Poetry / Against Time

You should really work on your enjambments, line breaks, and aesthetic values here.  There are some really superficial things here that make your poem seem out of sync (that really crazy-awkward long long line there 2/3 of the way down the page, for instance).  There are also archaic language problems that cut way down on accessibility for no reason whatsoever.  (Who says “thee”anymore?)

Clean up instances of redundancy – “I don’t know” and “not since” are two examples from the first 5 lines.  

This line really bothers me:  ”Paid my time for my crime”- it’s so trite – rhyming “crime” with “time”- not very original.

The themes here are fine – there are things we all write about.  But you need to consider writing about them in new ways, otherwise, you’re just recycling what other people have already said, and at some point, we are all just sitting around, rewriting the same poems over and over again.  

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July 23, 2007

by MrShyRockstar

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	87.5% (8 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	F	Temple, TX	May 04

Um to say ‘Thank you’ Would be out of the question
though I do thank you for the advice.. but I dont
understand half of what you are talking about. You,
I belive, are alot older than me and using really big
words like ‘enjambments’ and ‘aesthetic’ words confused
me. I really want to understand what you are talking
about so I can fix my work, but yeah.. I also understand
where you are coming from on other things, er mostly,
I guess. I’ll try to fix some of the mistakes but I cant
fix it all if I dont understand, can you reword some
of this review and explain to me what I should fix? Please?
I’d appreciate that V_V Thanks.

October 18, 2007

by cindykelly

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32	F	Amsterdam, OH	July 06

enjambments are how your line breaks flow to the next line – some simple advice to start with is to get rid of any prepositions at the ends of lines.  Give it some variety – end stop, or punctuate some of the lines.  Let each line be a moment, and make some of them force the reader to the next with language.  I’ll be back.

December 16, 2007

by MrShyRockstar

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18	F	Temple, TX	May 04

Mkay. Thank you! I understand now, yay! Okay I’ll keep writing and practicing.

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When I read this I feel claustrophobic…but in a good way. It’s dramtic and the short, choppy dialogue works perfect for this poem. And I love when poems have questions in them. You have great word choice and imagery. It’s also easy to relate to. The ending is ausome. I’ve always been bad at ending long poems so I usually just add an extra line to the end that somewhat brings a conclusion once I have run out of things to say on the chosen subject, but you really know how to bring about a good, creative, and decisive conclusion to your poems.

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July 19, 2007

by MrShyRockstar

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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18	F	Temple, TX	May 04

-Squeal- Thank you! How does it make you feel
claustrophobic? Sorry I dont comprehnd (hehe)
When I write poems I normally write them the way
I’m thinking and it all just flows well into a
poem like style -Shrug-. But when I wrote this I
felt like I was talking to the person I wrote it to..
And then the questions just came to me. Its ok that
you dont know how to end them, in due time the more
you practice the better you will get at that.. I was
just born with the ability to write well and to end
them because both my mom and dad could be poets, along
with story writers. Thanks for all your kind words
about the poem, I was unsure about it at first but
thanks for the encouraging words!

<3

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This was very lovely and well expressed. You have alot of emotions that flow in your writing. Keep up the good work. You might want a dictionary to know how to spell some of your words. Try this website: http://dict.die.net/  

Or you can always use the spell check on your computer- unless it sucks!

nice job kid! You’re a future star writer!! :)