Thank you. I think love and sex and infatuation are confusing and confuddling (yeah, I know it’s not a real word), but also exhilarating. Thanks again.
Poetry / Ignition
Ignition – Version 1.0
A flame is lit with harmless flirtation
A come-hither look under a veil of lashes
Trigger sparks of glorious, amber flashes-
Igniting the fatal fire of infatuation.
Yearning for love’s sweet temptation
Desire burnt from brilliant fire to mere ashes
When careless words leave deep gashes
Of unbridled fury and frustration.
Reeled in once again- a fish on a hook
Writhing and squirming, unwilling and unnerving
Reeled in with that come-hither look
Deep in my lungs, I am conserving
All the air I can hold to fight this crook
Who stole my breath and stole my love- undeserving.
***
Ignition – Version 2.0
A flame is lit with harmless flirtation
A come-hither look under a veil of lashes
Trigger sparks of glorious amber flashes
Igniting the fire of infatuation
While yearning for love’s sweetest temptation
One careless word leaves a deep gash
Desire burnt from brilliant to mere ash
Of unbridled fury and frustration
And where once burned a flame
A viper is now coiled inside
Twisted in vicious, humiliating shame
Poisoning with its venomous bite
Still deep glows a flicker of passion untamed
And a premonition of perfection slighted
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AnnaElizabeth reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I’ve read a lot of poetry, so I know what I like, and I really like this. Its very well written and creatively done, keep up the good work! I really enjoyed reading this!
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tasteyourVANITYx reviewed Version 1 -
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This feels deep. The way you used your words was really nice. Something that would be confused to one that hasn’t experienced but really strong to someone who has.
Nice work.
[:
Keep writing.
pipiluv69 reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say that for me, personally, I prefer your second version of it to your first. I still can’t get past..”Trigger sparks of glorious amber flashes”
I would recommend either eliminating the word, “Trigger” or else the word, “glorious” to make this flow a little smoother.
Overall, I rated this as a 10 to have talent worth shaping, for you definitely have that.
MollyBlonde reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. I love this. I prefer version 2.0 because it has a lot more description. It almost makes me want to cry in fact. It reminds me of a boyfriend I used to have and now I lost him. But still I’m ok. Great poem! You’ll be a famous writer one day.
Molly x
jess reviewed Version 1 -
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i enjoyed the version one of this piece. i felt that the use of poison of a viper overshadowed the way this poem began. however the use of fish on a hook was just enough to plant imagery then move it forward without taking from the meaning.
mfrost reviewed Version 1 -
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If you are going to use “careless” in line six, then I think the second ending works best. Change “careless” to something like “seductive” and the first ending is better. Find the right word and I like the first poem better: I prefer sexy to the tire old love hurts stuff.
paulfogarty reviewed Version 1 -
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The reworked edition is much better than the first version. You did a great job there and while the entry of the coiled snake is welcomed I think it could be exceedingly powerful to somehow combine the two main forces/expressions/analogies that you have here…the flame and the serpent. I dunno. You know, of course, somebody will always go “well it could have been better if ….”
But these two “characters” if you will…are both so powerful….why not have them sort of dancing around each other for control of your passion/emotion/heart etc etc?
So glad you edited out the word “fatal” from the first draft. Master stroke.
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