Thanks for the review & feedback, Nytefist. I’m glad you enjoyed it :-)
Short Story / Touched
There were only four rooms in the house where I grew up with my eight brothers and sisters in the back woods of Kentucky. And for most of my life, there was no electricity or running water in any of them. We had to work hard all day just to make it. But then when the night came we slept better knowing that we had done something that day.
Winter nights were the coldest and longest of any nights we ever spent in that little house. The roads were too long and treacherous for us to travel off of the mountaintop to go to town, and there weren’t a lot of people up there for us to social with either. So during the winter we pretty much had only each other to keep company, entertain, and pick on until spring came.
We spent our time in the winter trying to keep the fire burning mostly. But we’d also sing songs, play guitar, and tell stories to each other. There were ghost stories, funny stories, true stories, and then there were always just the stories we would make up as we went along. But the story that I am about to tell you, really happened to me one of those chilly winter nights, and to this day I haven’t forgotten a single detail.
I was about 10 years old when they finally ran an electric line up the mountain to where we lived. I was so excited when Daddy hooked us up! We could sing along with the radio, which we all loved to do, and we didn’t always have to go to bed when the sun went down because we still had a light or two on the inside the house that didn’t burn up all of our lamp oil.
But the greatest day of all, one that I’ll never forget, was the day that Daddy got us a TV! I remember that little black and white screen would often be so fuzzy that we could barely make out the faces, but it mattered none at all to us. We would sit right there just to see and hear what we could.
You see, our house was down in a little hollow beneath the top of the hill, which is why the reception for our television was so poor. This soon became a very big issue for our family as we began to focus more and more time toward this little box. So it wasn’t too awfully long until Daddy stretched a cord from our house to the top of the hill, and then rigged up an antenna in the loft of the old abandoned shack that sat up there.
Mommy always told us that the old shack was haunted by a woman who fell off the porch, broke her hip, and died right there in the place; but I just figured that it was her way of telling us kids to stay away from there. It was a creepy little place, though. The door was off its hinges, the windows were broken out, and the side was completely grown up with raspberries.
But then it happened one evening when we were watching our television. We were all just sitting there, laughing away at something, and then the screen started roaring and the picture left completely. Daddy said the wind had likely knocked the antenna off, and he offered to pay one of us ten whole cents to go turn it back around.
Well that ten cents meant as much to me back then as a million dollars would today. “I’ll do it, Daddy!” I remember shouting out as he reached down into his pocket and pulled out that small shiny coin. He put the dime in my hand and told me that they would all yell out really loud when the picture was right. But all I could think about was the ice cold RC Cola that I was going to get for myself with my small fortune, as I took off out the door and on up the hill towards the little old shack.
I remember thinking on the way up the hill about the dime in my hand. I didn’t have a pocket on my dress to put it in, and I was so afraid that I’d drop it in that creepy old shack when I tried to turn the antenna. I didn’t have a light with me either, so I’d probably never be able to find it. So, I decided that when I started to climb the ladder I’d put the dime in my mouth, just until I got back down.
Mommy always told me that money didn’t belong in my mouth after all it was the dirtiest thing that ever was. So I stopped for a second to clean it off real good with the hem of my dress. The little coin shined in the moonlight and glistened like the frost on the ground. It looked clean enough to me, so I went on.
When I finally got to the top of the hill, I looked back down towards our little house to see how far I’d come. I wondered if I would really be able to hear them yell from that far…especially since I was going to be inside the shack, and up in the loft. But then I remembered just who and all I’d left back there and not only did I stop worrying about whether or not I’d hear them, I laughed a little when I thought about how some might just mistake the sound of them all yelling for the trump of God sounding! So I went on.
It wasn’t until I got right up close to the little shack that the pit of my stomach just seemed to ball up inside of my body. I had seen the place many times, but never until this moment had I seen it like I did that night. The clear moonlit night accentuated the emptiness in that little hull of a home. The wind blew through it almost whispering my name. I had never felt so completely alone.
As I stepped up on the porch, I slipped my shiny new dime into my mouth with my now shaky, sweaty palms and I happened to think for a second – that’s what makes money so dirty I bet.
I looked back towards my house at the bottom of the hill, and I could see our little light down there shining from the kitchen window. I had to hurry up and get this over with. Daddy is waiting for me and they are all anxious to get back to their show. So, I took one great big deep breath, and headed for the door.
Once inside, everything seemed to stop. The wind stopped, the sound stopped, everything around me just stood still. My heart was beating so fast, and a lump had formed in my throat so large and hard that I could not swallow.
I took one step farther. The floor squeaked beneath my feet with a sound that broke the silence so abruptly I nearly lost control of my own functions. I stopped immediately to gather myself enough to continue on my quest. Looking straight ahead at my next step, I took another deep breath and moved forward. But this time, the board didn’t squeak as the first one had and this gave me enough confidence to take another.
And then I heard it.
The board behind me squeaked. The board that I had already left completely!
Then I heard a step behind me. It was a heavy step. And as I continued to move forward it was a heavy step that was now matching each and every step that I was taking. There were no words, there were no other noises, there was nothing but the beating of my heart, and those heavy steps behind me!
I jumped for the ladder, trembling, and clenching to it as if it were my only lifeline, and I began to climb up as hard and fast as I could. At this point, I no longer heard the heavy footsteps behind me, but each step on that ladder as I drew nearer the ledge of the loft became harder and harder to make, as my knees were so weak and shaky.
I paused for a moment before pulling myself into the loft, and then…it touched me.
I felt it, cold, and sharp, through my hair and on my neck. I touched me…like an open hand with cold bony fingers. Then the weight of my waist length hair was lifted completely off my back, taken high above my head, and then dropped.
My heart stopped in that endless moment, and in that moment, I thought I had died.
I jumped from that ladder, and although it took every bit of strength that I could find inside myself to get my legs to work for me, I ran. I ran as hard and fast as I possibly could. What was in there? Was there someone hiding? Was it HER? Had Mommy been telling the truth about the ghost all along?
I could not answer these questions then, nor can I now…
All I know is that Daddy never asked any of us to go back up there anymore if our picture went out at night. If he realized something then, that I as a child could not, he never told a soul. I just know that from that point on, if the antenna blew around at night Daddy would tell us that it was God’s way of telling us it was time to go to bed, and I had no problem with that at all!
But I still can’t help but wonder sometimes…what was it that touched me?
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CMRobbins reviewed Version 3 -
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I really enjoyed reading this story :) It made my heart race and I kept wanted to read faster and faster to find out what happened. I got chills when whatever it was grabbed your leg. I know I would never go down there again! :) I’m sure your mother was thrilled to read this on her 50th birthday. Such a sweet give too! I wish I would’ve read this one on Halloween than a day after! Would’ve been perfect and still is! :)
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Nytefist7 reviewed Version 3 -
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Props to KY. This is great stuff. Half again as scary as what you’ll find in modern horror. Your character/mom is what sells this. I think nowadays, especially if you read alot of horror, that it takes this un-jaded POV to remind us what being scared is really all about. You take the time setting up the “supernatural” element. We care about the character, we quickly know who that character is. I’ve read full length novels that had less character development. THere may be some issues with sentence structure FOR non-southern folks who don’t understand that’s how we talk, so if you want to do authentic POV that’s how you write. And I LOVE RC, even though nobody adds the cola part anymore. Great work.
Saiber reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved this story, chilling! i saw two small problems, first this sentence “there weren’t a lot of people up there for us to social with either” seems to be missing a word, i think “and there weren’t a lot of people up there for us to be social with either.” would clear it up a little. and the second is “I laughed a little when I thought about how some might just mistake the sound of them all yelling for the trump of God sounding!” i think trumpet would sound better, unless you were going for a more rustic sound. mostly i loved this and if you haven’t already, I’d submit it for publication if i were you! good luck!
asht874 reviewed Version 3 -
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I absolutely loved this story! It is so well written.
I loved this line- “Mommy always told me that money didn’t belong in my mouth after all it was the dirtiest thing that ever was. So I stopped for a second to clean it off real good with the hem of my dress.” It really captures the character’s innocence.
There a a few grammatical errors throughout- for example, the sentence above the starts out “Mommy…” runs on and could use a revision.
I didn’t read the first version…but your second is very strong. Great job.
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a gorgeous story, and you get both the “voice” and the atmosphere right for me.
I thought you set the scene in rural Kentucky well, the small house and many children, and did so without any resort to clichés of poverty that many people who lived in such places never felt.
Building it to the coming of electricity and television evoked a nice sense of non-sentimental nostalgia.
The early description of the ghost house, _It was mostly a lonesome place, I guess you could say, and yet uninviting enough to keep me at a distance most times. _ was particularly fabulous.
The set-up for the story was good, and the scene on the ladder genuinely eerie in the way old-time ghost stories were.
This was really excellent work.
A few typos:
_social with either _ – “socialize”
_to tell you, really happened to me _ – no comma
_I touched me _ – “It touched”
_If he saw something, felt something, _ – This didn’t make sense to me, since you don’t mention the father going up there that night, or even greeting the girl at the door. If the father was still with the TV, what would he have seen?
Great story, very well told.
Silic0Ns0uL reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this story. It was developed very nicely and kept me curious all the way through. I think the story is strong enough to stand on its own, so I don’t think you really need those intro paragraphs in the beginning if all you’re doing is using it to give the reader that ‘storyteller’ effect. I also found your paragraph breaks in the middle a bit odd, but it didn’t take away from the suspense too much. Good read. Keep writing!
moonwarrior reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this story. It really makes you look back and think about what people did in the days before electricity when we only had our imaginations and our family to entertain us. I don’t really believe in ghosts, but this story was still interesting to me. good job!
ChopinBach reviewed Version 1 -
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The author has certainly attained the goal in my opinion. I was really entertained and I got a mental picture of the house and the loft. The characters came alive and it was a good science fiction. But my question is
how could it be a science fiction but based on a true story. Absolutely amazing.
Jessica42 reviewed Version 1 -
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When I read this I felt like someone was actually talking to me, telling me this story. I like how you talk about the TV becoming the focus of their lives and the cause of what made your mother go out to the shack in the first place. Not the scariest thing in the world, but it is true; can’t mess with that can you?
YOu might want to go through and edit it some, like in ‘of people up there to social with either’ social should be socialize.
Overall it is a cute story.
udontno reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this. It was good. Well written. I wonder what did touch her? Hmm… We shall never know. I like a story sometimes that keeps you thinking for a long time after you finish. I wish there was more to read. I wouldn’t change anything. Keep writing.
Great Job,
Amanda
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