It is interesting that some people see this as a piece about road rage—and that it works that way for them. I have no problem with that. Thanks for the review.
Poetry / Drive
Drive
Driving home
the streetlights
and passing cars
paint disjointed portraits
on our faces and
throw shadows on the roof,
hanging over the night
and the drunken anger
that seals the car like a casket
waiting to be buried
under the weight of our self-imposed
madness.
Volatile seconds tick
as we clench our jaws
to hold back more words,
more barbs, knowing
that there will be
no burial –
no resolution
until the guilty sobriety of morning.
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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A comma is needed after the first line or it reads, “driving home the streetlights…” It’s not the passing cars but the headlights of passing cars that cast off lights. It seems the passengers of this car are angry with each other and refuse to speak, but how does one know there will be a resolution in the morning? The wording throughout is a bit awkward and needs some fine tuning.
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aramos reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how u use the term, “seals the car like a casket”
MorbidShadows reviewed Version 1 -
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Descriptive wordplay. Seemingly, your describing road rage, and what sort of outcomes may conclude. Imagery comes into play, adding to the atmosphere of the horrors of driving. There is so much risk you are taking upon yourself when you choose to be behind the vehicle. Guilt is an agonizing prospect that won’t leave. Outcomes can result in death, injuries, and among other things. There isn’t much of a criticism I can give for I believe this poem is complete.
veronica
Faithfullyours reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece. “Throw shadows on the roof” is really good imagery. I can almost picture it. And the last part about not solving anything until morning is so familiar. Sometimes you really have to sleep on it.
Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 -
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I interpret this as a married couple who have been fighting during their night out and/or during the drive home. I’ve been there recently myself, but can still feel the tension present in the car in your poem. Nice.
bardofbyte reviewed Version 1 -
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The first stanza is overstated. The lights don’t really paint disjointed faces,
they rteveal them.
jaugne reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this rather alot, but I think it would greatly benefit by some simple edits. The main thing that kind of disrupted the flow for me was the overabundance of modifiers. I think you do a really good job of creating mood, which makes a few of them unnecessary. You’re pointing out things you’ve already made plain with the tone of the piece.
For instance, “self-imposed”- with “drunken anger”, you’ve made clear that this is self-imposed, so as a reader I feel slightly taken aback that you feel that you have to tell me straight out, like you think I would have missed it. Look for these situations and correct them and you will have a very fine poem.
Kudos.
J.B.
hypocrasis reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite good. One of the better ones I’ve read tonight. You had me at “paint disjointed portraits” and thereafter. Try making lines 2 and 3 one line. It would present a more complete thought. The throwing shadows on the roof line I didn’t get, at least not at first. You could put something more profound in there. I like the language besides that though. Try developing the second stanza a little more; I am only a little sure that there were two people in this car. The second stanza could clear that up, maybe look at the feelings in that car between the two people a little more. I like it. but you should stop driving drunk!
kath2224 reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem paints a vivid picture , not only with words but with visuals and feelings.. Utilizing all the senses it allows the reader to have a full body experience ! I love the words used and the expressiveness of the poem as well as the anguish felt throughout the poem. I think we all can relate as we have all felt that same way one time or another … Thanks for sharing !
Dharma_Bum reviewed Version 1 -
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This is music man. Im reading it and it feels like one long anguished stream of thought, put it to music and you can almost feel the words slip into each note. I can see in my mind the streetlights reflecting off the hood of the car. Driving at night by yourself you have time to think, and its possibly the worst time to think. Its even worse when your with someone that you cant or wont talk to. You end up focusing mostly on the shit that happened that day, and this poem is a pure reflection of that state of mind.
You express the anxiety of being isolated with someone else in beautifull metaphor. How did you put it? Barbs.. Dont you dare stop writing.
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