Poetry / The Burning of Nyarubuye

Heart wrenching to witness no doubt, heart wrenching to even know that it is all true, the genocide that happened in Ruanda that is.
Thank you for bringing this into our consciousness.

Wonderful Description ,I could see the redness of it ,Hats off Greetings From India

Very poetic, as any poem should be… I am a big fan of imagery, and so you have no choice but to receive high marks from me.
We sat up on the hill: Fingers intricately entwined
Though some of their feast would scatter with the morning wind there would be plenty

and all for of the last lines. Fanastic narration. Only one word seemed out of place in the entire poem; Mystic. Do you feel the same, and if not, would you care to elaborate on your choice?

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November 13, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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22	M	Berkeley, CA	July 07

mystic – 1.        involving or characterized by esoteric, otherworldly, or symbolic practices or content, as certain religious ceremonies and art; spiritually significant; ethereal.

What I was working for by using the word mystic was to reiterate and reinforce the sort of separation between the brutal, human, and real devastation that occurred at Nyarubuye and the other-worldly quality that detaches and desensitizes us from the horror. A pack of beasts staying away from a fire, but waiting to eat the human remains is a horrific image, but at the same time seeing so many feral beasts in one place, waiting, is a very bizarre and, well, mystic event.

I’d say the same for my use of the words ‘seductively’ and ‘voluptuous,’ except there I’m connecting romance instead of spirituality. I’d argue they’re similar.

November 14, 2007

by kjoey35

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28	M	Bloomington, IN	December 09

It just felt out of place with the others, but I understand now why you used it. I couldn’t find a common ground the first time, but your explanation was very helpful. Your descriptions are all emotional, and that theme prevails throughout.

November 14, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Thanks for your critique, it was among the more helpful I’ve received, and I appreciate you questioning my use of words, as it shows that you’re reading carefully.

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Your first stanza wording has so much power the imagery explodes.
In the second stanza I don’t think you need the word “and” in the second line. I believe it would flow easier. Other then that the theme is tight. Dogs, beast and feast are words well chosen.
Your third, what could I possibly say that would improve what you have written.
Your poem is tragically wonderful.

A fine poem, evocative and moving.  I like the rhythm of the different length stanzas.  A delicate mix of beauty and horror.  A red sunrise indead.  Bravo.

I gave this a 9 out of ten because I was put right into the scene. I would have liked to read more about what was seen etc, but for what you have it’s vivid, good imagery and word usage. A grim scene very well depicted.

nice. I like it

This is nice. It’s def. something i enjoyed reading. Your way with words makes it feel more powerful. Which is wonderful. It makes this amazing.
Keep up the good work.
[:

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November 13, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Thanks for the critique.

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Oh, my goodness.  This is beautiful.  Beautiful and horrific, too.

The only crits I have are about punctuation: I don’t think you need the period at the end of line 1 because the whole stanza is one sentence; after “plenty” at the end of stanza two, use either a dash (—) or a comma.

Do you have more poetry to offer (I hope)?

Really, I am not being overly fulsome in my praise.  This is lovely and haunting.  Wonderful job.

Best wishes!

TA

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November 11, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Thanks for your comment. I’m still conflicted about the first period. Making it one large sentence makes sense, but I feel like the dramatic pacing works a bit better with the period.

There already is a dash after plenty at the send of stanza two.

November 11, 2007

by ThomasAlan

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58	M	State College, PA	November 21

Please bear with me, I used to be an English prof: what you have after plenty is a hyphen – not a dash—, which is two hyphens together, unless the urbis computer is blocking it.

If you wanted the pause at the end of line one (which I can understand since it is a dramatic moment) you could replace the period with a colon (:).

Please understand, these are extremely picky crits for what is already a terrific poem.

The grammarian now officially shuts up!

TA

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Wow – way to find beauty in the horrific!  It could use a few punctuation tweaks, but nothing major.  Maybe you could start a new sentence with the second line of the second stanza.  The narrator and her/his love together on a hill offers a nice contrast to the fire raging below.  I like the ‘mystic ring of dogs’, well put.  I also appreciate you understated rhyme (“entwined/lines”, traced/face”, etc.)
“a very red sunrise” – excellent ending – literally red, or red with the shed blood?  Very vivid, moving, and though-provoking.  This is quality work.