Poetry / Melancholy Mists

The poem has a focus, and through the images the meaning of the moment grows. I don’t review much poetry, but cause you’re a friend (you may regret it).

The strongest lines to me were these:

`Water color …dyed stains.
What went …be changed’- this interior rhyme in the central part of the poem, sets a major beat – this leads from `feeling’ to meaning (interior considerations) in the later part of poem.

`Raindrops like chandelier prisms’
`chandelier’ was too angular and hard edged in connotation, as to an extent was `prism- for my image of raindrops, which begins the line. Without the line, I thought meaning would be preserved, but I’d miss `raindrops’. Thinking of raindrops as reflecting inner worlds, but that doesn’t help.

`Aspiration surrendered to forgotten needs’ – this is a powerful line which I identified with – looking back at what you aspired to, but put aside because of daily needs of living, which were more important at the time, took priority but now can’t be recalled.  
The last line condenses this in a terrific image, which is both hard to grasp like a mist (the past) and vivid and confronting like a carcus on the ground.  
Won’t waste any more of your credits, I can’t be critical enough. Far as I am concerned really good poem. It got to me.

`

Nice metaphores, though the whol epiece sounds a bit clumsy which would not necessarily detract from its value – it could be viewed as harmonious and relevent to the mood of the poem.

i dig this, you defintely have a talent. i don’t think it will be very long before you are published, keep it up and keep writting

-sir sims.

One of the best poems I’ve read. I like the use of senorary.

I simply love the elaborate and highly original imagery used in this piece – the idea of plump fluffy clouds being pregnant I find especially good, as it evokes in me a sense of mother nature, found in the clouds – giving birth to rain.
But the tone soon darkens – perhaps too quickly one might say – into a self-reflective mood, using the varying types of weather found in the voice’s environment around them to convey this. In a way this is done well, but the change from “inner darkness” and “like sadness through my soul” to “soft caress” and “lazy daydreams” evoke positive feelings, in contrast to the strong dark brooding images conjured up by the former examples.

This, for me, would be the only major criticism of this piece of work that I could find and give – I’m sure others have picked up on some minor points and already covered them – so I hope my point about the rapid change in tone, and an inconsistent tone, helps in shaping your piece of work further.

It was mediocre. I didn’t like some lines, but some were string. It was strong in certain points. It didn’t have a very good hook at the beginning, but in the middle however, it did. It could have been better, but your talent is nursable, definitely.

Melancholy, it certainly is…
And I know because I am too…
Water color tapestries of tie dyed stains.—I love this line.

I thought this was written well, and the emotion you were attempting to convey was achieved, I believe.  I can relate to this, I suffer from depression and I thought the way you executed it was quite beautiful.  Keep it up :)

Melancholy Writer,

Just turned 36,
Who am I to grade non-redemptions attemp at unfix?
A rhymer I and cannot fix,
And wouldn’t beat thee with sticks,
Close to say, ”...What went before cannot be changed,” is slick.

I gaze at pregnant clouds outside my window
Overcast to match my inner darkness
Wind howls through trees like sadness through my soul
Melancholy mists cloak me in their soft caress.
Raindrops like chandelier prisms
Illusive rainbows reflect off crystal panes
Lazy daydreams of drifting recollections
Water color tapestries of tie dyed stains.
What went before cannot be changed
Dust motes dancing on stagnant air
Aspiration surrendered to forgotten needs
A past littered with dreams stripped bare.

v/r,

strangepeade

You have done a very nice job on this piece,it has very good imagery.I really enjoyed reading this lovely poem.keep up the good work and you will get somewhere!