Until sundown I must hide
For then I would watch the tide
Until sundown I must stay in the dark
Beneath the trees…
A shadow in the park.
Until sundown I must hide
Until sundown I must wait
Until then I could hate.
Until sundown I cannot shine
I cannot extend the limits of my line.
When sundown would turn numb…
I would show the person I have become.
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this is an amazeing poem and hideing and waiting and darkness fits into a catagory all its on i wish it were longer so i would have more to read on its an amazeing poem truely you are verry artistic!!!!!!
I think your rhyming restricts your poem. Instead of coming naturally, it seems as if you had to work your poem around the rhymes, which is never a good thing. For example, ‘for then i would watch the tide.’ It doesn’t seem to fit into the rest of your poem. It has nothing to do w/ hiding fromt he world. Your last two lines are also an example. How can sundown turn numb? If you’re going to use such an intriguing idea, it has to be better thought out. I would say scrap the rhyming and just write what you feel, why you have to hide, where your hiding, who your hiding from, how you feel about hiding, etc. It’s a good idea, and I like the repetition of “Until Sundown,” but the rhyme throws it off. Good luck!
I liked your use of repetition of the phrase until sundown. It works to create a real sense of waiting until the world goes dark. Nice job on that.
I didn’t understand the line “Until then I could hate” though. You may consider reworking it to be a little clearer. I may have just missed the point though, it happens.
Yes—you display a part of human nature. I have felt your words.
I have-
i’d like to see another poem/short story on why the sun means so much to you, and why you depend on it so much, but other than that…great piece :)
~ForeverTogether
Your side notes point to the limitations of this poem. In its few spartan lines your speaker does not mention “stillness” once nor are there any images to evoke a quiet calm, so you’ve perhaps missed your own mark on that front. The poem does develope an interesting cadence and beat structure around rhyme. I like the almost supernatural voice, reminiscent of some magical chant. However, out of your twelve lines, three of them repeat “until sundown.” I doubt you achieve more effect with this phrase by its overuse. You refer to “hate” toward the end, but give your readers little to understand that or the metaphor “limits of my line.” Frankly, given the sea imagery, it’s as possible to assume you are talking about fishing as about the scope of your speaker’s power. I think this piece needs a small narrative arc, some beginning, middle, and end to entice your readers and inform the scene.
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