Young Adult / Indistinct Ch.1 (V.3)
Did you know that the sound of crickets chirping is actually the vibration produced by the nasty little things rubbing their legs together? Or whatever the legs are called on crickets. I read it in a book when I was little, and occasionally the fact pops up in my head. I think that’s why I’ve always hated the sound of them.
Not to mention I’ve always had this bug paranoia. So when I’m lying on a blanket in a big, empty field full of yellowing wild grass with my eyes closed, the thought that a cricket could be crawling towards me, eagerly rubbing its hairy legs, I’m not thinking of peace and quiet. Sure, Iowa embodies peace and quiet – the place is like a stagnant pond. Occasional ripples, but never any actual action. I guess I could be some action, being the “Summer girl” come all the way from glamorous southern California, but I’ve been avoiding Main Street (the small-town Iowa version of a mall). And crickets, up until now.
But I’m trying to sleep. Like, really trying, because lately my dreams had been really intense. Not nightmare intense. I mean, it’s like watching a movie. I see things I think I’ve seen, but it’s like having someone else monologue the memory. I wouldn’t really think anything of these dreams, except every once in a while, I get this really heavy, odd feeling, like some unknown force is drawing my mind somewhere. Like…say, magnetism.
It’s not scary, though, believe it or not. It feels inevitable – like the feeling you get when you’re strapped into a roller coaster at the top of that first huge drop, and you can’t avoid it, so you just face it head-on and watch the ground come at you.
Anyway, I was trying to sleep, and I’d finally forgotten about the crickets. I was focusing on the warmth of the afternoon sun, and the way the golden light seemed to seep deep into your bones, to somewhere where it enveloped your heart and made everything still. The crickets were finally quiet, and then I was dreaming.
This time the memory was of a random drive-thru burger place. I could see a brown-haired woman in the front seat, preoccupied with a tinny voice I could overhear from my sprawled position in the back seat, presumably our server for the next three minutes. The lady in the driver’s seat seemed important, but she definitely wasn’t my mom. I didn’t know her, and I had never experienced this – or at least not consciously.
The indistinct monologue voice spoke up when the brown-haired lady’s young, concerned face turned in my direction and she asked softly, “What do you want, honey?”
Chicken strips, I thought, but the voice said in a distinct, unremarkable monotone, “Double cheeseburger, large fries, large Coke.” I started inwardly. I’d never order that much, dreaming or no. Then I relaxed – it was just a movie in my head, like all dreams. I was just watching. Then that intense feeling swelled, kicked up a notch like someone turning up the volume on an amp.
I’d been fine with the lower volume, personally, and a coil of anxiety worked into my stomach. Movie Me felt it too, and the camera or whatever blurred sharply, simulating nausea. I blinked to get rid of the feeling, and the cricket chose that moment to scratch its legs right next to my eardrum.
I jolted out of sleep with a spastic twitch, breath catching. The only difference when I opened my eyes, though, was that the sun had gone down and I was suddenly sticky with sweat.
And the volume was still turned up way too loud.
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I like the concept of the sotry. It’s starnge and mysterious and leaft me with questions at the end of this piece. However, the beginning wasn’t as strong as it might be neccesary to hook your reader. Just try to start with something a little bit more intersting than crickets.
I liked the idea that dreams were just movies inside your head. That’s interesting and as it later proved it became essential to the story. The description of the dream world, however, was a bit unclear and i found myself confused at places.
I didn’t read any of your other version of this started chapter, but I think you should go with this one. You developed a nice voice there and with a little bit of polishing you’ll achieve perfection.
Keep it up.
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I enjoyed your piece. Sounds like it would make a good prolouge, with the next chapter being the first. Something to consider as you continue.
I can’t offer much of a critique other than support, because this is a great start. I’m eager to read what’s next, to get into the real story, and past this introduction. So my lone advice is to continue, because I want more.
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