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Poetry / Forced Indulgence
Measured by degrees of guilt
compulsion without conscience
leads to convictions of innocents
where so many line the halls of injustice
forced indulgence from the oath of hypocrites
Outward remorse in a sensory deficient shell
unseen breathing, inhaling congested lies
into a self-imposed door less world
where no comfort can be taken
brings a brutal awakening
Overindulgent hibernation in medication
actions taken sent down from higher echelon
unrealistic fear equals confinement
intravenous feeding piped in air
lights that flash to an unheard rhythm
sounds magnified overlap softer tones
A foreign world of shadow puppets
floating by in timed sequence
jingling keys to freedom in another dimension
a language unfamiliar and spoken in hushed tones
brings a false peace
when measured by degrees of guilt
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Tisiphone reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel as if this poem is constantly trying to come to a conclusion. What I mean is each line seems like the beginning of a sentence…that never ends. Take the first stanza. Is it a complete sentence? complete thought? Or does it continue to the next stanza? I can’t tell. The lines are disconnected, even though they are about the same subject. Is each line’s subject an implied “Forced indulgence”?
This poem works on a purely abstract level. Below that (or above-matter of opinion), I can’t get a sense of anything concrete.
The sensory information in the poem is scarce; to me, it reflects the “sensory deficient shell” mentioned. I do like the imagery that is used. I get a feeling of a claustrophobic, paranoid control of some sort.
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brd9214 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good poem. From this poem, I get that you were angry while writing this. Although this poem is clear and powerful, Stanza 3 needs a little work. While the lines of stanzas 1,2, and 4 tie together, the lines of stanza 3 are disjointed and don’t flow together the way the lines from other stanzas do. This particular stanza is also vague compared to the other three. I apologize for not being able to give specific examples. I hope my review has helped.
andyhavens reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you’re trying too hard to cover too many topics in one short poem. My advice is to slow down, pick one topic, and explore it in depth. That doesn’t mean a long piece, necessarily, but a piece that has several (at least) “moments” that touch on your one theme. You’ve got a good rhythm and sense of meter here; it could be used in the service of something deeper.
Richwt81 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. It’s really good. It comes off with a nice contemporary spoken word poem. Better than most of the stuff I’ve seen on Def Poetry Jam.
letitdie153 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like it. I enjoyed this a great deal, but I think it could use some brushing up. It’s kind of foggy on the meaning. Or maybe I’m just not getting it. But keep working on it and it could be something to die for.
Pimp_This reviewed Version 1 -
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I readily admit I don’t always get poetry even as a writer. In high school while reviewing the classics I had cheat off the cute girl’s paper. As a writer I should have been embarrassed. Indeed I would have had it not been for the inspirations that hide under her sweater.
That being said, let me take a flying leap at this one. Drug addiction, prison, chemical overdose. Is that the sequencing?
This piece is great. The imagery spot on. The thought process sound for as far as I can see it. I give you high marks. Thank you for sharing. Good job! Keep writing.
serenitylace reviewed Version 1 -
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wonderfully written. I like the imagery. a minor thought is that you could add a bit of punctuation for emphasis. overall great job!! keep it up!!
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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How does the title fit the poem? what is the poem trying to tell the readers? This is not a bad piece but, I just do not get the meaning. Add more details and descriptions in the poem. Use the imagination and let the words flow out of you.
poetinmydreams reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like your writing style. However, I don’t quite understand what you’re getting at. I understand some points but then other points I’m just caught with a raised eyebrow. If your goal was to make people think you certainly achieved that. My advice is to just sit back and try to really think about what you want to say in your poetry and think of a better way to say it. Other than that, good job! Keep it up! Your writing style is perfect and pretty unique!
Huntress080 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this it reminded me of Homer not the Simpson character but the greek playwrite or another greek playwrite. I really hope that you continue to write such great poetry now and the future.
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