Poetry / (Me?)

I really enjoyed this piece. It equally reminds me of paranoia perhaps while stoned as the style itself reminds me of E.E. Cummings. Great imagery marrying to the angst of the piece. With more pieces like this I honestly believe you will publish sooner than later. Great job. Keep writing. Thank you for sharing.

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July 26, 2007

by elfygirl

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
189	83.8% (111 votes)	38.5%

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21	F	Boca Raton, FL	April 16

Thank you; it’s a great compliment for me to remind someone of e.e. cummings.

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You are very confused in this poem. And it left me confused.
The words in () mainly add more to my confusion. I dont think they are necessary. Although I see you were trying too add another voice in your poem.
It needs some work. Good job though. Keep it up!

tornwings

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July 26, 2007

by elfygirl

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
189	83.8% (111 votes)	38.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	F	Boca Raton, FL	April 16

Well, you’ve hit it on the nose. The speaker is confused; that’s the reason for the parenthesis. She’s questioning herself and what she knows and why she knows it. The punctuation is also a key factor. If you noticed, most of the end punctuation marks are question marks. Only the last two have periods, and it’s because the speaker d decides to believe that it is just her: ‘Maybe it’s just- (me.)

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This is really good. Your wandering thoughts effect you so much. But, they really don’t mean much to anything or anyone but you. I get it.

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July 15, 2007

by elfygirl

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
189	83.8% (111 votes)	38.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	F	Boca Raton, FL	April 16

I myself don’t know what the poem is about; I think after I fix it up some, I’ll be able to figure it out. At least, that’s what I hope!

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1st Stanza--My free thinking is not mine?--Very nicey put, a very good question.
3rd S—Oh, I’ve been there.
Last S—I believe this person (you) are a pretty normal human being.

I think I have read something of your before this one tonight.

You tell me alot. For example.

“I can’t see through the window of my eyes”
or
“can’t hear over the noise of my thoughts”

These are cliched and if you SHOWED me more, such as, with image.

instead of
“can’t hear over the noise of my thoughts”
something like
“A bulldozer hums above my brain stem”
or something else…that may be a bad example.

Hey man, you can’t please them all. Keep writing and keep reading.

I saw a theme emerge in the first stanza, but you digressed. I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying with this piece. Your language is great, but I think you lost what you were trying to say in this piece.

This was cute…different.  I don’t know if it was exactly “fine writing”, but I thought it was quirky and fun, and I’d like to read more you’ve written.

Interesting, to say the least. Makes me think of the kid in my class that nobody ever pays attention to because they all thinks he’s stupid. What’s really going on in there?

Thought-provoking, though the structure’s a bit odd. Well done overall.