Poetry / Ergot Outbreaks

Interesting, ergot is a fungus that attacks cereal grasses and the main component of LSD, so I assume this poem is about an acid trip the narrator has experienced. Some of works well, and it flow nicely, but too much is told without being shown. For instance ‘these dreams’ that are mentioned, how much better if we were included in on the dreams, to see and feel what the narrator experienced. In S1, I’m not sure what ‘put on a spindle…’ refers to, it’s an incomplete thought, who or what is put on the spindle, if the narrator turns into a phonograph? In S2, again an awkwardness why ‘this’ laboratory’ and not ‘a laboratory?’ We haven’t been given any info on this lab. Searching for what? Possibly take out the and and use a comma and it might make more sense. The next three stanzas work pretty well and I find S5 rather amusing. In the last line it should read, ‘sights abound,’ the ‘are’ in unnecessary in incorrect.

Funny, are the walls breathing? and the words turning inside out? Twisted at the end.Like it very much.

I noticed some parts that could benefit from tightening up, so I will mention them:

1st stanza: you repeat that you don’t have control, I believe it would be stronget if you only mentioned it once

3rd stanza: “an intelligence” – you could lose ‘an’ – that would also improve the rhythm

4th stanza: just a suggestion of alternating the words (for a stronger emphasis in my opinion):
“as the tone
of my best friend’s voice.” – BTW I like this comparision, very cleverly written

5th stanza: “on the underground;” – lose ‘on the’, on and under.. don’t seem to work here

Overall it seems very interesting, but perhaps a bit too vague. I understand the hallucinations from ergots and you being in the secret service, but the connection between those two escapes me. I can assume you are being a test rat, but to what purpose?
A bit more direction for the reader would  greatly improve this piece.

I love the opening imagery, but it’s lost and you’re suddenly in a laboratory. I wish you would continue the first. I don’t understand why you break up the lines how you do, but I suppose that may not be of too much importance. Or it could be quite important.

Should “Agency gathered intelligence” be “Agency-gathered intelligence”?

Overall this is good but doesn’t pop out at me or make me want to contemplate anything, which isn’t necessarily necessary in poetry, but I like to be challenged, not by confusing cryptic messages, but concept or ideas. Anyway, good job.

I’ve got a clever title:  Cogito ergot sum (Cogito Ergo sum of Descartes—I think therefore I am).

First stanza:  Never end any line with an “a.” Looks awkward and eyes are drawn to last words…

I guess phonograph is ok though archaic; fits in better with the 60s ergot culture

Perhaps a little wilder due to the subject matter: ” sounds unfurl from the disc a genius places, sonic threads unraveling the tie-dyed mind.”

Second Stanza: could you make it a “musical Laboratory” so as not to get away from the stage thats been set?  Maybe “notes are the test tubes?”

Third stanza is a bit murky—enemies can have many different capabilities; the last sentence is too long for good flow.

Stanza 4: make the first line punchier—”trying to decode the dirty methods of a superior intelligence” remember this is flash/recognition stuff and the language should reflect the efficiency of the intuitive level…

Not sure you need the %th stanza at all; but it is interesting especially the flowers and the “brain breathing”

I like the quietness of the ending; all the more reason to be as wild as possible with the rest of the peom

Interesting start

It starts out a little slow but as I continued reading I really enjoyed it. I might work on the opening line a bit, it’s a little generic…other than that, good work!

Easy to read & the images are clear & relevant. My feeling is if you leave it on the shelf for a while you may be able to renovate it & make it work even more smoothly. The song that’s played, the music you are dancing with, little ballerina isn’t mentioned. Maybe you could allude to that in word play so that it is buried there for the listener is able to pick it up aurally. I get an image of His Master’s Voice with the dog sitting beside the funnel, a famous old poster that was around many years ago. My father had a windup player like that & the needle scratching on the surfaces of the old discs almost overwhelmed the sound of the music. At the end you say ‘press play once again and I will expand.’ What are you going to expand into.. inflate like a balloon & float away. Expand & become obese as so many comfort eaters do. Expand your imagination & think new exciting thoughts, feel wonderful feelings, become enlightened & compassionate.

This piece contains some very cool language. The first and the last two stanzas stand out to me. They flow well, and sound good. (I would suggest taking “whole” out of the 6th stanza though. It feels common.)

The theme is interesting as well, but I am struggling a bit with the connection between ergot fungus and the content. I can (can somewhat) make the leap, but the piece seems to suggest phases or periods of certain behavior, rather than an outbreak. It might be that I’m missing something, or it might be that there needs to be a line or two to bring it all together.

In all, the struggle may be caused by the fact that I’m not sure what is being described: a mood, a drug-related experience (poppies seems a reference, but it isn’t clear)?, etc…

Cool piece. Stay with it.

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July 24, 2007

by pixistardust

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It is a drug reference, as this was originally written during an experience I had with LSD. I tried to hint at it without making it obvious. Thanks for the review

July 24, 2007

by horse

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40	M	Plano, TX	November 03

Yeah, I felt it after I went back and read it a few more times. It does work well in that capacity, with that in mind. It’s up to you whether you want to toss out a reference a bit earlier to pull the rest of it into perspective.

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I think you have an interesting metaphor started, with the mind being like a record player.  However, I’m not quite sure what you are expressing through the image. What are the records specifically?  Are they ideas, for example?

Also, in the second stanza, I might suggest a different image than a lab. It mixes the metaphors.