It’s really hard to explain this without sheet music, but this is loosely written for two singers. The person singing would switch as the format switched, purposely giving the feel of an abrupt change. But thank you for the honest review!
Lyrics / Said
Acrylic fingernail
Inner thigh
he said
he said
he said
“Hi.”
Lipstick Smudge
Accusing Glare
She Said
She said
she said
“Drop Dead.”
Bridges Burnt
Hearts Hurt
He said
he said
he said
“Why?”
Eighteen Stanzas
Six Couplets
Telling of
Locked Lips
Brutal Kiss
Love’s Missed
One mistake
Greeting, wish, question
Hi
Drop Dead
Why?
Greeting, wish, question
greeting
wish
question
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PiPsucks reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not going to lie. I really loved this. For the simple fact of just how mean she was to this poor guy. How he said “hi” and she replied with “drop dead”. Makes you wonder what he did that was so wrong. Also I really enjoyed the pure simplicity of these lyrics.
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stephenpoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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I am sorry I really do not understand these lirics. I understand that the guy is being caught cheating on his girlfriend/wife/ect., but I don’t get the greeting wish question part, it perplexes me. I tried putting it to a rhythem and that gave me a better idea on what it was about, but I do not think that it is somthing that the average person would comprehend. I would only make the suggestion that you change the catagory to suit this type of writing a bit better, it is a good work and I see alot of potential just not as a song or somthing like that, Try poetry.
Pimp_This reviewed Version 1 -
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I like what you have of this piece. I feel as it there is more or even should be more especially as lyrics since they inevitably tell a story. What doesn’t work with me in the piece is the verbosity of he said, she said. Which, as I think about it is far more eloquent and engaging then perhaps you meant for this piece. Then, the transition on from that was awkward. Perhaps when put to music works better.
Good job. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!
fugueot reviewed Version 1 -
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This sounds great to me – I really like the rythm.
It sounds passionate, angry and subtly sad too – I keep thinking Violent Femmes as I read it.
I like the simplicity, the way it changes toward the end and the spaces add meaning here.
I wouldn’t change anything really.
Cheers
Rooney reviewed Version 1 -
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it looks like the
“HE said
he said
he said”
part of the song could be really catchy( depends on how you use it)
As to the rest.. if you made it a little more lengthily(unless of course you al ready have it recorded , then I would love to hear it then review it again) it would do it some good..
All in all though I liked it….
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Version 1
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