Hm, I never thought of it that way. Thanks…. I’m going to try that. I’ll go back, and rewrite it with some details, and then post the new and orginal side by side. Should be interesting to compare them! Thanks for the suggestion!!!!!!!!!
~Sky
Lyrics / Hole
I try not to show it
But when I smile
I don’t feel a thing.
I’ve given up hope,
Given up faith,
Given up everything.
There’s a cold hole inside of me,
Where its Winter but never Spring.
Secrets pile up, lies mix in
All I need is peace.
This hole is growing bigger,
Lies devouring my flesh.
I’m sinking ever so slowly
No lifeboat to save my wreck.
So as I sink in the ocean
To the pit of the bottomless sea,
My hole drives me to drown
In a flood of misery.
There’s a cold hole inside of me
Where its winter but never Spring.
Secrets pile up, lies mix in,
All I need is peace.
Save me someone, anyone
I’m going under and I cant breathe
Save me from the wreck I am
Help me someone, please.
I can feel it, something’s wrong
My happiness is gone
No hands reaching to save me.
There’s a cold hole inside of me,
where its winter but never spring,
Secrets pile up, lies mix in
all I need is peace.
All I need is peace,
Why can’t you see?
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kittykatmanson reviewed Version 1 -
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This whole peom/lyric made me cry.
“Save me someone, anyone
I’m going under and I cant breathe
Save me from the wreck I am
Help me someone, please.
I can feel it, something’s wrong
My happiness is gone
No hands reaching to save me.” It reminds me of suicide and how I have struggled with it and how know one understands me.
“All I need is peace,
Why can’t you see?” This part has nothing to do with suicide like the rest of it does. Suicidal people want attention and want the damn pain to go away. The pain is usually of parents not knowing or seeing them or recognizing them, paying attention to them. Its a struggle that I am faced to deal with and I finally got throught to my mother. She is doing her best to help me through it. I did enjoy this poem/lyric a lot though it made me cry.
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cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
reasd your lyric and i like it..especially for a person so young..at 15 we all expect alotmore out of life than what it really is..but i found the more things i do that are postive..(not negative) the happier i am..and the hole does not seem so deep..if there at all..but one must get out of themseleves and do postive things..i’m sorryi have gone on but what i have said i think is more important than a song..which i might add isn’t bad for a 15 year old who has plenty of time to develop keep writing and keep the faith..(in life) till then good luck..
IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 1 -
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My hole drives me to drown
I think that would play off much better if it was, “My hole drives me down.” We all ready know you’re in an ocean and you’re sinking, so obviously it would lead to drowning. If you put that it drives you down then we get the feeling you’ve got, like you’re definitely not coming up for air.
Really other than that I think it’s all right for your age. For it being one of your first it’s also quite good. So good luck with your goals and good luck with developing your skills.
paulfogarty reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, my favourite line, I think is this: “Save me from the wreck I am”...
I love the whole “cold hole” thing as a kind of signature line for the song.
There are parts that don`t make logical sense, but then, you know, it`s a song so just creating a powerful mood can usually over-ride that. By not making logical sense I mean the redundancy inherent in the following two lines:
“So as I sink in the ocean
To the pit of the bottomless sea…”
Cos, you know, you don`t sink down in an ocean to wind up in a sea; and also, if a sea is bottomless, does that mean it doesn`t have a pit? Cos it is bottomless?
But you know, these are two of my other favourite lines in the song and are extremely powerful already. I personally LOVE the image, the mood, of sinking in the ocean to the pit of the bottomless sea and I love the way you kind of work that whole maritime theme through the song. Usually it is a real cliched theme but somehow you make it work…and I think its got to do with your unusual grouping of images…the ocean sinking to the pit of the sea for example, and save me from the wreck I am, etc etc…
I think the song could be a real cracker (just from the lyrics alone) if you could give the listener/reader a little more of the storyline behind why you have this cold hole, and where does it come from, and what triggered it, and stuff that makes us want to care about the whole thing.
With what you have so far…it is too easy to dismiss as a teenager`s diary of lost hope. We can`t care unless we know what triggered the cold hole etc. Otherwise it could be that we are being taken for a ride, emotionally, and there is nothing behind it. You gotta give us some reasons to care.
Otherwise the writing is powerful, the phrasing is great, the texture of your writing shows actual talent, and you should keep on writing…no matter what.
retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this, it reminds me of an alice in chains type song, very grungy. only the third verse bothered me a little, you vibe is that you are a alone and depressed, a hole inside you, by even putting this into words you are implying that you are holding your hands out for salvation and so by actually saying it seems a little obvious. Thats only my opinion though, as i said, i enjoyed the read. good work.
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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You need to write a reason for feeling this way. You speak of how you feel bad, you want someone to save you, you need peace, but never say why.
Your thoughts are too vague, like ‘the lies’ – who lied to you? Why? What lies? If you focus on the details you can make this work, otherwise it will be just another song in the sea of ‘I feel empty – please save me’ songs.
Patience_is_a_virtue reviewed Version 1 -
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i absolutely love your piece. i’ve never read a piece that flowed as perfectly as yours while maintaining a thoroughly interesting content. this was beautifully written. keep writing! i’d definitely like to see more of your work if they sound anything like this. out of curiosity, what type of music would you ideally set this to? good work!
Rooney reviewed Version 1 -
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for the gaols you set to meet i find the lyrics as close to perfect as they can be. heh im a sucker for when people use seasons in there songs too. you did a really good job though. sorry i coundnt trow you some pointers just didnt think i needed to.
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