Short Story / One Year

One year ago tonight, I sat with her on this small beach and professed my love for her. Subtle waves crashed into the shore as she told me she felt the same way. We kissed in the artificial light behind us and breathed in the serenity of love.

It’s a different story now, though. I’m at the same beach with the same person (and her best friend), yet nothing is the same. The waves are crashing into the shore exactly as they were a year ago and we’re sitting in the same artificial light, only now she is dancing in the sand in front of her friend and I, talking about which guys she would like to sleep with.

A few months ago, immediately after we had broken up, I would have laughed at this conversation, because most of my feelings for her had dried up. It’s not a few months ago, though. Instead, thoughts of her with someone else are swelling inside of me like enormous dark thunderclouds preparing to downpour. It’s confusing me; tears aren’t sure whether to burst out or stay concealed, depression isn’t quite bold enough to come and suppress me, and my favorite place to go in times of mental despair, the beach, is now just another place.

It hit me hard, although this feeling’s been growing inside of me for a few weeks now. I tried talking about it some friends of mine during that period of time but that hasn’t been any good.

“Just go out with her again,” one person said. That wouldn’t happen. We both could never trust me and I’d probably end up doing the same thing-getting weary of one another and breaking up.

“Just hook up with her and leave,” another person said. That wouldn’t happen, either. I care about her too much to treat her like some kind of cheap whore.

“Just walk away, stop talking to her, stop thinking about her. Get her out of your life,” yet another person said. Also wouldn’t happen. She means too much to me. She makes me do things I don’t normally do.

“What’s the big deal then? Just stay as friends,” I keep telling myself. There’s a slight breeze reverberating through the air and it reminds me of that night one year ago today.

What is the big deal?

The big deal is that I want to be with her again but know it won’t work, again. That when she talks about other guys I get horribly uncomfortable. That I won’t be able to touch her again like I used to. That’s the big deal.

My thoughts drowned into the crashing waves as enormous thunderclouds emerged from the infinite blackness.

It was time to leave.

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