lol thank you no one has mentioned about the last line and thats where i was trying to get lol… thanks
Poetry / No title (Yet)
Tears cannot cover up a broken heart
Nor can they shield your soul
Tears come with pain
And pain from another human
With pain comes great strength
Yet strength cannot protect one from hurting
Only ones heart can tell one when to stop
Yet hearts can be deceiving
A glimpse can start ones heart pumping
As so can a touch
When in love, one must be careful
Because with pain comes tears….
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Sup reviewed Version 1 -
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I thnk the poem would mean a lot more if you wrote it in first person. It’s beautiful though and conveys a lot of emotion. You definatley reach your goal of touching people.
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Cinderella reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem. Mostly, because I know where your coming from. I too have felt the pain of a broken heart. I was trying to think of a good title for this poem. I couldn’t think of one. Sorry! Good luck on creating one. My advice is add details into the poem.
DannyK reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem, its simple and is easy to understand. The word heart was used a little to often but with that said, you admit that it was written during your tears fallin, so emotions are high and all that you can think about is the feeling of a broken heart. At least thats what I get from this work.
I like how “Tears” is the first word and last, the poem sort of ends where it started. I like that.
It does sort of fit the poem/prose style of writing, its very “matter of fact”. Almost like each line is stateing a fact rather then telling a story.
It needs work, not lots, it just needs refining somewhat. I reckon once you get more deeper and more poetic you could come up with something really powerfull.
Keep up the good work.
DK x
NyxLoVe reviewed Version 1 -
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I completely understand the writing while crying thing, i’ve done so myself. Sometimes it seems like there’s just to much emotion, and you feel the need to express it through words, to help relieve some of the pressure. This piece seems to express that in a way. Dont be afraid to cry, crying is a release, it helps us to keep going through the pain. Good work :)
davisb reviewed Version 1 -
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Have you thought about setting the whole poem in second person? Because there’s a shift between when you’re writing to “you” and when you’re writing about “one,” and I think the “you” parts are more personal and visceral. On the other hand, if you set the whole poem in the “one” voice, it’s more of an arm’s length study of pain and love, which is a very interesting, different take on the topic.
TERESA reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the ending goes back to how the poem began. I also enjoyed the line “A glimpse can start ones heart pumping”. I know I have felt that before and I think a lot of others have too.
Osiris reviewed Version 1 -
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I would add some punctuation, that stuck out to me right at the beginning of the piece. Since you don’t have it, you kind of have to stop and really read through to notice where a new thought begins. Some people don’t like to use punctuation, and that I understand, I just think that this could really use it. I also wouldn’t have used “one” it sounds too wordy. If you are pouring emotion into something, it doesn’t neccesarily have to sound like the most intelligently worded piece. Also, when you say “As so can a touch”, the “so” is not needed there. It makes so much more sense if you do. And at the end, you just spoke of love, which is the cause of the pain, yet you jump straight to the pain. You need to mention love. I would even change “pain” to “love”. Even with those critiques afore mentioned, it is still a very emotional and heart-wrenching work! Good job!
TexasMomma reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a touching piece and you have done a wonderful job writing it. The words here are so true, I know I can very much realate to this poem. keep up the good work, you are doing really well.
ForeverTogether reviewed Version 1 -
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I agree that tears come with pain, and that while in love, you must be careful, but I also think that even when you’re not in love you must be careful. I admire how you put something that is not so easily said into print. I look forward to seeing more from you. You have a pure talent. Best wishes in being published.
~FoeverTogether
tbutterfly18 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this piece a lot. I think the best poetry is the best poetry if you can relate to it. I truly did. Tears can’t cover a lot of things no matter how much you cry. Unfortunately sometimes the hurt can not simply be washed away. Your poem spoke volumes to this reader in such few verses. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for reminding me that tears can not hide a few things in life.
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