Haiku/Senryu / That Bitch

5/7/5 with 2 contractions (generally not used in haiku)

nothing mystic or seasonal, nothing about society or personal revelation… I’d say this piece has a bit of a journey to reach haiku or senryu status.

L1 -“I don’t” you would have to change the wording, but this could be avoided.  ”I do not hate her” would work, but it seems like a waste of a whole line. “not hating deeply” would carry the same message and give you room to say more.

L2 -with my L1 you could take out all this filler mine=”despite her unjust cruelty” this is a stretch, because I’m just guess at why you would like to hate her.  insert your own content here.

L3 -another “don’t”... while you mention trees, There is no nature or deep revelation here.  would you despise her all the way if women did grow on trees?

great title. eye-catcher.

perfect 5/7/5 and also an excellent expression of “settling” or complacency.

“girls don’t…” is a great way to pump some new breath into an old expression. it fits nicely in this context.

i offer no criticism. super haiku.

well done.

Wow. This can definitely be interpreted multiple ways.  In reference to the cliche “money doesn’t grow on trees,” it would seem you are implying girls are difficult to find or to come by, but with seven billion people occupying this planet (a little under half being girls), it would seem girls might as well grow on trees!

Perhaps its a specific kind of girl ie: a girl that isn’t high maintenence.  But then its hard to tell if the narrator is male or female and if this is about a friend or a girlfriend.

I really like this, but I think the second line could be reworded to flow a bit smoother.  When you can replace it with something much less wordy like “as much as I’d like to,” it disrupts the flow.  Maybe something like “as much as I pretend to.”  But then that kind of changes the meaning.  Maybe even something as simple as “as much as I’d like to, but”

I don’t know, I’d just play around with the second line a bit and you’ll have yourself a very nice haiku.

Oh and the title is very aggresive! I like it! hah!

Not bad. You’ve got the nature reference, but I think you need to get the reader more into the “now” of the piece; I feel you need to throw an “-ing” word in there somewhere. You’ve got the 17 syllables, but don’t feel you have to be hidebound by the “5/7/5”. As long as the entire thing doesn’t go over 17, you should be alright.

A little reworking and this could be great.

Perfect rhythm and linebreaks. Truthful AND funny, I can relate to not hating that someone enough. No room for improvement. Straight to favorites.

A raw and emotional piece.  Wow.  It sounds like you’re saying that despite her apparent failings, you’re willing to deal with it out of fear of not finding someone else.  A very direct approach to your message where my choice would be to use richer more subtle language.  I do like the use of trees which is kind of a nod to seasonal haiku.

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September 12, 2008

by anonymous

Thanks for the review

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but what if they did grow on trees?

i know the feeling.

A brilliant haiku. The idea of the bitch that must be accepted to some extent is superb. Keep it up. A bright future awaits you if you haven’t already crossed its threshold.

clever