Thanks, sciencefictioncomedy!
I see your point, but I disagree. One can think one deserves praise, without actually wanting to receive praise. Think of a narcissistic hermit, for example. He may believe he deserves love and affection, but at the same time prefer not to have it.
Poetry / Mentalman
Ol’ mentalman is mental, man -
his mind is made of metal;
But mind you, he won’t mind
a little testing of his mettle.
Yet, he’ll settle for a little,
preferring that to much.
Mentalman proffers his mind,
but offers not too much;
And though he thinks that for this
he deserves a little medal,
Don’t serve him one – for he prefers
that others do not meddle.
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brokenhand reviewed Version 2 -
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I know that one of your goals is word play, and I have to say bravo.
But as a poem, this could use some work. I think that you have set too much of your focus on the word play and lost the true reason why a poem should be written. I should be thinking, even if only a little bit, and I am not.
If you wanted to accomplish stating that there are a lot of homynyms for metal, well then you are done.
I think that you could make this a more meaningful poem by giving us some real insight into this mentalman.
Also, about your rhyme and meter, it’s a tad off in places. I would suggest not trying to rhyme much with much. ”And though he thinks that for this ” this line is awkward. It’s hard to even read, and it messes up your meter. You can fix it by dropping “for this” or by changing “for this” to something else. I also think that you should change the word little in the line that follows. It feels repetitive without a purpose.
Good Luck
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sciencefictioncomedy reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed the alliteration throughout the piece: the use of “m”, “th”, and “l” created a distinguishable rhythm that I found pleasant. I fear that the overall theme of the poem has been slightly compromised by the alliteration. The lines 9-12 appear to provide contradictory information about the mentalman’s character. On one hand “he thinks…he deserves a medal” but he also prefers it when “others don’t meddle”. You might consider revising those last four lines. A person either seeks praise or is reticent, not both. Nevertheless I enjoyed it immensely :)
hypatia reviewed Version 2 -
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It was the title that drew me in Mentalman = brilliant.
It sums me up some days.
preferring that to much. this line seem out of context. ‘preferring less to much’ as he is settles. Sorry wanted to help. The rest just makes me want to smile, I love it.
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re clever. I am reminded of Ogden Nash, and that makes me smile.
Lines 9-10 are a little awkward. I get what you’re saying, but I wonder if there isn’t a smoother way to say it? It’s the ‘for this’ that makes it bumpy. The syllables of, I mean. I, however, have no suggestions.
I think you should nix ‘yet’ from line 5, ‘for’ from line seven.
very cute, very clever.
Go you.
Love, love.
Onager reviewed Version 2 -
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Hee hee ha ha ha. Shell Silverstein on speed, came to mind. I’m agog over this poem okay? Too funny…I just love word play and you have done it so well!
Only one line would I change in a very minor way: I’d exchange the word ‘though’ for ‘if’ – there are just too many t’s or th’s thereabouts! and ditch the word ‘that’ entirely – isn’t necessary and is actually distressing to the count!
See what you think…
Great poem. k
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