Young Adult / Stone's of Home Chapter 1.1 (Analysis)

CHAPTER 1
The Dream First Date

The sun rose over the tiny, cheerful town of Catchpole. The beams bounced off windows with cheerful curtains and lit up the roads. The little mail boxes lined the apparent gingerbread houses which made the town look like it was out of a fairy tale. A young boy wearing a bright, blue hat to identify him with the local paper rode down the road on a bike through the sleepy town. He carried papers in his bag that said proudly ‘Catchpole Times’ in neon orange and spun down the street past Glory Road and down Power Drive. He skidded around the corner of Third Street and stopped short. He was at
the edge of a dirt lane that ran half a mile down the road. The house was hidden behind a grove of trees. The house at the end of this lane had provided more gossip at the local bar, ‘The 18th Amendment’, than any other house in town. It was the reason why four other paper boys had quit the newspaper.

He threw the paper as hard as he could down the lane and yet it only made it about a third of the way. Without waiting to see how far it got, he kicked off and hurried off down Hickory Road without looking back. A small dog passed him and he waved at it, wondered briefly whose it was and why it was out, but shoved those thoughts back. He beamed with pride at being one of the first to deliver to the ‘Family’ as they were called.

The Family, or as they were actually named, the Blacks, had moved into Catchpole nearly fifteen years ago. Back then, they had been accepted in the community as a nice young couple with two young boys. After two years of living in the tightly knit community another son was born, then two years later a set of twin boys. At that point, they were the biggest family in town and were being slowly pushed out of the community. The town thought big families were an oddity and especially not a family of nothing but boys. They were asked to move out when, two years after the twins, they had yet another baby boy. The town had basically shunned them, but wanted to assume that the baby boy had been an accident.

They were overly horrified when not less than six months later Mrs. Black announced another pregnancy and finally had a long awaited baby girl. Soon after her birth, they stopped being invited to parties. Quickly they were turned on by their neighbors and so-called friends. They had refused to leave the town and their home completely, but agreed to move to an empty lot surrounded by dense woods a half a mile outside town. Their kids went to the local public high school, and the older boys stopped home on the weekends. No one in town talked to them or wanted to, but yet the Black family still sent mail and requested the local paper. The town regarded them as an unfortunate imperfection of their otherwise perfect town. The Blacks regarded the whole town as freaks, and only lived there to annoy them all.

The dog that the paper boy had seen trotted up the street to the little lane. It scooped up the paper clamping it firmly in its jaw and walked calmly down the drive. He walked into the shadow of his house. The house was five stories high, the top three floors obviously done by people who didn’t have a complete idea of how to do the job. There was a tower on the one side with wide windows. The house was a pale blue with a dark brown roof. On the third floor a balcony stood and a wrap around porch surrounded the bottom floor. A bike was parked outside the garage a couple feet away. One door was open to reveal a family van and a smaller car for when only a couple people traveled. There were a myriad of bicycles parked behind the garage along with a cement slab where a small fleet of four wheelers stood with three motorcycles.

The dog stumbled around a stump to the back door, past a pile of rain boots to the doggie door. He came in, the flap of the door making a loud smacking noise that barely made a dent in the amount of noise in the house. Mrs. Black stood with her back to door trying to mange a skillet of loudly popping bacon while she was flipping pancakes on the griddle beside her. She was a fit woman who was in her mid forties but looked like she was still in her late thirties. She had black hair that shined in the early morning light that was pulled back into a sloppy pony tail. Her tee shirt read ‘Yea I know I have enough kids to start a football team, that’s why I have them’. Her jeans bounced at her feet. She smiled warmly at the dog as he placed his front paws on the chair and placed the paper at the head of the table.

“Good job, Frog.” She said over one shoulder.

Frog had been in the family for nearly six years and was well trained. He walked over to his bed in the corner of the kitchen and laid down, perfectly content to avoid the morning mayhem. Somewhere a clock struck seven. The thumping upstairs drastically increased.

Mia arrived in the kitchen first and dumped her backpack in the corner by hallway to the front door. She marched to the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a pile of plates and strode to the drawer and pulled out silverware. She started walking around the table placing them in their places. Mia was fourteen and the baby of the family, along with being the only girl. She was tough with a dark tan that accented muscular legs and strong arms. Her hair was as jet black as her mothers and pulled back into a pony tail. She was thin wearing a pair of light blue jeans faded in the butt. Her tee shirt accented her chest with the saying ‘good girls are just bad girls that haven’t gotten caught’. Her mother yelled at her for the tee shirt, but didn’t’ make her change. A silver anklet shined over her worn out sandals.

She had barely finished when Andy walked in. He was over six feet tall and only a junior. His twin, Adam, walked in behind him. Andy started to help his mother while Adam started pouring orange juice into glasses. Andy had light brown hair that hung around his face touching his eyebrows. He was muscular playing both football and basket ball. His main goals were messing with his teachers and making sure anyone who wanted to, couldn’t date his little sister. He started flipping pancakes and talking with his mom, who had asked him what he had to do today.

Adam started passing juices to Mia while poking at the coffee maker wishing it would make coffee faster. Adam’s brown hair was cut shorter then Andy’s and spiked up in the front. He had on a black band shirt with an electric guitar that pretty much summed him up. He was a band star and because he played basket ball and worked out more then most he remained one of the perfect people at school. There was rarely a time when he wasn’t playing guitar or shooting a basket balls.

The steps shook again and Mr. Black hammered into the kitchen. He was six foot two and barley taller then the twins. He showed his age more then his wife, looking like the forty-six year old he was. His brown hair was receding slightly and no longer looked like the star he had been in high school. He wore a dress shirt with a tie loose around his neck and his shoes in one hand. He stopped in front of Mrs. Black.

“The damn thing won’t tie!” He said angrily. Adam walked over to take the bacon while his mom stepped away to get her husband together.

While tying the tie she directed her troops around the kitchen. It was only at seven fifteen when the food was on the table and Mia was about to sit when Mrs. Black realized that Tom was missing. She pushed some coffee into Mr. Black’s hand.

“Mia,” Mia stopped and grimaced at Andy and Adam. “Would you go get your brother and if he still in bed beat him for me.”

Mia groaned but trooped up the back stairs past the bathroom to the steps that were still pulled down in the hallway. What had been the attic at some point had now become the stairs to the upper three floors. On the second floor was her parent’s room and two guest bed rooms for when people, or more commonly her older brothers, stayed over. She continued up past the two bed rooms that belonged to the twins and up a ladder on the side of the wall to the fourth floor. She rammed the door at the end of the hall that Tom was.
Another door led to the bathroom and a spiral set of stairs at the other end of the wall lead to her bed room and the office above. There were no sounds from Tom’s room and Mia strongly suspected that he was still asleep.

“Tom!!!!” She yelled at the door, hammering the door even harder.

“What!?” An angry voice snapped to her right. Tom had been in the bathroom to her right.

“Have you looked at the time?”

“No, I was looking to see if I need to shave.”

Mia groaned. “It’s seven fifteen and there’s nothing there! Let’s go.”

She dropped down the hole to the third floor without bothering with the stairs. Tom was always late. He was a basket ball and base ball player and a school genius. But with his dark black hair curling on the top of his head adorably he was equally popular. He was the baby boy of the family, and everything was hammy downs. His sneakers were at the top of the hole in half a second and soon he was down in a pair of worn jeans and a graying tee that accented his muscles and just had a star on it. She rolled her eyes and stormed down the stairs and then another set so she could get to breakfast.

She and Tom sat on their side of the table opposite the twins. Her dad cracked opens the paper and started to distractedly read while trying to get pancakes in his mouth. Mrs. Black made conversation, commenting on their apparel and asking who had practice after school. The twins each piled five pancakes onto there plates and hunkered in without stopping to breathe. Andy thickly said that they had basket ball practice at five, and Adam mentioned that he had band after school till then. Tom said something about honor society and he had that till four thirty. Mia shook her head at her mother making it clear that she didn’t have anything.

“Well, Mia,” her mom said sympathetically. “I can’t come pick you up till
six and your dad not till even later. Can you get a ride or do you just want to hang out there.”

“No worries I’ll hang out at the school. Andy and I can get into some trouble.”

Andy winked at her with a smile.

“I swear, I have to get one more phone call or one more paper to sign for
detention’s I’m going to have your heads! Do you agree Andrew?” Mr. Black looked up distractedly.

“Yes, sure, whatever you say sweetheart.” He turned back to his paper.

Mrs. Black threw up her hands started upstairs telling Tom to hurry up with the clean up cause it was already seven forty, and she went upstairs to get ready for work. She was a journalist at the city paper an hour away.

“Bye gang.” Mr. Black stood up and grabbed his coat in one swift motion. “And try to stay out of trouble the lot of you, your giving your mother gray hairs.” He winked, confirming in their minds that he really knew everything.

“Hurry up spaz.” Adam spat at a hassled Tom.

Tom frowned at him and started stacking dishes as fast as he could. Mia hurried after him, poking a fork at Andy fiercely so he would move, and waving it at Adam. Both the twins moved with speed as they cleaned up even though it technically wasn’t there turn.

“Guys it’s seven fifty.” Their mother’s voice echoed from the top of the stairs. “See you guys at seven tonight.”

Mia scooped up her backpack and headed for the back door giving a nod to
Frog, followed by Tom who was trying to get his hair into shape. Behind him Adam grabbed his guitar, strapping it around his back, and snatched a bunch of keys from the counter. Andy followed behind him, slamming the door shut and pulling his jacket tighter around him.

Adam grabbed his helmet and saddled his bike, a Kawasaki in bright green, without hesitating. Some kind of rock music jumped from the speakers. Tom jumped for his little bike, barely bigger then a moped, and sat proudly on it. His license was sitting in his pocket, having just gotten it two weeks ago. No more back seats for him, and the teasing at school would cease quickly. Andy straddled his bike, a little bit bigger then the others comfortably seating two with a back rest. Mia slung her back pack into the container on the side and hoped over the side without stopping for a second. Andy balanced the bike; he was easily the best driver and was the only one who regularly put up with Mia on back.

The roar of engines and a mix of music filled the air causing their mother to look out the window making a tone it down motion fruitlessly. They all knew that they wouldn’t quiet down till they shut the bikes off at school. Andy and Mia leading the way the group tore out of the slab and down the bumpy dirt road. The air whipped past Mia’s face and sent her hair spinning back. She looked over shoulder to watch Adam and Tom race out of the drive, each trying to beat the other out the road. Tom skidded slightly, Adam quickly easing off the gas so Tom wouldn’t feel the pressure and spin out. That’s what they did, when one was in trouble racing ceased.

Several people looked up distractedly as the gang kept roaring out of the road and around the corner each laying the bike as low as they could. Andy winked and waved at a blond girl in a short skirt and a brunet in a pair of very tight fitting jeans. Mia hit him upside the head, causing the bike to swerve but Andy just let his head back and laughed loud not realizing that Mia was trying to tell him to lay off. She felt a stab of pain back in her gut, hating Andy briefly for flirting with a bunch of girls who were bound to hurt him in the long run.

They pulled around the school. Catchpole High was connected to the middle school by a small brick passage way. The high school wasn’t big but was two stories high and was four classrooms wide. The middle school was one story high and two classrooms wide and the students repeatedly had to go to the high school for classes and for there lockers. The school was so small that they had to have their eight graders play on the varsity teams. More fondly known as CHS where the champions of the school were the Black boys Adam, Andy, and Tom holding up there older brothers legacies, each excelling in their own field, all sharing glory in basket ball.

Andy got off the bike, greeted by a couple of football players with a group of high fives. Mia got off behind him, and pushed past the players to get to her backpack. They didn’t pay any attention to her and started talking about some party they had been at last Saturday. Andy hadn’t gone because of a football game he has volunteered to announce.

Adam parked next and had barely made it to the back door of the school when he was greeted by a thin black haired girl. He gave her a huge hug and led her in to the school talking animatedly to her. She was his girl friend, named Star. Her parents had been ex-rock stars looking for a quiet life. They were this small town’s claim to an even smaller fame. She was a drummer in the school band and an actress. They had met two years ago and had been dating for almost as long. Mia still regarded her warily not trusting her to have this strong of a hold on Adam’s heart.

Tom gave Mia a small wave before running off toward a bunch of his friends that were sitting on the back steps. He slammed down his back pack, pulling out his science homework and starting to copy from the girl next to him. Another friend slapped him on the back. Mia walked past; catching a couple eyes but most skidded over her. A familiar feeling of failure falling over her, and it was only eight in the morning.

She had been quite the failure of the family. She was a girl to start, and she hadn’t played basket ball as every one else in the family had played splendidly. She had instead played volleyball and kept stats for the basket ball teams. She hadn’t shone any remarkable talent in music or sports either. There was no field she could excel in that someone in her family hadn’t done already. She walked to her locker, most people jostling her in a way they wouldn’t if they knew she was related to Andy, Adam, or Tom Black.

She threw her backpack into her locker and grabbed her note book and her science book. She was taking advanced classes except for in History, and her electives. She spent most of her time with the ninth graders and was friends with all of them. Her actual class regarded her as a freak, most barely believing she was a Black.

“Hey.”

A voice called out from a large window sill that sat ten feet above the landing between the stairs. Mia looked up at the boy in the sill who quickly grabbed his book and dropped at her feet. Straightening up was Mia’s best friend, Tyler. They had met long before they had classes. Tyler had been assigned for a project with Tom about two years ago. He and Mia had immediately become friends, his friendship with Tom fading quickly. He played soccer, a sport that only her oldest brother had ventured in, and was as smart as her, and the two of them spent most of the time in class fooling around and doing their work to assure they stayed out of a major detention.

Girls’ eyes often flicked over Mia and stared quizzically at Tyler. He did look like someone who shouldn’t hang out with a girl like her. He was six foot tall, and could bench press 180 pounds on a good day. He should play football, but had no desire. He wanted to be a fighter pilot when he got older, and focused solely on his school work so he could achieve his goal. His hair was jet black, contrasting with his pale skin and green eyes that were the color of glowing leaves.

“Hey,” Mia responded. “How was your weekend?”

“Not bad, just the usual drama at my house, if only Cam could keep her mouth shut.”

“What now?”

“The usual argument they’ve been having. She doesn’t have great SAT scores but she doesn’t want to take it again. She’s sure that schools will take her. Mom and Dad are mad as hell and they just keep saying she won’t make anything of herself if she doesn’t apply herself. I just go in my room and shut the door normally.”

“Wow, my mom and dad never argue with Adam and Andy about stuff like that. But then again they won’t take there SAT’s till March. Then I’m sure there will be sparks. Adam’s at least been studying, but I haven’t seen Andy open a book ever.”

Tyler smiled at her joke and eased open the science room door as the bell rang. Mia rushed to put her books on the back table, Tyler scrambling behind her. She nearly had them down when a pile of them slid under her and she was pushed back by a guy who was huge. A petite blond cheerleader followed him, giving her a cold smile and then warming when she saw Tyler.

“Hey…Tyler right?”

Tyler stared at her utterly bewildered. Mia smiled grimly and moved to the right so they could have the other back table. Tom gave her a small grin from his seat four tables up.

Tyler sat at the stool next to her, his fingers banging on his binder. His eyebrows raised at her.

“What’s going on?” He asked curiously.

Mia shrugged. “Maybe she’s being feisty today?”

Tyler laughed, a smile slipping on to his face. Over his shoulder Mia saw a
look from the cheerleader that made her look away quickly.

The class passed with Mia in a small stupor and playing Hang man on some note book paper with Tyler. Ahead of her she saw Tom look back during his furious note taking. Mia scooped up her books with out a moment hesitation well the bell rang, took into account a paper that they were supposed to write on whatever their teacher had been talking about, and then was out the door faster then you could think. Tyler wasn’t far behind her and a moment later Tom was on her left side.

“You could at least try to pay attention.” Tom said scathingly, waving distractedly to his friends.

“Why when I have you to help me.”

Tom scowled. “What if I didn’t help you this semester?”

Mia gave a side grin to Tyler as he turned toward his Medieval Studies class, and turned to Tom again. “Then I would undoubtedly fail. Do you want that on your conscious?”

Tom grinned a little, obviously annoyed that she was side stepping the actual problem.

“Well see ya.” Tom veered off to the side to a group of basket ball players.

Mia walked down to her locker, smiling at random people while trying to remember why she put up with these people in the first place. As she closed the door on her locker she turned side ways into a large and very muscular chest, faltering slightly at such a large incredibly hot person in front of her.

“Hey,” the Greek god like person smiles at her.

“Umm…hi,” Mia‘s voice suddenly was about ten octaves higher then normal.

“What are you doing this weekend?”

“Nothing,” This time her voice was only five octaves higher then normal.

“Well, do you want to go to the foot ball game this weekend, with me?”

Mia felt her heart drop quickly into her stomach and then rise quickly into her throat. She had an actual date, for the first time in her life. It didn’t matter she didn’t know who this guy was, and that he was obviously a lot older then her. All that matters was that someone didn’t think she was a total loser.

“Yea sure,” She was relieved to here her voice was normal and sounded nonchalant.

He smiled his mouth full of shining straight teeth. “Meet me by the opposing team’s goal at seven.”

Mia nodded not quite capable of speech.

“See ya then.” He nodded and walked away, parting the crowds of confused eight graders.

Mia hurried toward her math class and sat down toward the back of the class.

It was only five minutes before a tiny body came crashing into her desk with the force of a small train. Mia looked up distractedly.

In front of her was a girl a bit older then her with bright blond hair and
a body that screamed cheerleader. She was bouncing in front of the desk, making it squeak slightly.

“Is it true?” Her voice was like a screaming tea pot when the water boils and Mia almost instantly had a headache from it.

“Who are you?” Not caring if her voice sounded totally rude or if the girl was offended.

“Is it true?” the girl asked again obviously not easily distracted.

“Is what true?”

“That you have a date with the hottest guy in the whole junior year!”

Mia was mildly impressed with how fast this girl had gotten a hold of this knowledge, and only partially annoyed she was barging into her business. But for god’s sakes this was more then one person could take at nine in the morning.

“Yea, I guess.” There was no use for anymore words because they were drowned out by the squeals issuing from the cheerleaders mouth.

“Are you kidding me? Half the girls in my grade have been begging to go out with him for a month. What’s so special about you?”

Mia was suddenly feeling no joy toward this girl but a pure annoyance at her presence.

“How should I know?” She said irritably. “I don’t know why he likes me but I’m sure as heck not saying no.”

The girl shook her head. “No, if you had said no you’d be the stupidest girl in school.”

Mia smiled at the fact that saying no to the date would make her the stupid one and felt a huge surge of joy when her math teacher called the class to order. The small hyper girl gave her a gallant smile and quickly took out a small notebook and wrote something down in perfect swirling hand writing.

“Make sure you give me a call sometime.” She called back as she swept out of the room.

Mia quickly snatched up the paper and read a small number coupled with the name Samantha Jones. Knowing all eyes were on her she turned an embarrassing shade of red, stuffed the paper in to her pocket and turned to her math book.

This was not her only experience with this. By lunch time she had fourteen similar experiences, varying in embarrassment, and had become so used to them that they didn’t faze her. She also had no desire to have this happen all during lunch. She walked out of her US History class and quickly cut to the ninth grade lockers, slamming a sticky note on to Tyler’s locker with the words, ‘I’m in the library, you probably know why’. With that she sped through the lunch line and took up residence in the back corner of the library, which she figured was the farthest from any crazy cheerleaders that wanted to scrutinize her.

Not five minutes later a voice called her name and Tyler appeared around a
bookshelf with a sub in his hand. A small smile played on his face when he saw her and his eyes were laughing with amusement. He readily plopped onto the floor and vigorously started unwrapping the mile of cellophane that covered his sandwich. Mia watched for a minute, becoming increasingly frustrated with his lack of questions. She started tapping her foot against his foot until he looked up with his mouth in a wide smile.

“Yes?”

“Are you not even gonna ask!” Mia exploded. Tyler promptly let out a burst of laughter then rearranged his face.

“Is it true that small annoying cheerleaders have been bombarding you in the hallways and in class?”

Mia finally let all her frustration out on Tyler. “Yes! It is truly the most annoying thing that has ever happened to me, and I live with Andy and Adam. I’ve only had three classes and yet in those I got nine different cheerleaders of various ages appearing to ask me if it’s true. And don’t get me started about the five times in the hallway by not only cheerleader, but a large group of seniors who looked like they kind of wanted to kill me.”

Tyler face hadn’t changed through the whole thing but he had finally started eating his sandwich and didn’t quite pay attention to her speech. He looked up at her when he finished, obviously fighting off all signs of laughing.

“Well why would you say yes?”

“He appeared at my locker looking incredible and no ones ever asked me out ever. It’s not exactly easy when you have six older brothers to scare people away.” Tyler face finally broke and he practically spit out his sandwich laughing.

“Oh shut up.” Mia flopped down dejectedly on the floor. “These annoying small people are turning my first date into a nightmare.”

Tyler fixed her with a serious look while puling a piece of roast beef of his shoe from where he’d spit it out. “Why are you letting them?” He asked.

“Huh?” Mia felt confused. Had he been listening at all?

“Why are you letting them destroy this for you? This is your date, do what you want.”

“I want these people to leave me alone.” Mia let her eyes wander over the dregs of sandwich that was left in Tyler’s hand.

“Then make it happen. If you have to beat up the cheerleaders I will be overjoyed to help. Are you gonna eat that?” Tyler made a gesture to her
sandwich.

“I’ll give it to me if you can tell me something.”

“What?” His eyebrows rose quizzically at her.

“The guy who asked me out, what’s his name?”

Tyler doubled up with laughter for a minute to busy to talk. Finally he turned to her his whole body shaking in an effort to hide the laughing.

“Are you serious?”

“Yea, he never told me and the cheerleaders never mentioned it.”

Tyler raised an eyebrow and held out a hand. “So now you date guys without asking their names. His name’s Caleb, Caleb Addington.”

“Oh,” Mia remembered his name coming up in a couple of her brother’s conversations.

He had moved into the school when it had started a month ago and had been instantly popular, a drummer she recalled. For a moment she was lost in her memory, trying to remember more, when there was a serious poke in her arm.
“What?” She asked Tyler, an irritable note coming through her voice. He still had his hand held out.

“My sandwich?” He grinned. She slammed it forcefully into his hand and spent the rest of lunch asking him about his day and keeping the conversation forcibly off Caleb and her upcoming date on Friday.

The final bell came quicker then Mia could have hoped for and soon the school was empty and she was on her own till they had to leave at six thirty when practice ended, and that wasn’t adding on the time it would take everyone to get on the bikes and away from the hoards of fans that seemed to follow her brothers around the school like some small club. She threw some books into her back pack and tried to decide where to go.

The library would be full of people, and she didn’t want to endure questions about her date. Most of the teachers would still be in her class room and if she heard one more story about her older brothers she was going to lose her mind. The band room was out of the question, as was the study room where honor society was held. The top tower would most likely be taken, but she could try, and the gym would be full of people already for the girl’s basket ball practice.

A quick breeze by the top tower told her she was out of luck there and she had no where else to go so she clattered down the stairs and quickly squished into the space under the stairs on the ground floor. Not exactly glamorous but it was what she needed to do. She spread out her science stuff and began the paper she had to do. Nearly an hour had past when she heard the soft clatter of foot steps on the stairs.

Mia focused on the voices and quickly identified the one as Andy. The other was distinctly female and obviously wanted to have a little fun before he had to go.

“Come one Andy right here no one will see.”

“Samantha,” Mia brain spun quickly connecting her to the first cheerleader who had approached her today. “What if a teacher caught us?”

“Since when do you care if teachers see you? Your supposed to be a dare
devil.”

“I am!” Andy’s voice was suddenly defensive and deeper then usual. “If you must know I’m more worried about my little sister finding us.” Mia issued a small giggle that she stifled quickly.

“That’s so sweet,” Mia scoffed silently knowing that Samantha was only saying that because she wanted her brother. “Don’t worry about it. I saw her in the library, she won’t be seeing us.”

Mia jumped at the obvious lie. If she heard her brother doing it she may possibly lose her mind.

“Well that’s different.” Andy’s voice was deep.

A small spatter of squeals issued from above her. There was the thud of some bodies hitting the stairs and then the obvious noise of her brother making out with the crazy cheerleader. Mia tried fiercely to focus on her science, but the occasional thud of her brother and his slut above her was distracting. Before long a small pink sweater flew over the staircase and landed in front of Mia and she knew it was time to go. She scooped up her stuff knowing her only hope was to get out the door without them noticing.
Picking a moment that sounded particularly busy Mia sprinted for the door. She felt herself falling before she knew what was happening and then, with a resounding thud, her body hit the floor.

“Mia!” Her brother gave a strangled cry.

Turning around slightly Mia saw her brother, his face in a blind panic, wearing nothing but his jeans, his hands in a very inappropriate place on Samantha, who was clad in only a bra and a pair of very lacy underwear. Mia loved the irony of her brother pretending he cared if she saw and then her seeing it, but it was overplayed by the hideousness of what she was seeing.

Mind running now in fast forward Mia turned and hurried out the door with the cries of her brother ringing behind her. The time it would take him to find his shirt and shoes assured her a clean get away.

Mia ran full tilt around the corner and straight into Tom who was coming out of the study room. His hands stopped her from falling but also tightened around her upper arms.

“Mia what’s wrong!?” Alarm grabbed Tom’s voice making it unrecognizable.

“Nothing,” Mia panted. “I was just trying to get some exercise. Mom’s always making snide remarks.”

Tom didn’t believe this lie but his hands loosed on her arms and slid down to her wrist. His face was now mixed with concern and pity.

“You’re not hurt right?”

Mia nodded furiously, hearing the sound of feet down a hall way.

“You sure?” Tom asked his hands now fully off her.

“Got to run!” Mia squeaked and she ran down the hallway. Behind her she heard the footsteps come around the corner and Tom greeting Andy. Lucky for her, Andy foot steps faltered and Mia hurled herself into a set of double doors.

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There are many contradictions in your descriptions, i.e. no one likes or talks to the them (or even wants to) but “Tom [...] was equally popular.” So, the town’s people are rejecting Mr. and Mrs.? Or the whole town was against them. If the latter is true, the friendships need to be reassessed. Further, the adjectives tend to become repetitive. Also, I am assuming that the Blacks are an ethnic family? Dark skin, dark hair, and  they are shunned from the community because of their myriads of male pregnancies? Is there otherwise something special about the Girls in the town? I understand this may be for a young audience, as you mentioned YA but are you sure you’re wanting to discuss racial issues and stereotypes?

In general, even in YA work, it is best not to put in descriptives just for the sake of having them, i.e. does it matter that the paper has an orange coloring to it?

The best writing is absent of as many adverbs as possible. On pg. 11, you write:
“Girls’ eyes often flicked over Mia and stared quizzically at Tyler” -- quizzically seems overt: stared at Tyler with curiosity, for instance seems more active. And flicked and stared sound hard -- do they stare at him, or gaze in his direction, so long as he is not aware? These little things help with clarity.

But 13 pages in, there seems to be no direction. Just usual school banter—
I guess my question for you would be: what is the story really about; you should be able to answer this in one sentence. Thematics, etc.

You seem to have a story to tell, I’m just not sure what it is besides HS romance and if that is where you are heading, make it unique. Good Luck!

emma avatar General Stranger

August 31, 2007

emma

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emma reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Wow, I legitimately enjoyed reading this. I would want to read more, and this is something I hardly ever say on Urbis (and even more rarely actually mean). There were no grammar slip ups, it flowed nicely, and Winston was beyond amazing. I found myself doubting that this was fiction. (it is right, because I continue to doubt this.) This is meant to be a compliment. Also, “Influence is the critic’s art-form.” Fantastic. His opinions on free verse were also just so nice. Everything was. Great job :D

alexianx avatar General Stranger

August 26, 2007

alexianx

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alexianx reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

With a few stories worth of practice and polish, you will be ready for publication. You need to work on condensing your writing, though, especially if you are going to continue to write in young adult. I’m not much older than you and as we both know, our generation isn’t too heavy on literature. People reading for enjoyment in our age group is almost non-existent. When they do read, they’re either forced to or read something simple.

This genre will never be popular with an academic course, so you can go ahead and rule out it being forced reading. That only leaves short, simple and interesting. Your vocabulary and sentence structure are simple, but you have a problem of going into far too much detail. You spend several hundred words just describing how shunned the Black family is from the rest of the town. State it, give a few examples, move on. Tall tales and the trappings of tall tales have no place in the young adult genre.

I will admit, however, that, even with the amount of attention you pay, there are still quite a few areas you missed. You state that all the children attend the public high school, for example. How do they all attend it when most of them aren’t even old enough to do so? Even if the youngest, the girl, were old enough to attend, most of her siblings would already have graduated several years before she even started. When you have this many characters, you can’t just take the easy way out and not give them all something to distinguish themselves from one another. You’re going to have one mind-numbing task of giving all of these children interesting names, personalities and backgrounds, as well as covering their interaction with one another.

You have talent. It’s obvious you have talent, but you need a lot of work to polish it. While you have a head start for the sheer level of skill you show and how early you’ve become serious about writing, some of your sentences are still worded very awkwardly.

“There was the thud of some bodies hitting the stairs and then the obvious noise of her brother making out with the crazy cheerleader.”

“There was the thud of some bodies,” is one of the most-awkward things I’ve ever read, mate. This is just one example of many where you may want to reconsider rewording the sentences. I notice it occurs most often when you try to use complex sentence structure, as you seem to do fine with simpler sentences. Still, it shows you’re willing to experiment; continue to do so. Too many people, several years older than you and I, have a habit of sticking to the safe zone and spamming off checklists of simple sentences. “He did this. He did that. They responded like this. He responded back like that.” It gets boring.

Your dialogue is solid. You don’t need any changes there. You’ve balanced perfectly between sections of action text and sections of near-pure speech.

PeterPrince avatar General Stranger

August 21, 2007

PeterPrince

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PeterPrince reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

You are quite right about your skills and your narration and your vocabulary. However, there is a silver lining. You “have” good ideas, not great, but with a little polishing could become so. Put hese aside, let’s see practical errors, I will only refer to one and think it out well, from even your first line you used cheerful twice. Thast fact says a lot about your skills, but ther way you hone them is calculated by the time you deicate to writing, I am also at a mediocre level, but write constantly, I have to in order to better myself, I advise you to do the same.

libberloo avatar General Friend

August 11, 2007

libberloo

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libberloo reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I am so glad I finally read this. :P
It kind of cracked me up how you had to use Adam’s name again. But, all your character names seemed to fit in this story, unlike in Dream, where the names were kinda iffy. But anyway..
I love how Mia and Tyler are friends. Oh, I just realized..Tyler. Ha! But anyway I like their relationship. It’s very realistic, and is probably something you’ve gone through before, or are going through.
Do you have the second chapter on here? I can’t wait to read it!! :D

Tearsdry avatar General Stranger

August 10, 2007

Tearsdry

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Tearsdry reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Awesome job, I really like it and i cant wait to read more. You have a good way of making a visual picture in your reader’s minds and i like that, so awesome job with that. Um.. i didnt really see any gramical errors or anything that really needed to be changed. You kept me entrigued. ^^ So once again, good job. keep it up.

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SnwAng avatar

SnwAng

Age: 23
Loc: Bristol, TN
Gen: F
Last Login: November 15
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