Short Story / Perfect

She speaks with a low voice and a hint of Asian accenting-(accent)  This is such a cute piece.  The shy interaction of the characters, one is almost oblivious of it all.  Good writing, I enjoyed reading it.

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August 26, 2007

by r_chama

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
31	82.6% (23 votes)	17.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Santa Clarita, CA	October 20

Ah, everyone’s ragging on me for that accenting/accent thing.  I was actually going for the effect of accenting like a decoration for furniture does, but I suppose I’ll just fix that in the next version.

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Asian accenting, you should cut the “ing” here

barely graze and I could grasp  this is really good here is shows the sexual tension and the innocence in it. But i think you need to cut the word “and” and use a dash. will give it alot more voice

not sure what you mean by “girly man” i think that could be modified, maybe a feminen male or a thin man with a soft girlish face, something like that, but again i like your voice as a writer, the subtleness of they are the dorks in the school

This surprised me, not to sound offensive, but I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it after reading your notes. I was expecting it to be a little more emo, but I really like this. I think you have some real talent worth shaping. I think the characters are fairly well developed, though I would like to know more, and I think your style is appropriate for the subject matter. I would love to see more.

awwe, this is so sweet. i love the way you personify the two characters, althought i am not sure i am positive what relationship the two characters have/had. so being that said clarify that and i don’t think that this piece needs much else more, and that is the way people think, assuming that he loved her, the ending makes perfect sence because i think that every normal person would think that, unless they were skitzofranic.((i am not a speller and i am sorry)) haha, but i think this is a beautiful piece.

If all your stuff is about this girl… you are a potential stalker. Watch out. I would seek help.   You need to figure out why you are so obsessed with her.

I am pretty sure that “Accenting” as you use it is not a word.  You need to use accent.

asks; she  is asks. She

accenting, always  is – accent.  She is

graze and I – graze. I

jeans with sneakers underneath  - jeans underneath, and sneakers.

cross-legged

I like the flow of the piece and it is real.

Good job.. but it is just a fragment of a real story.  There needs to be more.  You promise more to the reader by the piece itself.  We deserve to see it.

Good luck.

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August 02, 2007

by r_chama

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
31	82.6% (23 votes)	17.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Santa Clarita, CA	October 20

“If all your stuff is about this girl… you are a potential stalker. Watch out. I would seek help.   You need to figure out why you are so obsessed with her.”

Ah, thanks for worrying about my well-being, but when I wrote “90%” of my work, it’s less about the girl than about this kind of emotion, even after it’s faded a lot.  It’s the kind of thing teenagers are about, innit?  Moving the same feeling from one crush to another?  I’ve grown out of it since I wrote this though.  Thanks for the corrections!

August 03, 2007

by squarehopper

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1723	80.2% (718 votes)	37.6%

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

you  are welcome… writing, unless I specifically make it obvious, doesn’t show the tongue in cheek I usually have.

Thanks for being a good sport.

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  Well, my first reaction would be to say that you are quitre the precocious writer; I wish I could have written as well at sixteen…. (well, actually I did, but that’s a different story…=-)

  Your story is solid.  I enjoyed it, and you use of subtle nuance was to be applauded.

Here:

“Could you not—” she starts.

You could have used an ellipsis instead of a dash:

“Could you not…” she starts.

  But thatr’s niggling, and entirely your call.

   And this from a man who doesn’t believe in perfection…=-)

   Au revoir,
    Danny

This was sweet, and touching rendition of young love and yearning. The last line speaks volumes. Some points:

`..., always complaining…’ – she doesn’t say this at the time, so I would make a new sentence ie `She is …’

`underneath.’ – would omit – sounds a bit silly & you don’t need.

`here.’ – would change to `there’

`green-stained’

It is short, but in it you have conveyed so much with the simple thoughs, movements and gestures. Dialogue is good and sparse. You write well. Good luck.  

I was disappointed it cut off so soon! You should make this an actual story. I already feel attached to both characters, especially Joanne. I think this would make a great storyline if continued, and you wrote very well; overall I’m thirsty for more!

This is really great man, I was worried that it wouldn’t be when I read your description. “I could grasp her hand if I moved mine an inch or two.  I grasp the grass instead.” That is such a fantastic line.

The only think I think I can recommend as far as changing is your first semi-colon, I think it ought to be a period.

I want to say, initially, that I’m immensely jealous how fluid and professional this is, coming from someone who’s sixteen.  You have a great instinctive concept on how a story should move and I love what you tell us without saying anything, a talent a great deal of us work hard for.  

You aren’t scared to repeat a word for emphasis, which can be difficult, but works, here, with “grasp” in the first paragraph.  Coming back with ” I grasp the grass …” works for me, and is ballsy.  Fun whent that works, right?

My one comment might be with a couple word choices.  In such a short piece, do you need to say you ALMOST have a reputation and that you’re KIND OF embarrassed?  Little choices like that can clutter.    I know because I catch myself making this mistake, often.  With your ability to convey without dancing, you don’t need the extra baggage.   Does this sentence lose anything when I edit:

“I wonder how I didn’t notice her attention shifting.”

Wouldn’t this be fun as the beginning of a book – a short but insightful look into this .. “character”?  But, it also works alone as a great flash.  Good for you.  I relate very well with this guy – with you – and would love to read more.

almost have  
kind of