Andy is young, and would use words such as Mommy and fishy. The yellow flowers line is bumpy, I admit, and I am still considering a revision there. ”Ran to her knees”...I haven’t decided to cut or change this yet. The story, in all of its revisions, has had approximately 80 reviews. Since you are the first to dislike these lines, I think they would only be an issue for a minority of people. Thanks for your review.
Children's / Andy and the Magic Wand
One sunny day near a deep, blue pond,
Little Andy Daniels found a magic wand.
He tried to cast spells for minutes and for hours,
All to prove the wand had true magic powers.
He tried to turn a duck into a very large goat,
He tried to make a submarine from a little wooden boat.
He tried to turn daisies into tiny red roses.
He tried to give a rabbit three extra noses!
Little Andy Daniels sat beneath an old oak tree.
“Why won’t this wand perform magic for me?”
Little Andy Daniels stood up to walk away,
To find something new to occupy his day.
Just then a voice spoke very low to hear,
A voice very wise, very old, very near.
“I will tell you a secret before you turn to leave,
Magic will only happen when you truly believe.”
Little Andy Daniels turned back toward the tree,
He asked quietly, “Did you just speak to me?”
“If you believe in magic, it will come to light,
You just have to concentrate and wish with all your might.”
So Andy closed his eyes and made a silent wish,
“All I really want is my very own pet goldfish.”
Then he opened his eyes and looked around the park,
He heard a cat’s meow and he heard a puppy’s bark.
He saw a small squirrel with fur fluffy and gray
Collect a few nuts before scurrying away.
He saw a line of ducks waddling in a row,
And a few baby chicks following in tow.
He saw a tiny bird soar high above his head,
And heard a bee buzzing near a flower bed.
He looked to and fro for his tiny golden fish,
Believing with all his heart that he would finally get his wish.
He waved his wand, just in case, to help his dream come true,
And waited by the tree and the fluffy squirrel too.
But though he believed, his fish was nowhere near.
So Andy dropped his wand and shed his first tear.
He turned from the pond and the old oak tree,
He turned from the flower bed and the tiny buzzing bee.
He no longer heard that little pup’s bark.
He just wanted to leave the bright, sunny park.
Just then he saw his parents not too far away.
Andy stopped walking, not quite sure what to say.
His mother was holding Andy’s only wish.
A small glass bowl with a tiny golden fish!
He cried out in delight and ran to her knees.
“Oh, Mommy, can I see him, can I see my fishy, please?”
She smiled at her son and gave him his gift.
Andy felt his heart swell and felt his spirits lift.
Andy’s mother placed her hand atop her son’s head,
She gave a small laugh, and then to Andy said,
“For so long you have asked Daddy and I for a fish,
Now we think you’re old enough to grant you your wish.”
Andy cried, “Thank you!” and laughed out loud.
“I’ll take great care of him,” Little Andy vowed.
He ran to the tree before getting ready to leave,
“Magic really does happen, if you truly do believe!”
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sjvance reviewed Version 10 -
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Sharon reviewed Version 10 -
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“Magic isn’t created from a wand for a start.” I had to scratch my head trying to figure this one out. I don’t think it would make sense to most young people reading it. It rhymes, but there are better things to write I think…
“There’s something you should know that’s the most important part,
Magic only happens when it’s wished on by your heart”
I don’t know… They both have 13 syllables. I just didn’t like, ”...for a start.”
“He whispered softly, “Did you just speak to me?”” Again, I didn’t like the ‘tree’ ‘softly’ and ‘me’ all back to back. Try,
“Under his breath he said, “Did you just speak to me?”
The rest of it I love. I do wonder though what his mother would be doing in a field carrying a fishbowl… Other than that I think it’s great and most kids would probably adore it. Good luck!
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JganJay reviewed Version 10 -
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Wow that was great! I really enjoyed it. It had a great rhythm and soon found myself with a little beat going in my head as I read.
I found one typo in S6 L4 the last word should be “bark” not “park”.
Overall I really enjoyed it. I found it to be one of the best children’s stories I have read on Urbis. Keep up the the good work and thanks for sharing!
Blackleatherspider reviewed Version 10 -
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Story is better. “Oh, Mommy can I see him, can I see my fishy please?” He cried out in delight and ran to her knees. Those two lines I really dislike. Maybe it’s just me but the mental age of the child seems older, than to use words like fishy and mommy…how about fish and leave out mommy? Can the child run to mom maybe bending down to him, rather than her knees, that sounds weird to me? One more thing, the word “by” the yellow flowers, makes it sounds like the child used the flowers,,maybe use the word near.
Betty13 reviewed Version 10 -
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This is a very polished piece and I enjoyed it very much. Below is one note about a single line that I didn’t feel was working. I always rate “attract and agent” with a one, because I can’t rate that…it doesn’t apply to me but I have to put something in there.
I wish you good luck. Do you have an illustrator or are you doing the imagery yourself?
Good work.
“He tried to cast spells by the bright, yellow flowers, ” – understandably it is a children’s book but this line is a bit awkward for me.
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