Young Adult / Indistinct Ch.1
Did you know that the sound of crickets chirping is actually the vibration produced by the things rubbing their legs together? Or whatever the legs are called on crickets. Either way, I think that’s why I’ve always hated the sound of them.
Not to mention I’ve always had this bug paranoia. So when I’m lying on a blanket in a field full of yellowing wild grass with my eyes closed, the thought that a cricket could be crawling towards me, rubbing its hairy legs, I’m not thinking of peace and quiet.
I’m more debating on leaping up and faking (or maybe not faking) an insane rage just to see if it would shut up if I did so. But I’m trying to sleep. Like, really trying. I know, you’re probably thinking, wow, some girl wants to tell a totally exciting story about sleeping, right? But lately my dreams had been really intense.
Not nightmare intense. I mean, it’s like watching a movie. I see things I’ve seen, but it’s like having someone else monologue the memory. For example: Say I see a corn field in my dream. I’ll think, “Iowa.” Then I’ll hear some voice say, “This reminds me of that movie, Signs.” I wouldn’t really think anything of these dreams, except every once in a while, I get this really intense feeling, like some weird force is drawing my mind somewhere. Like…say, magnetism.
It’s not scary, though, believe it or not. It feels inevitable – like the feeling you get when you’re strapped into a roller coaster at the top of that first huge drop, and you can’t avoid it, so you just face it head-on and watch the ground come at you.
Sorry for the rant. But I have to make sure you understand – this story’s all I’ve got. It’s keeping me grounded.
Anyway, I was trying to sleep, and I’d finally forgotten about the crickets. I was focusing on the warmth of the afternoon sun, and the way the golden light seemed to seep into your very bones, and the crickets were finally quiet, and then I was dreaming.
This time the memory was of a random drive-thru burger place. I could see a brown-haired woman in the front seat – which made me notice I was stretched out lengthwise in the back seat. The lady in the driver’s seat seemed important, but she definitely wasn’t my mom. I didn’t know her, and I had never experienced this.
The indistinct monologue voice spoke up when the brown-haired lady’s young, concerned face turned in my direction and she asked softly, “What do you want, honey?”
Chicken strips, I thought, but the voice said, “Double cheeseburger, large fries, large Coke.” I started inwardly. I’d never order that much, dreaming or no. Then I relaxed – it was just a movie in my head, like all dreams. I was just watching. Then that intense feeling swelled, kicked up a notch like someone turning up the volume.
I’d been fine with the lower volume, personally, and a coil of anxiety worked into my stomach. Movie me felt it too, and the camera or whatever blurred sharply, simulating nausea. I blinked to get rid of the feeling, and the cricket chose that moment to seemingly scream in my ear.
I jolted out of sleep with a spastic twitch. The only difference when I opened my eyes, though, was that the sun down.
And the volume was still turned up way too loud.
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I like the concept of the sotry. It’s starnge and mysterious and leaft me with questions at the end of this piece. However, the beginning wasn’t as strong as it might be neccesary to hook your reader. Just try to start with something a little bit more intersting than crickets.
I liked the idea that dreams were just movies inside your head. That’s interesting and as it later proved it became essential to the story. The description of the dream world, however, was a bit unclear and i found myself confused at places.
I didn’t read any of your other version of this started chapter, but I think you should go with this one. You developed a nice voice there and with a little bit of polishing you’ll achieve perfection.
Keep it up.
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I enjoyed your piece. Sounds like it would make a good prolouge, with the next chapter being the first. Something to consider as you continue.
I can’t offer much of a critique other than support, because this is a great start. I’m eager to read what’s next, to get into the real story, and past this introduction. So my lone advice is to continue, because I want more.
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