Novel Treatments / Cholera

I was impressed by the creativity in this excerpt.  The last line was slightly melodramatic, but well placed.  Be careful of spelling errors, ‘“Ahhhh,” Read Tooth’, I understood the meaning of the phrase, but its slightly  unnerving.

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August 16, 2007

by campb26593

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45	M	Elk Grove Village, IL	November 11

You know, I’ve probably looked at every word in this piece a dozen times and I missed “Read Tooth” (which should be Red Tooth) until I saw it in your reply. Thanks!!

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Please forgive me as this is my first review for about a year…

Point 1)

You certainly had were able to express the progression of cholera through your characters worsening conditions. I felt your opening paragraph(s) did not help me understand what was to come next.
I would have prefered acloser focus on those that were to become infected as opposed to internal
machismo bickering that left me more pondering over indian tribal names than leaving me with any feeling for the characters.

Point 2)

“Six Turkey’s legend as a shrewd trader will live forever in the tales at our fires,” Ten Whelp cheered.

A very small point- II always have visions of indians around fires.

Point 3)

I found some details on the net which list that the first significant outbreaks occurred sometime after
your novel is set.
more strongly with historical facts of the day. In doing so you will make both parts of your story more believable. Both major outbreaks occur sometime after 1833 and the major outbreak in Chicago is in 1854 (see below).Would the soldiers have a name for this disease prior to it arriving in Chicago? I am not sure just wondering. If your indians caught cholera from the fort as you suggested this I would imagine would have been documented in some way. If not during the outbreak then later on.

If it is going to be a major event in your book it might be worth tying in your story

An outbreak in North America took the life of former U.S. President James K. Polk. Cholera spread throughout the Mississippi river system killing over 4,500 in St. Louis [5] and over 3,000 in New Orleans [6] as well as thousands in New York [17] In 1849 cholera was spread along the California and Oregon trail as hundreds died on their way to the California Gold Rush, Utah and Oregon.

1854 – Outbreak of cholera in Chicago took the lives of 5.5 per cent of the population (about 3,500 people).

I think you have acheived your role in showing us the symtoms of Chlolera I just think you would strengthen the plot by linking it to Cholera epidemics of the day.

Hope this helps,
James

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August 16, 2007

by campb26593

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320	83.5% (115 votes)	26.6%

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According to Deadly diseases and Epidemics: Cholera (2003) by William Coleman, a Cholera epidemic arrived in New York in June, 1832. According to the reference Early Chicago, soldiers from Detroit brought the bacteria to Chicago in July, 1832 when they arrived to fight the Black Hawk War. That’s why I deemed Cholera a plausible disease for my fictional group in 1833. Yes, Cholera was a problem in Chicago from 1854 until the water problem was fixed but you have to remember that the town wasn’t even incorporated until August of 1833.

Thanks for offering that type of thorough research, though. Above and beyond, really :)

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I liked this; a very good extract and would like to read more. I could take on board the way you describe the symptoms though perhaps it could be drawn out a little, how it effects the whole community – but i suppose that’s the point of the book? And perhaps after his first diagnosis, I felt they turned from laughter to weeping to rapidly. Where was the concern?
Anyway, very good luck

Aside from anything else, I think many readers would be offended by your portrayal of Native Americans. “Bold Brisket?” The names your chosen all seem like the notion of someone who has been watching bad cowboy films.
     I also believe there are few people anywhere who would just stand and laugh at someone uncontrollably voiding their bowels. Not even once. They might laugh after, remembering, but not at the time. And not when it’s a person they have any connection with, though most people would show concern for a stranger.
     I also doubt that even “noble” Native Americans would be making pronouncements about their illness like “How can my hands and feet be so cold while my center burns?” “Calm stoicism” is a caricature, a “positive” racial stereotype. This may present symptoms, but as a work of writing, you need to do a lot more research into Native American Tribes.
http://www.accessgenealogy.com/native/illinois/chicago/index.htm  
Is a good place to start.
     Basically, in any fictional writing, to have engagement by the reader, you need to make the characters real. People everywhere behave like human beings, good, bad, with prejudices, strengths, faults, and desires. Different cultures can lead to different ways of seeing things, and hence different actions. But in writing about other cultures, you need to get below culture and show us the person, someone we relate to no matter how different our culture or way of thinking.

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August 16, 2007

by campb26593

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“Makes the Snow Yellow” was a true Potawatomi name for a actual, historical member of the Wolf Clan. Waubonsee was a member of the Thunder Clan and his name means “Makes their faces pale like the first morning sun” which refers to the killing of an enemy. Each Potawatomi is given a name at birth which they often keep secret because of the magic bundle that it carries. They are then awarded other names that reflect their personalities and accomplishments in life. So, I get to have as much fun as I want with the names.

Have you seen Apocolypto yet? A couple is having trouble conceiving and one of the village elders convinces the man to use a “fertility salve” which turns out to be a natural chemical that causes harsh burning discomfort to the skin. When the man and woman run screaming from the intent, the entire village degrades into jocularity.

My website, Avicorcho.com will give you an idea of the research I’ve conducted. You can see that I’ve gone far beyond a single web search.

I’ll see what I can do with the emotion of the segment.

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This was precise and excellently presented.  The dialogue progressed and kept me interested.  It does show the plight of the Indians.  White mans diseases caused more sickness and death than even the wars.  Entire races were nearly annilated by disease which they had no resistance too.  Well done and good job portraying this.

It is hard to get a feel of a story when you read small pieces of it, even it there is brief before hand.  You do not get a feeling for the characters or plot.  

The names are a bit hard to swallow.  I would go as far as say they are a distraction.  My suggestion is find out the Native American language you want these characters to speak and find appropriate Native American names in that language.  

It would be interesting to read a long version of your manuscript.

You are a very capable writer, and you have piqued my interest in your story.  I am going to look for the rest of it, if you have anything else posted. There are so many good things about it that I hardly know where to start.  

You said one of your goals was to allow the reader to “gather information about cholera’s symptoms and treatment while remaining nailed to the page”.  You were successful in that.  I had no idea that cholera affected people that way; the only thing I knew was about transference.  

Although I am not familiar with your characters, they seem well developed enough—you made my heart ache for them, especially Wateska.    

I am, by far, no expert in the area of realistic dialogue regarding Native American speech patterns, but to me, it seems a little on the stilted side, especially the statement made by Ten Whelp in the second paragraph. Also, would one have said shit at that time?  I’m not sure when that word came into being.

I do love the premise of your plot—such a unique idea.  I look forward to reading more.  Kudos!

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August 16, 2007

by campb26593

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
320	83.5% (115 votes)	26.6%

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45	M	Elk Grove Village, IL	November 11

Thanks for the review. Transference is tricky to discuss because of point of view. Neither white people nor Indians of the time understood how Cholera spread. In an earlier section the first three victims rolled their wagon of supplies through a sewage trench. Cholera is bacteria spread by ingesting water or food tainted by sewage. It first came to America and to Chicago in 1832.

I’m working on the dialog but will probably never entirely free the Native American prose from that stilted feel.

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Sorry but it is a little to emo for me. Add a little more sun and light and it would be better. However it was very origonal and otherwise good

Very cohesive if a little brief. I feel a little lost here though. I don’t know if you have other chapters, but I would be interested in reviewing those as well. I really cant see a flaw in the style here, only the brevity. Really good job.

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August 15, 2007

by campb26593

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Thanks. I tried to keep this short because it’s such a nasty subject and I didn’t want to push readers away from the rest of the novel. But surprisingly, people seem to want more detail. Hm.

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I had difficulty with all the names being flung around, but that’s just because this is the middle of the novel; if I had been able to read from the beginning, I am sure I would know them by this point.
What you have available here is very interesting, and did an excellent job of conveying all the symptoms of cholera. The only thing I was left wondering from the story is how cholera is contracted and how it can then be passed on—I didn’t think it was contagious, but it seems to be?
This doesn’t read like a story about people at all, but it is an excellent story about cholera—since that seems to have been your goal, I say, good job!

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August 15, 2007

by campb26593

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
320	83.5% (115 votes)	26.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
45	M	Elk Grove Village, IL	November 11

Thanks for the comments. I couldn’t really go into the details of how Cholera is spread here because the Indians would not have known. At the time, white people didn’t know either. But in an earlier part of the story the first three victims rolled their wagon of supplies through a sewage trench at Fort Dearborn (Chicago). Cholera is bacteria that live in human feces and is spread when sewage taints water or food. Cholera is becoming more prevalent in the 21st century and is a candidate-disease for a modern pandemic. Cholera first arrived in the U.S. in 1832 (New York) and traveled to Chicago that year with troops who came to fight Black Hawk (also explained elsewhere in the novel).

Not all Cholera carriers show symptoms.

The assumption in the story is that Red Tooth’s public defecation and the distribution of the tainted supplies would have exposed the entire village, and since sanitation was non-existent among this group…voila.

It’s a nasty topic so I’ve kept this segment as short as possible.

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