Poetry / Emo Me.
Falling down clutching my chest, mind reeling but all I feel is numb.
I cant feel the pain that is overtaking my body and once again I pull this shiny object across my wrist. Momentary satisfaction as I savor the feeling of being alive. You did this to me you know, you all did this too me. Made me cry each night. Not able to sleep because I was falling deeper into my mind.
Locked away into the shadows of my heart. Hiding amongst the chains skattered here and there, brushing away cobwebs as it finally sets in, as it finally makes sense. You let me kill myself each moment and didn’t notice. Each painful word we said as we shouted back and forth. Each time we fought you went away and had someone to hold you and comfort you and I was left all alone.
Curled up in a corner somewhere crying tears no one would see and crying out screams no one would hear. The darkness envelops me and I lose myself, forgetting this thing called ‘Happy’ as I turn cold. Shoving everything away I take small breaths of air, taking my sweet time to savor and waste your oxygen.
Hidden beneath this trench coat is my frail slowly becoming malnurished body. Every step I take, I use up a lot of energy. These bags under my eyes aren’t from random spurts of lack of sleep, its from no sleep period. My hair isn’t dull from the lack of washing, its because I don’t have any life left in me.
Slowly each day to my death becomes a prayer of mine. How can I keep living this way? But to take my life I refuse to do as I live this screwed up life, am I really doing this for you?
Now I lay here in my bed, with death I belive I have a date, lets just say its fate. That I die at the age of 17 in my bedroom, taking my last pained breath and slip into a peaceful bliss. When you’re at my funeral be sure to realize, I died peacefully because I knew it was over, and that I was finally escaping you, and not because I was going to a better place.
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I think that this is fairly successful in two of your goals – it seems that since being emo is synonymous with being trendy, you with both be understood and admired, and even possibly inspire others to write similar works.
But what are we accomplishing here? By writing something that’s a) predictable; b)full of cliche (even if it’s emo/gothic/my-soul-is-a-dark-pit-of-darkness cliche); and c)overwritten – what do we achieve? That’s the question you need to ask yourself.
I have read a million other prosey-poems that say the same thing. You have a fairly great grasp of grammar and mechanics for a
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You’re right, it is good. But, there are problems:
1. If it’s intended to be a poem, it needs to be in the right format. You need verses and stanzas. And you’re right, it doesn’t have to rhyme, but it does have to have structure.
2. Spell-check and proper grammer is crucial. Things need apostrophes.
3. Somehow this “line”: “every step I take, I use up a lot of energy”, sounds clumsy. Try “every step I take is energy lost” or something that flows more easily on ones tongue.
4. I don’t know what an “emo mood” is…? Your piece is very universal, so the title should also be universally understood.
Other than all that, I really do like it. You have great potential.
I have never felt more understood or read or opened in my life. That was, and still is me.
I loved it, but I have to say that some of your vocabulary is much better than the rest of your vocabulary and it sounded like you were trying to sound more literate than you are. I’m not calling you illiterate, but it sounded like you were trying for bigger words and they didn’t flow too well.
I still LOVED it and I’m going to read the rest of your entries now. Thanks for posting this, I almost feel like something was lifted off my shoulders, just knowing someone understands the chaotic way I live, the way I think, the way I live. Amazing <3
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