First off, you sound a little grumpy and come off as kind of rude. However, that does not detract from your statements, some of which I feel are good.
The number of goals is irrelevant and should not have been mentioned. I didn’t write the goals, but assume the author had reasons for restating the obvious.
If the reader/reviewer is that impatient, maybe they shouldn’t be reading/reviewing in the first place. How can they be objective if they’re complaining even before they get to the writing?
As far as the shunks, I mean chunks of writing being in bold. I can’t explain that. I have no idea what happened there, my mss is in regular 12 pt.
The phone? I don’t get your point here. That line is almost at the very beginning. It soon follows logically that you use a phone to make a phone call, so your reaasoning here eludes me. Hit, or kill someone with a phone? Who thinks that way?
Be descriptions and show us? You meant descriptive here? Personal choice, if she was focusing on her house, and its style I can see being descriptive, but when she’s trying to get to the phone, I can’t see how marveling at the design of the desk.
Tiptoed noiselessly. Good point, but I like it, so I’ll think I’ll ignore your superior knowledge here.
We’ll have to disagree on this point too, because I detest excessive description. A desk in a room doesn’t evoke all that to me, but a friend of mine’s gets into excruciating detail about such objects, maybe I’ll refer you to her. Me, don’t like it. It bores me silly. Different strokes, here.
The whole point of the piece is not to, at least in this part of the story describe her house and what she did last week. The urgency is getting on the phone to discuss her shock proposal. Going off in the direction you would send me would create complete and utter havoc. What she doing is more important than a desk she bought last week, whether she splurged or not.
Experts tell you to avoid the excessive use of tags, unless they are really doing something that needs to to show an exact emotion. Use of she said, after she spoke is redundant because we know she said it, because she’s speaking in quotations. Every writer’s book that I have tells you that, so again, I’ll overlook that point.
First you stub your toe. Then you think it shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I think that sequence is logical.
Good point about them having the same voice. I’ll look in to that. As to whether you care about the characters or not at this point seems to me to be a bit premature, but that’s your call.
Thanks for the offer of help.
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