Sci Fi & Fantasy / Alice in Wonderland, chapter 1 (sci fi)

Outside the dome, the sky was vivid blue against the red-orange soil, two stripes of color that mixed on contact, where the dust was blown up into the sky. Alice stared up into the endless, brilliant blue, mesmerized. The wind ripped her laughter from her lips. She opened her arms to it, letting it pelt her with the dust.
“Alice!”
The faraway voice just barely penetrated the sound of rushing wind that filled her ears.
“Alice Feesam!”
She closed her eyes against the bright sky, took a deep gulp of the air, and turned around. Her father, standing as close to the dome as possible, glared at her through his breath mask.
Alice took her sweet time walking back to him. With the wind now at her back, her dress ballooned out in front of her. She pushed it down, laughing. Finally, she was close enough for him to lunge forward and grab her arm.
“Inside! Now!” he barked, and fled into the dome.

The door hissed as it sealed behind them. Alice’s father, still holding her arm, shoved her against the wall. She didn’t meet his eyes.
“What were you thinking? If I have told you once, I’ve told you a million times, you do not leave the dome without your mask!”
“It’s only oxygen, Daddy,” she told him.
“It’s only a whole lot of oxygen! I mean, look at you, giggling like an idiot. You’ll be useless for half an hour. Thanks to you, we aren’t going to open on time tonight. What the hell were you doing out there, anyway?”
Alice giggled, and showed him her hands, bright orange with dust.
“I was getting a tan,” she said.
He looked at her skin and clothes, all coated, and let go of her arm in disgust. He checked his own hand, horrified to see that it, too, was stained.
“You are a complete disaster!” Careful not to get his hands any dirtier, he pulled her off he wall, and shoved her in the general direction of their house. “Clean up, sober up, and get to work in the next fifteen minutes. Just go. I’ll deal with you later.”

Twenty minutes later, clean, calm, and in a fresh dress, Alice let herself in the back door of Sam’s Restaurant, her parents’ business.
The kitchen was in chaos. Dirty dishes and pans were piled everywhere. A short woman in a stained uniform snapped instructions at two young girls. One was failing miserably on the cutting board, ruining ingredients and nicking her fingers. The other had set a soup on fire.
Alice slipped into the kitchen and extinguished the soup.
“Should I get rid of this, Mama?” she asked.
“Finally, she arrives!” the woman declared. “Just skim the top off and leave the rest. Then get yourself on that cutting board.” Her mother turned to the two girls. “It’s under control now, no thanks to you. Go back to your dishes. I’ll get the pastries started.”
Alice carried the huge soup pot to the sink, skimmed the top down the drain as she was told, and sampled what was left. It was awful. She lingered. The two girls paused in their dishwashing to watch her. Alice held a finger to her lips, and they nodded, returning to work twice as loudly as before. Alice poured the entire pot down the drain.
“How many do we have today?” Alice asked as a distraction, as she refilled the pot as quickly as she could.
“All the usuals,” the short woman replied, working away. “Plus about six of the occasionals. And a new girl. She made a reservation.”
“That’s odd. Is she from the oxy industry?”
“No, something else.”
Alice replaced the pot on the stove, and dashed to the cutting board. For a minute, the room was filled with nothing but the sounds of knives and water and her mother’s heavy rolling pin.
“I’ve got the veggies for you, Mama,” Alice said, sliding them into a bowl. “How do you know she’s not oxy?”
“Get the cheese, too, Alice. She’s not dressed right for oxy. Too pretty. And she’s alone.”

Inside the restaurant, Elliott Serona had made herself comfortable in a corner booth, amusing herself with her handheld computer.
“Here you are, mum!” the waitress, Michelle, chirped from right next to Elliott’s shoulder, startling her. She set a little vegetable pie in front of the woman, refilled her glass, and went on her way.
Elliott put away her handheld and dug in.

“She was looking at charts,” Michelle informed Alice, picking up the next plates.
“Hold on, those aren’t quite done yet.” Alice fiddled with the garnishes to stall her. “What sort of chart? What was on it?”
“I think prices. And places and times.”
“Were we on there? With the places?”
“Yeah, at least half of them.”
“Alice, quit fooling around and deal with these desserts!” her mother bellowed.
“All right, go,” said Alice, and Michelle did. “Maybe she’s looking at courier jobs,” Alice suggested, to no one in particular.

Michelle cleared away Elliott’s empty plates, replacing them with the main course.
“Excellent, thank you,” said Elliott. The waitress turned to go. “I beg your pardon,” Elliott continued, “but I wonder if you have any saffron? I know it’s a long shot, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to ask.”
“I’ll check with the kitchen.”

“Hey! We got any saffron?” Michelle shouted at the kitchen in general, already loading her arms with the next dishes to go out.
“Why?” called Alice’s mother, slamming down more dough onto the counter.
“The fancy girl wants some.”
“I have a little,” said Alice. She glanced over the four pans on the stove, determined that none of them would be in danger if she left for a few seconds, and hopped on a step stool to pull a little jar out of a top cupboard.
Her mother snatched it from her, and tossed it at Michelle; Alice cried out, but miraculously, Michelle caught it. She left, and Alice’s mother turned on her.
“Got your own stash of spices, do you?” she asked. Alice couldn’t help staring at the gigantic rolling pin that her mother still held.
“Just a few,” Alice squeaked. “Just in case.”
The other waitress burst in with new orders, and Alice gave a sigh of relief as her mother turned back to work.
“Your father can deal with you later,” her mother said. Alice was less relieved.

Michelle presented the saffron to Elliott with a grin.
“Brilliant! Thank you so much. I’m amazed you had it. But then, this has been an amazing meal.” Elliott added it to her dish as Michelle basked in her praise. “I say, might I chat a bit with your chef afterwards? My own cook could use a few tips.”
Michelle frowned.
“I’ll check, ma’am.”

Alice had been banished back to the cutting board, the most boring and least rewarding part of cooking, where she muttered to herself about saffron.
“Where does it grow? I know I was reading about it just the other day…wherever it’s from, that has to be where she’s from…”
“Oi!” Michelle burst back into the kitchen. “The lady wants to talk with ‘the chef’ after dinner!”
“Why?” asked Alice’s mother.
“I think she wants the recipes,” she answered, taking the plates and heading out again.
“Ask if she’s from Jetra!” Alice called after her.
“Hmph,” said Alice’s mother, turning back to her work. All of the recipes were originally Alice’s. “Hmph!” she said again.
“You’re much too busy, Mama—” Alice began.
“I certainly am!” her mother interrupted. “Who does she think she is, anyway? Just marching right in, making demands…”
“Mama, since you’re too busy, why don’t you send me? Surely she doesn’t need you, I can manage.”
“You certainly can, girl. Yes, you sort this woman out when we’re all done, and then go straight to your father. We can handle clean-up tonight.”

“You can talk to Alice when we’re closing,” Michelle declared, refilling Elliott’s glass. “Which reminds me, Alice wanted me to ask if you were from Jetra, ma’am.”
“I am, in fact, and I wonder how she knew.”
“Oh, she always does that. Her mama’s the head cook, but Alice is the only one with any brains,” she confided, “but you didn’t hear it from me!”
“Thank you, I have no idea where I got such an idea,” said Elliott, giving the girl a wink. “I would be glad to talk to Alice. May I wait here until you close? I promise to tip you very well.”
“It’s no problem, ma’am. I’ll let Alice know.”

Elliott did indeed stay all the way through to closing time, ordering little snacks and caffeinated drinks, poking away at her handheld to pass the time. Alice’s mother became increasingly furious the longer she stayed, until Alice half-feared she wouldn’t wait until they were home before the beatings began.
Finally, it was time for clean-up, and Alice was released.

Alice, bearing two glasses of juice, approached Elliott’s table.
“Hello, my dear!” said Elliott, rising to extend a hand. “You must be Alice.”
Alice shook her hand gently.
“Hello. Yes, I am. And you are—?”
“Elliott Serona.”
“I am pleased to make your acquaintance.” Alice gave Elliott one of the glasses, and they both sat. Alice sipped her drink.
“Likewise. Now, I understand you are the only speck of talent on this planet?”
“I beg your pardon?” Alice’s glass made a loud thud as she put it back on the table.
“Sorry, sorry, that wasn’t kind,” said Elliott, waving her hand as if she could wave away the last few seconds. “I understand you came up with all the delicious things I’ve eaten today?”
“I didn’t prepare them all, ma’am, but they are my recipes,” Alice answered, then began her own interrogation. Politely, of course. “Are you a chef?”
“No, no, just interested in hiring one. Any chance you’re interested in being hired?”
Inwardly, Alice sighed; she could never leave this little moon. It was really too bad. Still, this woman looked interesting. Alice reclaimed control of the conversation.
“What sort of work do you do?” she asked.
“I own a ship, do my best to make money with it.”
“Oxy?”
“What?”
“Do you buy and sell oxygen?”
“No, no, we’re sort of freelance merchants. Oxygen takes special containers, it’s corrosive, and you’re best dealing in bulk. Why…? Oh, yes, that’s your major export here. I’ve never been here before, you see.”
Alice smiled to herself; Elliott was telling her a lot more than she was telling Elliott. She was enjoying the conversation—getting people to talk was one of her favorite pastimes.
“So what sorts of things do you deal in?” she asked.
“Whatever’s a good deal. Vera does a lot of medicines, I mostly like produce—”
“Are you an expert in fruits?” Alice cut in. If so, then this conversation could be more than just a bit of fun.
“A bit, I suppose. Why?”
“I want to show you something,” she said, and stood.

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SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

May 26, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I think the world building was fine. We get a good idea of what the world is like without an information dump. I assume you continued to add details of the world through out other chapters.

There was a lot of dialogue, but it wasn’t noticeable because you did a great job of disbursing action though out. I don’t know what your other chapters are like, but I caution against making them all with this much dialogue. There is plenty of action to keep a good pace and the chapter flows right along.

One question I had through the chapter was how old Alice is. Sometimes it seems as if she’s a little girl and sometimes it seems she is much older. It wouldn’t hurt to give us a little more of clue as to her age.

djellibeybi avatar General Stranger

February 13, 2008

djellibeybi

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djellibeybi reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

It’s a great start to a story. I’m hooked, especially by your characters (Alice esp). I’m already starting to draw comparisons with the real Alice in Wonderland. Which reminds me, will you be allowed to use that title?

Maybe add a little more hint and description of Alice’s surroundings. I didn’t get that she was on a moon or a different planet till the last part.

Weaver avatar General Stranger

August 31, 2007

Weaver

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Weaver reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This piece is dialogue-heavy, but it’s good dialogue.  All you need to do is fill in the spaces around it—tell more about the environment (what does the inside of the restraunt look like, for example), the characters, etc.

Just a commnet, which I wouldn’t have thought of if I hadn’t just finished re-reading some of Elizabeth Moon’s novels last week… The name Serona is a lot like Serrano, and this bit about Elliot having her own ship that she uses for freelance stuff… I’m not saying that you’ve lifted anything from Ms. Moon’s novels about Heris Serrano (I’m sure you haven’t, and that if I could see more of your story I wouldn’t think there was a real similarity at all), but you should be aware that some people are likely to see a resemblance.

Are you aware that right now (on this planet, anyway) saffron is by far the most expensive spice?  I’m sort of curious if that’s different by the time of your story—maybe they’ve found a better way to harvest it, or genetically engineered a version of the plant that produces more, or something.

I did get a fairly good image of the planet, given how little description you included… It has a high-oxygen atmosphere (good attention to detail with Alice getting ‘drunk’ on it), and the iron in the soil is rusted as a result.  The atmospheric pressure, however, seems to be at or near Earth-normal.  The planet seems pretty useless to humans except for extracting the excess oxygen to sell to people offplanet.

I look forward to reading more of this story to see where it goes…

bravis avatar General Stranger

August 29, 2007

bravis Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
bravis reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

A few things niggled at the start…

Not sure about the oxygen euphoria.  Pure oxygen at normal pressures can be toxic and when not it is only mildly euphoric, although it can boost aerobic activity temporarily.  Oxygen mixed with nitrous oxide however is much more fun…

At the start she takes a deep breath but not a mouthful of dust?

Not sure about the father slamming her against a wall.  It seems overly agressive.

This is an interesting set up.  In my minds eye I have a quiet planet in my head with a small population based entirely on oxygen export, and towns not unlike Tattooine or the settlements on Mars in Total Recall?

As far as the writing goes, yes I think this is too dialogue heavy.  You also cut constantly between different rooms as Michelle serves Eliott whilst Alice stays in the kitchen.  This might work in a film, but it is very distracting to read.  You need to stick with one scene.  I’d suggest sticking with the kitchen and Alice, and have Michelle reporting back to her without necessarily seeing what happens as she talks to Eliott.  Having said this, I think the whole scene could lose a lot of its dialogue since it drags a little.  There’s enough information here to convert this into a scene on TV, but it’s too much for a novel.  Cut the amount of dialogue by about a third, and put in some more descriptive information and internal monologing and thoughts from Alice.  It’s more important for us to learn more about her than it is for us to see and hear absolutely everything that happens in the kitchen.

dwkeys avatar General Stranger

August 15, 2007

dwkeys

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
dwkeys reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Your dialogue is done very well, and you do a decent job of describing the scenes, although I would like to see just a bit more description of the restaurant and kitchen.
One thing that seems to be lacking are descriptions of the people.  I would expecially like to see more description of Elliott and Alice, as they seem to be the two primary characters here.
Also, it wouldn’t hurt to sprinkle in a few details about Alice’s homelife and the cause for her parents’ attitudes toward her to answer a few questions that your readers are bound to ask themselves.
One other suggestion would be to show certain things instead of telling them.  Now, I’m not the best at this, but here’s one example when she tries the soup…
sampled what was left. It was awful.  ”It was awful” is telling.  A possibility… sampled what was left.  Making a sour face as she tasted it, she quietly spit it into the sink.  Still telling to an extent, but now we know the soup is terrible without actually saying it, and have added some action as well.
I think you have an interesting beginning, just try to get past the screenplay habit and experience your story instead of just telling it.  See, hear, smell, feel everything, and then use your writing skills to pass these sensations on to your readers.  Keep at it.  I’d like to see what happens next.

annana avatar General Stranger

August 14, 2007

annana

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annana reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

The dialogue is very well done, and the piece itself works. No trouble with the mechanics of writing. You’re right, though, the writing lacks depth. You need to fill in more of the gaps with fiction than with script-work. You need to do the work the actors do, as well as provide the lines.

Overall, Alice is interesting, obviously a lively and intelligent sort. I do have some problems accepting that she is in a situation as abusive as you seem to imply. Most young people who are brow-beaten or physically abused don’t have the sort of lightness and enjoyment of life and their work that you portray, so there is a sense of falsity.

You really need to define the relationship Alice has with her parents in greater depth. You also need to make Alice’s age clear. Initially, I though she might be ten or eleven, or even younger. Then it seemed she was a young woman, at least eighteen. At that age, I don’t know if that confrontation with her father would have the same nuance and interaction. If she’s younger, I find it implausible that she’s so talented and smart.

In particular, I find the relationship you create with her mother contradictory, since Alice is the person who develops the menus, and obviously has a love of food. This generally indicates a measure of freedom in cooking, and a sense of entitlement in using food. Yet her mother is portrayed as totally domineering. If Alice is the source of the restaurant’s success, surely her mother would have her in charge, even if she was abusive, using her talents, riding the books and taking all the profits. Instead she treats her like a scullion. Alice also displays very few signs of repression, physically or emotionally/intellectually.

Detail:
_Outside the dome, the sky was vivid blue against the red-orange soil, two stripes of color that mixed on contact, where the dust was blown up into the sky. _ – First, I don’t see either the sky or the earth as a stripe, so it interferes with visualisation, unless you make her look through a slit, either a window or a mask. Rather than do such a raw contrast “blue against the red-orange” you may want to do something like “the red-orange of the local soil made the blue seem so intense…”

_Alice stared up into the endless, brilliant blue, mesmerized. _ – “endless” contradicts the sense of “stripes of colour”.

_The wind ripped her laughter from her lips. She opened her arms to it, letting it pelt her with the dust. _ – This is nice, powerful imagery where the wind rips away sound, but maybe too strong in isolation. Reinforce it with something about dust hitting like needles, or her clothes whipping around her.

_Alice held a finger to her lips, and they nodded, returning to work twice as loudly as before. Alice poured the entire pot down the drain. _ – Good use of gesture. You do Alice well. Don’t ignore the extras entirely. Do they watch warily, sullenly, with relief, or with a sparkle in their eye?

_    Inside the restaurant, Elliott Serona had made herself comfortable in a corner booth, amusing herself with her handheld computer. _  
_    “Here you are, mum!” the waitress, Michelle, chirped from right next to Elliott’s shoulder, startling her. She set a little vegetable pie in front of the woman, refilled her glass, and went on her way. _  
    Elliott put away her handheld and dug in.

    This segment was a major opportunity to reveal something of the character of Elliot. In script-writing, you depend on the actors to add depth, through the language of gesture, tone, expression, timing. In theatre, we say there is the text, but also the pretext and the subtext. Writing prose, you need to supply these somehow, mainly by writing of the sorts of things actors would do.
    “Amusing herself with a handheld…” is basically not a lot of information. How does she amuse herself. Idly? Intently? Is she a short, stubby geek,  who lives for games, or a willowy high-fashion victim displaying her latest accessory? Or is she neat, severe, dressed in dark colours, using the machine with an economy of movement, being certain to keep it angled so that only she can read it’s face. It’s stuff actors would do with costume, movement, and voice. Do it with words. You can create an entire character, with a lot of presumed (but unspoken) background with a few lines. Provoke images and associations and the reader will fill in gaps.

The scene between Alice and her mother over the saffron was dramatic, but very sparse. I really wanted a little more in the way of description, so I could have a better guess at their relationship. It’s obviously abusive, Alice is clearly better than anyone else in the kitchen, but beyond that, I would like clues as to why her mother has this attitude, since from a business standpoint, Alice seems like an asset.

Incidentally, indents on WP don’t show up on Urbis. You need to hit the spacebar three or four times to create them.

Very good work.

davet avatar General Stranger

July 20, 2007

davet

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davet reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

You ask about worldbuilding and how clear the planet comes across. Initially I had it pegged simply as “Mars” – Dome – Red earth… Then the Oxygen thing threw me – In the end I think I’m happy that we’re on a little moon which seems to have an over rich supply of oxygen… though the scientific bit of my mind says – OK how can this be possible? Gravity seems not a problem either – so how small is this small moon? I guess I will need some satisfctory solutions at some stage, but for now disbelief is suspended.

That suspension is helped by me getting interested in the characters, which you do well. The relationship of Alice to her parents, why can’t she leave? And the undertone that the family is involved in something other than what appears on the surface… but what and how legal? Again, you will need to start providing clues(though not necessarily answers) fairly soon.

I don’t think there is too much dialogue – but what there is is a bit stilted, slightly unnatural, and with little difference between the characters.

Most of the action takes place in a kitchen / restaurant; OK I know what these places look like in general, but some incidentals involving sound, smell, description of place, heat, steam, flavour etc would help tie the reader into the place.

The biggest thing about the whole work is that it does involve a lot of telling; and showing is better. You could perhaps keep in Alice’s Point of View, and describe things from inside her head – her sensations and thoughts, rather than simply give us the screenplay.

But, all-in-all, an interesting piece of writing.

NukeDukem avatar General Stranger

July 19, 2007

NukeDukem

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
NukeDukem reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Are they on Mars?
“breath mask”? Don’t you mean breathing mask?
“Sam’s Restaurant” Too generic and unimaginative.
You could do with more technology used, (tractor beams around the kitchen?)
The ending is a good way to keep the reader interested. I liked the portrail of the parents.

This is a pretty good read, better than most of the crap that’s on Urbis and is likely something that would stand out on the shelves in the bookstores.

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eloriane

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