Poetry / falling

I liked this.  I like your second line, I think however, that you should expand this selection to maybe have more impact…weather personal, or cryptic (more like emily dickenson) I think you should make this longer.

hmm i was looking for a way to help you out…
i think on the second line if you are unhappy with it take out upside down
maybe move it to the end
or even the beginning.
that would work well
and emily dickinson is a wonderful writer i admirer her as well ;)

tornwings

up side down is upside-down.

tangled upsided down limbs?

still don’t like staircase.

Very humorous. It works very well.

i really like this. for your writing technique is extremely different than most. it gives it pa- zazz. but also it is quite humerous. for you have taken something that is ironic and turned it into a wonderful piece of art. i truely like it. best of luck.

I think the second line works. In itself, its an eye brow-raiser. I thought the verse overall was very amusing. I don’t think I personally write with Emily Dickinson’s style, though maybe I do. I do, however, enjoy occasionally reading her poetry.

I like it, and in my humble & not overly educated opinion, it does work. :-)
...downside up…maybe?  just a thought…

Amusing, it put a smile on my face.
It sure works for me. Very nice.

This sounds like it should continue. I like the idea of writing in the style of emily dickinson, but perhaps you should try to find your own style as well. The and at the beginning seems a bit awkward to me. And at the end perhaps you could say, “and laughing” to give it a sence of closure.

I also adore Emily Dickinson’s writing style – she is one of my favorite poets. Although with this piece, it looks as though you’ve TRIED to emulate her style. It seems forced instead of natural.

I think it works in the first line, although I would probably take out the last dash after fallen. I would replace the dash between ‘other’ and ‘up’ in the second line with a line break, and delete the one after ‘down’.

I do like them in the fourth line, but I think it would read a little better if there were also line breaks after each dash, and not one after laughing. It kind of leaves you hanging… a dash to me reads as a pause, and a pause at the end leaves me thinking, well, what next?

As for the piece itself, I love it! It’s a little funny, a little serious, and perhaps even a metaphor for a bigger situation. For reasons of flow I don’t think the ‘out’ in line three is very necessary. But the rest of it is very nice. Good job here!

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July 18, 2007

by eloriane

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
33	88.2% (17 votes)	14.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United States	January 09

Hello! I wanted to thank you for your thoughts. I’m a bit surprised that you felt the style was forced, as I spent a long time trying to force myself to find another style, and found I wrote most naturally with the dashes! But that’s neither here nor there.
I’ve reformatted the poem as per your suggestions, just to see:

and – how strange! – we’ve fallen
tangled in each other
up side down
sprawled at the bottom of the staircase
bruised –
breathless –
laughing

It is a lot less Emily Dickinson this way, but I’m just not as fond of it, partially because it looks more sprawled out this way, and I like my poems to be very condensed. (I usually do haiku). It just no longer feels like my own work.
I’ve tried a compromise as well, which I like better:

and – how strange! – we’ve fallen
tangled in each other up side down
sprawled at the bottom of the staircase
bruised – breathless – laughing –

I think you were right about many of the dashes, and there were too many. I’m not sure how the second line works, I think it might need something to separate the tangled bit and the up side down, but I prefer it on one line, because neither half is really enough for a full line on its own.
I left in the dash at the end, though, because I intentionally wanted the poem to trail off a bit at the end. That’s also why I began with and—there’s a beginning and and end to this story, but this is only the middle. I’m not sure if it works, though, and I wonder if you have any other comments with my intentions in mind.

Well, regardless, many thanks for your excellent review!

July 18, 2007

by pixistardust

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	89.8% (59 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	KC, MO	January 10

When I made my suggestions I didn’t actually type out the piece to see it the way I suggested – definately a mistake, as I agree that it is too sprawled out.

However your second version is a very good middle ground! I like it. I agree that the second line needs to be seperated, and perhaps a comma would do the trick if you think so. Great improvement. If I had seen that in my review queue I probably would have just raved instead of making suggestions =)

and you are very welcome!

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