This was funny enough that I won’t be requesting a refund.
Journalism / A Brave New Labor Pool
MORGANTOWN, WV (AP)– It just goes to show that a roaring economy and an educated workforce are not necessarily good for everyone.
With unemployment rates at near-historic lows and a reputation for being exploitative, America’s service industry is faced with labor shortages that threaten to slow the red-hot growth the sector has enjoyed over the past decade. Restaurants, hotels, and institutional employers are having more trouble filling openings than ever before as workers take advantage of job-skills training or higher education to move out of what is often viewed by the public as entry-level employment and into more lucrative fields.
This situation has caused the industry to use ever more-inventive methods of finding new workers. But a local employer may have hit upon the most innovative solution ever.
“Even though we’ve only been open for about five years, we’ve run into the same problems everyone else in this business has: finding people to do the jobs,” says Robert Clutter, general manager of the Riverview Hotel and Conference Center, a 25-story hotel opened in 2002, “and we’ve used the tried-and-true methods to address this, but they’re not working as well as they used to. I mean, parents nowadays are so hung up on their kids getting an education that the pool of available high school and college dropouts, traditionally our largest source of workers, is lower than ever. And with immigration-reform getting so much press lately, we find that we’re running out of Third-World countries to get workers from. So, we’re forced to come up with something new, before we have to take more radical actions, like increasing wages or improving working conditions.”
“Something new” is certainly one way of describing what this hotel has hit upon, but if it works, it may well serve as a model for the entire industry.
“It started when we were down to only one dishwasher,” says Annamarie Avery, Riverview’s human-resources director, “We were having a really hard time finding any new ones, and the one who was left felt that it was unfair to expect him to work 16-hour days for minimum wage, so he demanded a raise. While we appreciated his sacrifice for the company, we couldn’t allow ourselves to be held hostage like that; I told him he’d have to wait until his one-year anniversary to get his one-to-four-percent raise, just like everyone else. So he left.”
Faced with a serious problem on a busy Friday night, Avery resorted to a drastic and daring solution: she went to the hotel’s storage area and found a floor-length mirror, which she propped up in front of the dishwashing machine.
“At first, I thought, ‘Am I crazy?’, but it worked,” Avery continues, “The dinner rush went off without a hitch. I told the restaurant managers and the chefs that they’d have to send people to help out in the slower periods, and nobody seemed to notice any difference. And since it worked so well, I thought, ‘Why not try it in other areas?’ So I started filling other open positions that way, and it just snowballed from there.”
That initial success led to a new program for the hotel, called Sustained and Comprehensive Reevaluation of Every Worker, or SCREW, which has replaced all non-administrative staff with inanimate objects and non-perishable dry goods.
“Since initiating the program, we’ve been SCREWing people in nearly every department, and the results have been beyond our wildest dreams. Employee morale, when measured by the number of employee complaints per month, hasn’t been this good since the hotel opened. And productivity, measured as work performed per dollar paid in wages, is through the roof, since our only expense is the cost of initial purchase. And in some instances, there’s not even any expense. For instance, we replaced our Maintenance Department with a box of rocks gathered from the riverbank, and our Housekeeping staff with a hammer and a used canvas high-top sneaker from our Lost and Found closet.”
A walkthrough of the hotel reveals the results of this new employee-recruitment method. The front-desk staff have all been replaced by four kitsch lamps procured from a flea market, and the kitchen staff, from the cooks who prepare the meals to the chefs who supervise them, have been replaced by a case of canned mandarin oranges and four one-gallon jugs of zero-trans-fat butter substitute. The wait staff, in both banquets and the restaurant, were dismissed in favor of a ten-pound box of dried black beans, and the lounge’s bartenders are gone, a rusty horseshoe and a pack of generic light cigarettes now mixing drinks.
However, this new program hasn’t been as successful in every department. As Mr. Clutter pointed out, “We tried replacing our salespeople with a dirty mophead, but that didn’t work too well, so we brought in five crack-addicted prostitutes. There were some initial problems, but since we taught them not to ask for cash deposits or offer ‘a little extra somethin-somethin’ in the contracts, clients haven’t had any complaints.”
When asked why the administrative staff have not been SCREWed, Avery replied, “Someone has to be here to escort the home-office people around when they come for quarterly inspections.”
Never let it be said that management can’t be flexible when the need arises.
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jfmalewitz reviewed Version 5 -
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Well, this feels like a business piece, which I am not an expert on. I will give you my journalism two cents. I do have experience as a journalist—two years to brag.
“Restaurants, hotels, and institutional employers are having more trouble filling openings than ever before as workers take advantage of job-skills training or higher education to move out of what is often viewed by the public as entry-level employment and into more lucrative fields.” This sentence works in many ways, but is too long. Would there be any way to shorten it? I loved your lead, however, which so many people here, including me, have trouble with. It set the table for the piece. Just see if you can shorten that one line at all, make it two sentences or add a comma to give readers a breath.
“a 25-story hotel opened in 2002” This sounded kind of funny. Maybe just me, but I wanted it to say “a 25-story hotel which opened in 2002.” That is just an idea. Also, right there, if you plan to have this as a journalism piece don’t break up the quote with an attribution. I tried that once and my editor questioned it.
” “Even though we’ve only been open for about five years, we’ve run into the same problems everyone else in this business has: finding people to do the jobs,” says Robert Clutter, general manager of the Riverview Hotel and Conference Center, a 25-story hotel opened in 2002, “and we’ve used the tried-and-true methods to address this, but they’re not working as well as they used to” This is very long too. Now, my point was the attribution. You could end the sentence after the attribution. Then state “We’ve used the tried and true method to address this…” All you are doing is cutting an AND out of a quote, which shouldn’t be a big deal, who cares about a single AND? Or you could start the sentence with an AND. Those are just ideas.
““At first, I thought, ‘Am I crazy?’, but it worked,” Avery continues,” Continues is present tense, keep this past tense. Only use present for reviews. Also, end the sentence “but it worked.”
Why is it I get all the surprise pieces? I am not sure what to say now. Very humorous. Is this supposed to be a humor column? This is very good until it stops being serious. I guess you were experimenting. Overall, a good piece, but I am not a humor critic.
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blimprue reviewed Version 5 -
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Very enjoyable read, and not so far-fetched: Cartoons are inanimate things, and have been taking actors jobs for years. However, the most brilliant cost-cutting move in the service industry is the new “green” revolution—hotels tell you to keep the same sheets and towels so as not to stress the environment. Sort of like the Christian Coalition telling you to refrain from extramarital sex, due to all the extra CO2 emissions released into the atmosphere from moaning…
benjywenjy reviewed Version 5 -
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lol, very witty i really liked it. At first I thought it was a serious piece of writing, something that one would find in the economist or something, but i was delighted when the second half kicked in. I had a poor job for a while and definitely felt SCREWed as well. The way our economic system is shifting were all beginning to have these precarious jobs, except as you pointed out the management that is.
Cant’t really think of anything to crit. except perhaps the crack addicted prostitutes is a little crass and rude, it’s not a massive thing but it seems we’re meant to get a laugh out of their situation.
apart from that little thing I really enjoyed this. Made me smile.
thanks for posting
Benjy :)
SirTristan reviewed Version 5 -
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Wow, I got into reading thinking I was in fact reading a journalistic piece, not a satire.
Of course the satiristic writing style was evident soon enough. It was entertaining and having worked in the service industry it was amusing and rings true.
I myself being a more dry humor kind of guy found your examples a bit outlandish: housekeeping replaced by canvas shoe bit for example.
What are you going for here? I think the writing is good, but perhaps it might increase your argument to sprinkle this piece with facts (actual journalism) to get your point across and make the absurdity you’re illustrating seem more believable.
Does that make sense? It’s just my opinion. Nice writing style though. Shows promise for any writing field
DPF21 reviewed Version 5 -
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That was hilarious. I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first. I thought you were just a really right-wing leaning journalist until it became clear that this was just a well executed satire. I loved it. I laughed hardest when the acronym SCREW came into play. Very good work.
haikudo reviewed Version 5 -
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Nice try, but everyone know it takes a lighted three way mirror to properly operate modern dishwashing equipment. I was worried that this concept would not become popular in cowboy country, until I saw a 24 pack case of ramen noodles sitting tall in the saddle. Now I am satisfied that even I can be replaced with an I-pod and proper mood-lighting. Please wait for further reviews.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 5 -
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The content or body of this is filled with tongue in cheek humour which is witty and clever. I like the use of SCREW especially. The only thing that threw me back a little was that you put this in journalism and you opened with:
MORGANTOWN, WV (AP)– I became confused as to whether you were showing us someone else’s work, just part of someone else’s work with a comment by you or if you wrote the whole thing as a parody? Unless this is actually something that has happened, and you are reporting it, why the journalism category and why use the AP wire? Why am I even asking this? Because it makes a difference how one reviews this.
sarafarey reviewed Version 5 -
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I had a few good laughs while reading this piece. At first when the mirror was mentioned, all I oould think is yes this would be something corporate America would try. Then I realized you were being sarcastic and it continued on. My only thing is this should be under criticism and not journalism. The starting of the piece reads as journalism, but shifts more heavily to criticism. Also what ultimately do you want to say with the piece? Are you trying to emphasize how coporate America doesn’t see people as human, but as objects?
alicat386 reviewed Version 5 -
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You had me going there..I thought it was a real piece of news…I laughed out loud about SCREW. I would tighten it up to get to the funny stuff quicker. “cooks who prepare the meals to the chefs who supervise them, have been replaced by a case of canned mandarin oranges and four one-gallon jugs of zero-trans-fat butter substitute” -- very funny line…but there are too many references to what teach person now is -- use the funniest stuff and get rid of some of them.
nickdngr reviewed Version 5 -
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It’s rare that I actually laugh out loud, I did so in this case— but I, too, am not a fan of my job.
The only real thing I would change is paragraph length. They run on for a bit, especially the quotes. There are many different styles of satire, though, so I cannot be too critical of it.
The other thing is regarding tense. Journalism is always written in past-tense. I think this would go over better with “Avery continued” etc. Overall, though, I enjoyed it.
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