Its not supposed to “Rhythme”... Thanks for your comment anyway.
Romance / The Rising Tide
“Your heart is the ocean and my name but words upon your shore” ~ Lady
Its been long since we’ve talked
My heart is aching
My thoughts unclear
Endlessly waiting for your return
I hear nothing but your voice
I see nothing but your face
Was my name written with a finger upon the sand?
Has your tide risen above me?
Has it left me faded and drenched, drowning in you?
You’ve taken bits of me back with you to sea…
I am not complete with out you.
Return me~
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NeverSayGoodbye reviewed Version 3 -
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southernbaroque reviewed Version 3 -
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The last six lines of the poem are very good. The first six lines do not stand out very much. They don’t seem to build up to the climax of the sea-swept analogy. Consider re-writing the piece using the being pulled out to sea analogy throughout the entire piece.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 3 -
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It doesn’t rhythme for me, at all. It just seems to ramble alond, especially in the seventh line.
Sharon reviewed Version 3 -
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Is that supposed to be “return me” or “return to me”? Either way works I guess.
Written by a woman I presume? A man would never have thoughts this obsessive.
I like it though. The quote at the beginning is nice. It definitely sets the stage for the poem that follows.
There are a lot of meanings behind your words. I appreciate the thought that must have gone in to this.
“Has your tide risen above me?
Has it left me faded and drenched, drowning in you?”
This is my favortie part. Feeling washed away and alone. The longing aspect is clear here.
There’s potential with your writing. Keep up the good work.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 3 -
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Oh this is very sweet.
I liked it, very romantic too of course I mean duh right lol No but I thought it was very much full of love and tenderness.
Cool stuff.
Loved the first line:
“Your heart is the ocean and my name but words upon your shore”
I just hope the man I love can see my love for him on his doorstep one day… its just lyin in the wait for him to embrace it.
But good stuff man obviously I relate to it very well.
Amy
Ladyauthor2b reviewed Version 3 -
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Oh, this was beautifully expressed. I loved the analogy of the sand and the sea
“Was my name written with a finger upon the sand?
Has your tide risen above me?
Has it left me faded and drenched, drowning in you?”
This spells out love in such a gripping imagry that leaves me begging to read more. Brilliant. I give you so many kudos for the originality and creation of this.
starlightdream reviewed Version 3 -
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Great write!!!! Sweet and simple yet so powerful in your choice of words. I love the freewrite style you’ve used.
“Has your tide risen above me?” This line was such a tremendous transition point. This is a great pice of work.
I would suggest sharing with your readers a little bit more about whom your missing, fill in the blanks so to speak. I feel the need to know more about who this mystery person is.
Overall, a great piece of work, keep it up!!
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 3 -
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Much better. Nicely done – I look forward to reading more of your work.
Tiddleyboom reviewed Version 2 -
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This is romantic and sad – melancholy, I would say. The ebb and flow of love lost (or unrequited). I especially love the line ‘Was my name written with a finger upon the sand?’ It’s an imagine at once infinite and fleeting – just as love can be.
Thanks for sharing -
Tiddley
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 2 -
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Much much better :) I only see one thing now…
Has the tide RISEN above me? (you were using the wrong tense)
Wow what an improvement..and just lovely! :)
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