Well, that’s a good question, I guess. Yes, I believe that I have a soul. I think many people might connect the afterlife to the soul, but for me, a soul is just.. I don’t know, that’s hard to define. I guess it would be just..who you are, how you differentiate between right and wrong, your emotions, and etc. And everyone has emotions and all that, no matter what they may believe happens to them when they die. I guess a soul is some sort of energy, and although I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife, the energy inside each person is released into something. Hm.. interesting question. Made me think.
Short Story / Born secular. (version 2)
His cigarette hits the water and I wait, longing for a strident impact. Anything to corrupt the already sick-sweet feeling stirring just above my subconcious.
The morning feels hazy, as if last night’s tequila still cradles our hesitant gestures, deeming the obscene as appropriate or perhaps vice-versa. Akwardness hangs between us, flourishing amidst the silent pauses and our heavy sighs.
“The thing is, kiddo, I truly hate that you have to know this isde of me. It pains me, it really does. Because you know, this all has to be kept secret… you do know that, don’t you, doll?” He looks up at me expectantly, so I mold my face into an apathetic smirk. Internally, I fall apart.
He keeps on, speaking eloquently as to blur true intent. My mind wanders as I dip my fingers into the cool lake and become surprised by its temperature. Water has always symbolized some kind of purity to me, probably stemming from my Catholic roots. When I was a child, I remember being surprised at the way holy water felt greasy when I tiptoed up to the basin and dipped my fingers into the blessed substance, playing the role of priest for my younger brothers.
The muddy lake water feels refreshing against my bare hands, nothing like the liquid at Saint Joseph’s, and for a moment I consider annointing myself the princess of this humanly waste. To be born again would certainly be a relief, and although I have been an atheist for years, I briefly pray for a mistake.
I look up as I hear him walking away. He’s headed back toward the cabin, our little oasis of technology hidden deep in Appalachia. It’s difficult coming back here each year, and I’m not sure why we do it. The city lights have dragged this little girl from West Virginia so far from where she once belonged, it’s sometimes sad.
Of course, I am not always aware of these truths on a conscious level. I love the city. From the time I was 10 years old, my sole purpose in life was to one day escape the stigma in which I was brought up. Everything about this place went against everything I thought I was. And once my mother died, I vowed never to return to these dusty roads.
So why am I here? Well, it was Jordan’s idea.
Jordan and I met 3 years ago, the summer I moved to Chicago. We both boarded the El at its 9:08am departure time from the station past 54th. I noticed him immediately, and not just because he was extremely good looking. He would always arrive with seconds to spare, his hair messy and his iPod loud enough that I could hear it from four rows away. The Replacements. So I decided to approach him, because my love for Paul Westerberg far outweighed any sense of shyness I had. I asked him out.
“I’m married.” he said apologetically.
I imagine the embarassment was apparent, because he quickly added
“But hell, what’s a cup of coffee between strangers? I like mine with a bit of kahluah, but that’s between us. How about for lunch, then?”
I immediately felt weary, as if this man was trying to initiate some sort of affair with me, even though I had been the one to ask him out.
“Noon is good for me.” I responded.
Over the next several months, our relationship evolved into a beautiful friendship, heavy with sexual tension but nonetheless, platonic. We ate lunch together everyday, and went out drinking many evenings. I also came to befriend his wife, Bevy, an adorable and clever photographer from Minnesota. We hit it off instantly, and pretty soon, the three of us became inseperable. Dinner dates, vacations, all of that. Bevy was constantly trying to set me up with various men she knew from the art community, but nothing ever worked out for long. It didn’t matter, though. I wasn’t lonely. I was in Chicago, and I had Jordan.
Although I kept my feelings for him buried deep inside, I became aware that I was, in fact, in love with him. But I also loved Bevy, so I never acted on my emotions.
And then we planned a trip to go camping. Back in my old hometown. Like I said, this was Jordan’s idea. Both him and Bev were raised in big cities, so the fact that I came from a small town in rural Appalachia was quite a novelty for them. So, we rented a cabin in Paint’s Creek, about 30 miles south of the town in which I was raised.
Driving in, I was simultaneously comforted and repulsed by the scenery. Aesthetically, it is a beautiful place. But over the years, this environment had twisted itself into something like a horrible reminder. Of who I used to be, of what I was trying so desperately to disconnect from. When I am brought back here, physically or in memory, I have no idea who I am.
West Virginia, it turns out, can do that to a person.
**
(It’s not done, so I know it seems unfinished, just trying to figure out where to go from here. Am I writing on too many things? Is it confusing and cluttered? Not sure, feedback would be awesome….)
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jhmckeogh reviewed Version 4 -
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Its funny when you equate the water being pure because of the narrators catholic upbringing. If you think about it, the holy water at the doors that every single person dips their hands into, before and after mass, has got to be absolutely ridden with bacteria.
“Inside, i will find beverly” This jumping to the future tense jarred me a bit as a reader. If the story is in past tense, IE the narrator is telling a story, logically it works that they would know something that is about to come, but i’d prefer to see it as its unfolding, chronologically, unless the future jump is important to the narrative. i’m not sure it is in this case.
A big hint that a story is too cliche is that your asking if its too cliche or not. I didn’t think it was bad, but i agree, the plot stalls out in the end.
Keep working,
james
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Weaver reviewed Version 4 -
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smdeitz reviewed Version 4 -
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This story is beautiful, really. Your flow is eloquent and draws the reader in…I found myself wanting to figure out what was happening, was a bit shocked that they had NOT begun an affair so the ending (at least of what you’ve written so far) was not expected. You might want to develop his character a little more in the beginning as well so the reader can stomach the fact he befriended this young girl AND his wife has done the same. Must be a great, outgoing, loveable guy with a bit of quirkiness to him if that is to be the case.
Truly, you should keep it going, but it will need some kicker of a twist for it to fly as a short story. Now if it is to be a coming of age novel then this is great for the setting up of the characters.
Finally, I have a question, and I ask b/c I simply don’t know, but if someone is an atheist, do they still consider themselves having a ‘soul’? I would imagine a soul is linked to after life, otherwise why would there be a soul?? And if there is no afterlife but you do believe in a soul, then where does that soul go?
Good job
KettiS reviewed Version 4 -
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Well, just to clear this up from the beginning, the story is great. The main character is complex, believable, and thus makes the writing itself just as good. I could find no problems, really, save for the fact that the abrupt jump into the story was a bit disorienting. I love the imagery and conflicts, and I’m definitely interested in reading on. Well done in capturing and maintaining interest! Don’t give up writing, whatever you do.
dwilli16 reviewed Version 4 -
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First line is weak and dosen’t catch my imagination, orn give me a sense that i have been dropped into the middle of a situation. The forst line has to set the tone for the rest of the chapter or book. I’m sure that you can come up with something better to start with, or re-work that sentence.
I feel that the expalnation was a bit forced and is working to hard to stuff us full of Maggie’s back ground.
Dialogue is really good, after the first paragraph things seem to pick up. Only draw back that is slightly annoying me is the prescence tense, i don’t know if it’s a good idea… weight up the pro’s and con’s of using it. I suggest read a few books on writing and how to write a novel.
Good luck.
bear4 reviewed Version 4 -
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Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone loathes everything they write at some point or another. Kafka was infamous for it. Your poetic gift starts out strong (though I personally have never known tequila to cradle anyone or anything. Sandblast, yes. Cradle, not so much.) but then fades. That last scene with her and Bev was excellent. Had me thinking,’Ohhh, here it comes.” If I had any advice I’d say ‘less is more’. Try a version with what you consider the absolute most important details cut out. Surprising how often that improves dramatic tension. Have you read Raymond Carver’s “Popular Mechanics”? Perfect example. Also, Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”.
My habit is to write the first draft completely unhindered, no editing, as little actual thinking as possible. Then, for the second draft I become the pitiless editor and hack it to shreds. Seems to balance out nicely. If you are looking for a book to learn from I’d highly recommend Ray Bradbury’s “Zen and the Art of Writing”. His story “Death Is A Lonely Business” is another great example of what I was talking about. Beautifully poetic yet plain-spoken. Good luck. Keep writing!
May reviewed Version 4 -
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Things I like:
- While I haven’t been in this situation myself, it rings true based on what I’ve heard from other people and how I sense I might react. I really do like your main character.
- I like your imagery in that it’s descriptive, but also conservative--no one wants to read a page-long paragraph about the colors in the water in the middle of the plot :-)
- I think overall you have a good writing style and you have a good thread of plot going here. This could go somewhere, though probably not novel-length, as it looks now. To me.
Criticisms:
- While my writing is sprinkled with sentence fragments too, and I don’t think it’s that wrong to break grammar rules wisely, I do think you can improve the flow of the prose by minimizing these fragments. Just rearrange the wording a bit.
- “well” and “it turns out” and other conversational phrases are in the narration here and there, and since they’re conversational turns of phrase, they allow the narration to take on the voice of the main character. This is awesome, just be sure that this really is the character’s voice and not yours, because if this is just how YOU talk, people who read multiple pieces by you may notice this.
- I think the hinted sexual abuse from the father might be taking it a bit far--this is a huge, central issue for people who have been sexually abused, one that has an enormous impact on how they interact in romantic situations as well as other parts of their lives. It’s easy to underestimate that if you haven’t experienced it yourself or been close with someone who has. Right now, your main character seems like she’s in a tough spot, and maybe had a difficult childhood, but is relatively psychologically healthy and resourceful. If you want to keep that image, you might want to tone down the traumas of the past. (Isn’t being raised Catholic scarring enough? :-)
Harvest reviewed Version 4 -
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Honestly, I hate where this story is going :\. The beginning is great, and of very high quality, but as it evolves, everything seems to me just so expected. What this needs, in my opinion, is more trouble… other than the usual disloyalty. You could do so much more with this than just a romantic story. It could be a romance between something bigger. Also, short stories usually cover a small span of time, and I think that whatever is gonna happen, happens soon because you already went back three years giving background history. Please don’t make this a disloyalty and love story!!! this is a going-away-great-personal-things-happened story, and with your abilities it could be really good. for more ideas and or if you are a film fanatic check out “The Edukators” this one will show you what I’m talking about, and will help you develop ideas for your writing.
other than that, I read it through, and the narrative was very good.
Erick
victoria700 reviewed Version 4 -
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well let me tell you i can tell that you are a writer. ((no duh, right?)) but i think i can tell that writing comes easy to you, i like the whole city vs. west virginia. beacuse i am somewhat like that, although i don’t live in west virginia. but although this is somewhat an affair, it’s a little sketchy, and i honestly don’t know where else you plot might go, except if this is a story of self-discovery. but even then i don’t know where might else the character would go. but i do think it is a story that might be an investment to continue. might i ask if this is a story reflecting somewhat of yourself? and if so quite possibly your journey should continue before you willb ee ablt to write more. but i do think that you are a lovely writer, quite possibly reflect more feelings instead of the story telling. although it is needed, it will become more appearant what the character is needing to do if you give her more of a motive. and more of a personality. i think that should develop your piece a lot. but with a little bit of work i think that this is something that you could get published.
desert9star reviewed Version 4 -
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First of all, stop being so negative there is a general warmth to this story that draws you in. So keep writing it. Yes, the plot is a bit cliche. No Maggie is not totally unlikeable. In my opinion it would be best to submerge some of the plot in the emotional drama that is occuring while at the cabin. Don’t be so forth right about the main character’s “mystery” aka abusive male relative. Let that come out slower. A lot of your imagery and discription is stunning but at the same time it’s more interesting to make readers work for the “meat” of a story. So more dialouge/action between the characters gives us an idea of who they are in action. And you actually do this when Maggie flinches from Bev’s touch, that implies guilt instead of saying it.
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