Poetry / Whispers

Very soothing and very sad at the same time. Seems as if this read took me back to a bygone era..of someone whose youth has passed them by. Very touching.

It works for me. The imagery works and creates a nice, perhaps somber cadence. It conjures memories, looking back. Something about it gives me a feeling of unfufillment, or irony in that while in our youth we ran chasing fireflies in rainbow colored clothiing, now there’s so much emptiness, empty lots with empty swings, resounding of fading colors, kinda’ somber, then a glimmer of hope, of a future in “the baby sighs”. I thought the last line a little awkward, not sure how I would change it, but if it is that glimmer you’re after here I’m not sure if “murmur” is alive enough to transition that.
I hope this helped.
Thanx for sharing.

The poem was cute and easily visualized.  However, I probably would have changed “Chasing fireflies, with jars for lanterns” to “Playing chase with jars of fireflies for lanterns”; it lends more to the novelty and also clarifies how they could possibly use “Jars for lanterns”.

I would also consider removing the ribbon pony tails, this would suggest they are all girls and my first image is of both boys and girls playing chase.  You might consider girls with pigtails and boys in their shorts, or something along those lines.

Otherwise, great piece, I loved it.

1st S--You say it so well, beautiful-
2nd line—I’ve lived around cotton woods most my life. Imagery, I experience.
(night’s)
2nd S--Mixing the unseen with the seen…spiritual with nature, wow-
3rd S lines 2 & 3—Brought a smile to my face; they took me back 40 plus years when I was a kid. Your words are like magic.
4th S--Sadness isn’t the right word, but I sure feel a loss…all those times growing up. You are so right, “in our memories”-
Last line is good, but it can be improved.

You have a wonderful way of using soft, but almost tangible words to create the most beautiful and serene images in my mind. Sorry for not commenting on the structure or grammar or some such faults, but I find none.

Thank you for sharing this with me

This is very good! Honestly, I don’t know what about it could be improved. Maybe the last line could be touched-up a little, but it’s still good as it is.

this peom remainds me of a time when family are about having fun and then the loudness of the silence that only memories can bring about ,love it

Tex