Thank you for your review. I have been getting a lot of similar criticism which shoul lead to make some adjustments eventually. I’ve tried to justify difference of the two framing sonnets as signifying changes in the setting from external to internal. Even so it doesn’t seem to affect opinions. Have you specifics?
Poetry / The Church Hill Sonnets (Analysis)
I
The descent down Church Hill is lined with trees.
With their limbs stretched up to heaven in praise
They form a cathedral roof with a maze
Of boughs intertwined to catch the disease
That falls from the firmament to appease
The lusts of earthly thirsting hearts ablaze
As though the balm of rain would aptly raze
This passion that would incinerate seas.
Yet do I love without reason or rhyme!
In fact, all stands against this blaze to try
To extinguish it with tears and a sigh
Before all is engulfed by fueling time.
The road I tread is dark. Too dark to see.
Maybe I’m wrong and there’s no fire in me.
II
I walk through the heavy unlocked oak door.
I tap entering in case you are home.
I tiptoe past Woofy strewn on the floor,
Turn on the light and thereby cease to roam.
I breathe in the air thick with years gone by,
Taste lives past and smell who is yet to be.
I perch on a limb towering up high
Where generations have sat and dined free.
I remember faces of old and young
Embraced in communion; many made one.
With children instructed to hold their tongue
While Gramps told his stories of World War One.
All this remains a mystery to me,
The stranger who has climbed your family tree.
III
There’s something sacred about this table,
Oak like the door, rooted in love and time;
Like a lesson from some ancient fable;
The beauty of nature is made sublime.
It frightens me, this comfortable peace,
The fabric of tears, happiness and joy,
That wraps me up like a tangible fleece
And makes me feel like a lost little boy
Who is finally home… and yet not so,
For though I am welcomed with open arms,
As often as I arrive I must go,
Face this world alone, and endure its harms.
I don’t understand why your family bloomed
When mine died long ago; I still feel doomed.
IV
I walk through the kitchen on the wood planks,
Away from the entrance and my entrance
Induced by the shrine of so many thanks,
The creaks sounding out my every advance,
Past the old stove, the pilot light lit,
The eternal flame ever set to spark,
Just turn up the gas and stand back a bit,
The circle that burns bright blue in the dark,
To the upright piano, where I pause.
The yellowed ivory, faded ebony,
Disobedient to musical laws,
Without you here to bring your harmony,
Still rings with memories of string and song.
I continue hoping you won’t be long.
V
My journey ends in your room on your bed.
To no other end but rest from my mind.
I lie on the covers of all I’ve said
I sleep and toss as your flannel sheets bind.
From this cocoon I will stir and awake,
Slice a new current in the sea I swim,
I will carve from this deception so fake
A hollow to collect my running whim.
I hear the scratching now peeling away
Layers from Woofy pawing at your door.
He whines and cries until he gets his way.
He looks at me and falls onto the floor.
I don’t want to hold the axe in my hand
That will fell the tree of this precious land.
VI
I gather my dreams from where they are strewn.
I tidy the mess I made in my haste,
Take one last look in the light of the moon,
And turn to return to my life of waste.
The portal swings open of your accord.
You pass with a smile, your family behind.
You all are now home and I feel abhorred
Found in the branches where I have climbed
And snapped budding twigs to blossom no more;
There will be a poorer harvest this year
Unless someone tends to the limbs I tore.
I’m ashamed to have become what I fear.
Sap runs down the hilt of the axe I hold
And sticks to my hands out here in the cold.
VII
Walking back beneath the bowed boughs above,
Climbing the hill I descended amazed,
Trying to escape the beauty I razed,
Hands torn from wielding an axe with no glove,
Seeking no leaf in the beak of a dove,
And finding no sign of God to be praised,
My mechanized body has become crazed,
Tired and defeated with no faith in love.
I drop the instrument guilty of death,
That I swung to fell the tree of my life
That I climbed in search of my love, my wife,
For the axe is dull and I’m out of breath.
I can no longer tread this steep incline;
Whose are these steps that are making mine?
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EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Absolutely stunning work. Beautiful story, language, and form. I cannot praise this enough. Yet there is always room for improvement, and here are my suggestions:
SONNET 1: line 13: a dash instead of the first period.
SONNET 2: line 1: too many syllables (I know it’s the right number, but it really doesn’t flow right- rhythm is more important than you might think)
SONNET 2: line 3: Woofy? this comes back later (S5,L10) and seems almost as out-of-place there… any other ideas for this?
SONNET 4: line 2: your second “entrance” is confusing, are you mispronouncing this for the rhyme? visual rhyme is OK, but the rest of the poem is very well rhymed when spoken as well. Please respond regarding this line- I’m curious.
SONNET 6: line 4: nice turn of phrase. The ending couplet is weak though, let’s talk more about that as well…
SONNET 7: Line 5: why “leaf” and not “branch” or “twig”?
The final couplet is the perfect ending to this opus. I commend you!
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Hapless reviewed Version 1 -
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unfortunately i can offer no constructive criticism for i wouldn’t change anything. i am amazed at how you told that story with rhymes that work, and such cleanly crafted lines. it all plays out like some old romance movie in my head.
NormaLizeth reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it would be good if you placed it in a more direct form as a story. the short sentences make it a little hard to graps, at some moments I found myself lost and had to re-read for the rest I think it’s quite interesting.
theone reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was very interesting. You do a great job explaining things. You can invison what you saw in your mind. I also really like the way you have things split up into different sections. This is kind of sad, but it is very vivid and beautiful.
January 06, 2007
Deleted User
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The rhyming is so smooth and it wonderfully depicts the story. It is very literal and also symbolic, very interesting.
January 06, 2007
Deleted User
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I found this poetry an insparation, after reviewing just okay poetry to me.
This was a breath of fresh air!
The poem flows and seems to have a really good use of imagination, to describing details in your poem.
I really would like to read somemore of your poetry sometime soon!
Keep the good work up is all I can personally say!
R.
December 17, 2005
Deleted User
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This is a fine piece of poetic craftsmanship. This must have taken you a while to complete. It is also a very mature piece. What particularly strikes me is that fact this poem is very somber and pensive in its senitments, and yet it never descends into the maudlin.
It’s not the perfect poem. There are instances where it cliches and abstractions rear their head. But this is the challenge you face with dealing with a strict form like a sonnet. Not to mention the fact that you employ Shakespearian sonnet as a stanzaic form, where in most cases in literature, it stands alone (albeit within the frame of cycle). The fourth stanza is my personal favorite, particularly this quatrain:
“The yellowed ivory, faded ebony,
Disobedient to musical laws,
Without you here to bring your harmony,
Still rings with memories of string and song.
I continue hoping you won’t be long.”
I honestly can’t remember reading a finer poem on an internet forum. It is quite obvious to me that you really have some talent. I look forward to reading more of your work on this forum.
December 19, 2005
Deleted User
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These are pretty good. You’ve managed some interesting turns of phrase, and some compelling thoughts in these sonnets. I’d like to make a few general suggestions. First, go ahead and indent the last two lines of each sonnet. This is just traditional formatting for this type of poem, but it does make a sonnet immediately recognizable to the eye. Second, I’d suggest you seek more dynamic verbs and adjectives in many places, and that you find more stimulating ways to word any mundane phrases. Also, go back and revisit some of the rhymes. There are times (a good many times, unfortunately) when the rhymes distract from the content of the lines, or seem even to have dictated that content so much so that the lines lose some credibility. (Other times, the wording or phrasing necessary to incorporate the rhyme just seems nonsensical.) For example:
“My journey ends in your room on your bed.
To no other end but rest from my mind.
I lie on the covers of all I’ve said
I sleep and toss as your flannel sheets bind.”
Lastly, as you eschew the traditional iambic cadence, make certain that every line flows smoothly and cleanly according to its own internal rhythm. For the most part, you’ve done this. Have somebody else read each sonnet aloud, and note whichever phrases they stumble over.
Here are some specific notes, by sonnet:
I.
—Many of the rhymes in this sonnet seem strained.
—“Disease” is a very strong word, but I can’t find an explanation of what it represents, or any textual hints I can use to decipher its meaning.
--I like your repetition of the “--ease” rhyme. It makes the turn in line 9 more dramatic.
—The sentiment of the final couplet is strong. Consider, “Could I be wrong? Is there no fire in me?” for the last line.
II.
—Find some other way to say “thereby” in line 4. It just doesn’t fit at all with the rest of the language. (But the idea of that line is great!)
—Replace “One” with “I” in line 12. That’ll make the rhyme more visually interesting.
—Again, good final couplet.
III.
—Love that first quatrain (you can find a more thematic word than “love” though, I think).
—“Tangible fleece” is a stretch. It undermines the power of those lines. Find another way to say that, or even another word or another rhyme.
—The cadence of lines 11 is tough to catch, but the idea is fantastic!
—“I still feel doomed” rings false and reads very paltry. I think I understand what you’re getting at, but you can probably phrase it better. Even “I don’t understand why your family bloomed/When long ago mine withered. Am I doomed?” seems an improvement, but I bet you can find something better.
IV.
—The first three lines are confusing.
—I really like that second quatrain. Just tidy her up a bit, and she’ll seduce a reader or two.
—Line 10 has an extra beat.
V.
—You know, don’t quite know what to suggest. I have to say, this one is kind of generally unsatisfying, and I think it’s mostly due to some of the rhymes, and some of the phrasing. Wish I could be more specific.
VI.
—The rhymes “waste” and “abhorred” in the 1st and 2nd quatrain really, really don’t work. They just feel extremely forced.
—Consider, “And snapped budding twigs; they’ll blossom no more” for line 9. That sentiment, btw, is flat out great.
—This particular sonnet seems to have a very consistent rhythm. Don’t know the term though.
VII.
--Again, wonderful job with the sustained “--ove” rhyme. Really does the job.
—You can’t exactly be “guilty of death,” per se (murder yes, but not death, you know). How about, “I drop the grisly instrument of death,” etc.
—There’s something very confusing about the phrasing of that last line. I can’t quite pin down what you’re saying, which is really disappointing, because it feels like you’re saying something extraordinary. I’d say tweak that line a bit so that it comes across a little more clearly. It sounds like an utterly amazing ending in the works.
You really bring your themes full circle in this sonnet cycle. I’m impressed. Oh, one last technical comment though. You may not need to cap every line. I know it’s traditional in this form, but since you’re writing in a modern tone, you might want to consider just capitalizing proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. (They just used caps to help printers keep track of the lines or something back then anyhow, so it doesn’t really accomplish much nowadays.) Anyway, good work. Keep it up. I hope this has proved helpful. I’m pretty sure it’s the most extensive review I’ve given.
Feel free to check out my work—I also write extensively in rhymed pentameter.
Thumper reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhyme pattern is a little wierd in the first sonnet, it kinda threw me off. This is pretty good, with a little tweaking it could be great.
StutheRabbit reviewed Version 1 -
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this is very well done, and very impressive at 26. it is far beyond me to review at such a late hour, yet i am curious as to who has written such a masterpiece, so i’ll leave you this for now and come back and have another look, hopefully tomorrow. all i can say for right now is you need to keep your rhyme scheme consistent, and try not to use the same end sound twice right next to each other, as you do with some of the rhymes, most noticeably in sonnet #1. i’ll be back, and thanks for posting this here.
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