Poetry / Faithful Sirius

The lines that seem to me to be worth building on to are –
‘the celestial vacuum of your abode,
‘penetrate the annular stomas of my eyes,’
I’d just say.. the windows of my soul, [drop so called.]
‘scintillating shimmer’ rolls of the the tongue nicely.
I like your general intention & the sweep & grandeur that you are trying to express.
Maybe you can find some more ideas & vocabulary in articles on astronomy & the human eyes & brain

A beautiful poem. The rhyming couplet in the beginning had me scared the whole poem would be rhymed, but i was gladly mistaken. The last stanza was my favorite, I love how you kept the metaphor of windows going, using “shatter, as glass”. Also, i felt a sense of the speaker trying to understand, to know “Sirius” and the relationship between the speaker and “You” by the way you used “Your incandescent rays penetrate the annular stomas” and “nuclear fusion implodes Your core”. That was very well done if tha’s what you were going for.I found this poem to be more metaphorical than illustrative, yet your note to the reviewer would suggest the opposite.Just a thought.Overall, I was very impressed by the poem’s depth and strength.I was surprised to see that you are only 21. I’m only 24, and admire your skill. Well done!

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August 14, 2007

by trueImage

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
82	82.4% (34 votes)	21.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	South Africa	July 25

Thank you. I’m glad you understood the depth of the
poem, one can easily get lost in all the metaphores,
similes and so forth. Thanx again

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your fourth line: you should show me not tell me (as my old football coach would tell me.)

fifth stazna, last line: “that do my path obscure”  your word order sounds out of place here and a couple of other places.  I think it’s too much of an attempt to “sound” poetic.

sixth stanza, third line:  its (possessive, belonging to sirius) should be your like in the rest of the poem; that is, assuming the scintillating shimmer belongs to sirius.  come to think of it, i don’t think shimmer can be scintillating. a shimmer is a “subdued, flickering light” and scintillating means “to throw off sparks, flash”.  quite the opposite.

third stanza, third line: “as” should be “at”

something can’t be luminescent and incadescent.  incandescent is light given off by heat and luminescent is light given off by chemical reaction.

in general,

   i can see that this poem is some type of metaphor for maybe a person in your life or something that holds great importance. the pace of the poem is perhaps to slow. maybe you could use the energy of the explosions taking place in the star to mirror the intensity of your feelings.  i think that’s what you are going for. you should let that be your central metaphor. go back to that nuclear fusion and describe the explosions that are happening in the star.

you really need to proofread and especially make sure of your word definitions. you could really end up with something good here. channel the emotion into some form of poetry. often the restricition of a form can set you free. look into it anyway.

keep writin’

jeremy

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August 14, 2007

by trueImage

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
82	82.4% (34 votes)	21.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	South Africa	July 25

Thanx for the comment. I do know the difference
between the various words I use here. I also know
that if you dissect the poem it might be conflicting.
And I do appreciate the input, but this poem I put
up simply to be read, understood and perhaps to be  identified with by some, not for intense dissection
of the words I use.

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I really like it. The general flow is good. You may get a bit too wordy: example--->scintillating shimmer<-—other than that it was pretty nice. (Even thought I couldn’t help but think of Sirius Black, Harry Potters God-Father LOL)

A slow reflective read did help. I enjoyed the imagery and the corelation between starlight and inner light. It brought to mind that what is within may also be what is without. Along the same vein George Harrison wrote a song that comes to mind “Within You and Without You” off of Sgt. Pepper’s I believe.
Also, gives a freeing sense to open ourselves up to possibilities, to not fear the unknown because by opening our fragileness to the possibilites we may get shattered, but may also find ourselves awakening on streets of gold.