Poetry / the nothingness of being (formerly the nothingness of me)

Well, Ravenn… you know i haven’t got the head for poetry.  The free form, less-structured, train-of-thought way this stuff is put together scares the crap out of me.  It’s just beyond my comprehension.

But i’ll give you that this is good.  You’ve really worked to set up an image in the readers mind – with great success.  This is pure emotion, and well-written to boot.

There’s nothing i could suggest to you to change.  This piece is absolutely perfect just as it is.  Not ‘too polished’, either, but just right.

Keep up the incredible work, Dark One!

dave.  

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July 05, 2007

by Ravenn

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Note to self:  Next time I need to scare Dave, send him poetry.

I appreciate you venturing into this scary side of the world of writing and reading my poem; it’s okay, it won’t hurt you.  

Curious if you did indeed read version #2 before deciding on your verdict.  I’m torn.  They almost seem like two completely different poems, especially how version #3 is stripped down to bare bones compared to #2.

I wonder though, are you brave enough for Scarlet Ribbons?

Thanks for reading and the review.  I do appreciate it!  I know it was hard but see, you did survive.

It’s just emotions – send “Jim” this way, I know he’d love it ;)

~R

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Stunning.  I especially loved this:

“playing hopscotch she dances
over the jagged edge once more
does she secretly pray she will slip and fall
and tumble into the nothingness that
resides within herself”

I literally want to get that tattooed somewhere on my body.  Poetry in motion on flesh, a forever-reminder.

I hate to leave nothing but gushing reviews (because, honestly, how can one improve without a bit constructive criticism?) but this seemed absolutely flawless.  Flows perfectly.

Also, while I know this is poetry, perhaps you should look into writing lyrics?  I play the violin, favor the dark, the gothic, the heart breaking, and this would be so insanely beautiful backed by a cello or viola.

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June 24, 2007

by Ravenn

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Honestly, the thought of writing lyrics has never crossed my mind.  Again, I really only felt I “dabbled” in poetry until I started to have people look at it.  I am starting to view that differently now which is nice.

I’m glad you looked at this piece because I was a bit disappointed at only one review.  Having two now, that both love it, lets me know this poem evoked feelings.

I am so glad you enjoyed it.  I leave a lot of reviews where I have nothing but simply praise and nothing constructive to add.  I believe, at least for me personally, that those are as meaningful as the one suggestion that “fixes” the area you were stuck upon in a story.
Thank you again!

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In the 4th line I would transfer the word “to” to the beginning of the next line.
Then that line stands alone, plus it is more explained with the next line.
Same goes for “and tumble into the nothingness that” part (“that” should go to the next line)
Other than that it’s a nice poem, considering you’re 99 years old ;-)
The lines between stanzas sound very soothing sometimes like angels, sometimes full of despair, I like it!
I didn’t get the title, I got the poem more in the lines of “the nothingness of SHE”.
Work on it a bit more, it WILL be perfect.

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July 02, 2007

by Ravenn

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Your suggestions are simply…perfect!  I never realized the words “to” and “that” were out of place until you so kindly pointed it out.  Thank you so very much!

(It’s actually rather ironic considering I’m always pointing out that very thing to others when I look at their work!)

And, you are right, it isn’t a “me” in the poem it’s a “she”!  Obviously my editor will be fired the minute I get done writing you this note ;)

I’m glad to see you noticed the concept of the whispers in parenthesis – but are they angels or demons in disguise tempting and tormenting her?  

And, once again, after your keen observation, that title is SO out of here.  Much appreciated!

Now the question remains of renaming the poem.  ”Nothingness” just sounds far too pedestrian.  I will have to put on my thinking cap.

Version 2 coming up, and thanks to you, it will be perfect!

~Ravenn

P.S.  You know, 99 is really a fledging in vampire years ;)

July 02, 2007

by jebozid

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hmmm, now that you mention it,
i can almost hear an evil, demonic “Bwahahaaa, we knew you’ll give up” after
“(we will catch you darling)” , or at least that’s what makes it dark and fun for me ;-)

July 02, 2007

by Ravenn

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Depending on my mood – I can either envision it as salvation OR more of a sneaky “we will catch you darling” followed by an intended demonic laugh of “oops, gosh we missed her” as she plummets to her demise ;)

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Another great piece from you! I enjoyed this because I feel it is something that most anyone could relate to at a dark point in their lives. I could interpret this poem in many ways. A person who is on the verge of totally losing herself because she feels she has nothing or is nothing. I can envision the person contemplating death by plummetting over a real edge (literally and figuratively). Brilliant!

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June 18, 2007

by Ravenn

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It’s so nice when someone understands what you are writing and the feelings trying to be conveyed.

Thank you again!  You are too kind.

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I found this profoundly in tune with how I find myself feeling at times. I like the way you break up your writing, like your whispering to the reader. This is only the third writing of yours that I have read, and you are very good too.

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June 28, 2007

by Ravenn

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I know, it seems to be a universal feeling we all share.  I’m glad you enjoyed the poem and thank you for such nice compliments.

That is indeed meant as whispering in the brackets, however, it is “the other side” and her having a conversation in her head as it tempts her to cross over.

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in response to your third question, i would tie the ending up with the beginning, but with subtlety. it would make the connection between the beginning and end more seamless.In the first stanza “and create its final shriveled form” seems a little too morbid for the emotion the piece is trying to evoke. mabe something a little smoother? second stanza “silence the silent screams ” the repetition takes the focus away from the piece and i felt it interrupted its poetic rythm. i like how the variation in word scheme in the third stanza buffers the change in concepts. hope this helps.

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August 07, 2007

by Ravenn

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Good catch on the “silence” line, I was wondering if that was a bit overkill.  Thanks for confirming.  

This version strayed quite a bit from version three but if I do stay with this one, I agree that I need to tie the beginning in with the end.

Thanks for the input.  Much appreciated.

~Ravenn

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I actually really liked this piece…the way it is structured is not the typical and the subject matter too is not typical – I think you have made great progression from the other versions – This is one of those poems which will stick in ones mind for some time because of the unique structure and imagery.

I like the ending and don’t feel it needs to be altered. I think if you hadn’t included (we will catch you darling) then it would need tying up a little more, but I think that finished it quite well.

I’m not sure I would have changed the title though – the NOTHINGNESS in the original title I found luring because it immediately suggests that many people can relate to the Nothingness subject.

Keep writing and I am sure you can reach all of your goals. You are unique and show great potential.

~GracieM

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August 07, 2007

by Ravenn

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Thank you for such a nice review.  I try to format my poems differently if possible to change things up a bit.

I changed the title because after doing quite a few reviews, I came across about five poems that all had “Nothing” or “Nothingness” in the title.

I felt it was a bit of a cliche after seeing so many.  I picked “jagged edges” because I felt it was representative of the rawness of her emotions and also was a piece of the poem.

Thanks for the compliments.  You are too kind.

~Ravenn

August 07, 2007

by GracieM

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Well then the new title fits very well! I look forward to reading more from you!

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There is alot of grammar errors here. The first letter in each first word should be uppercase not lowercase. Other than the grammar errors than the work you have here isn’t bad.

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August 07, 2007

by Ravenn

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Poetry can be written or formatted anyway one wants.  I fail to see how that is a grammar error.

Specific questions were asked for this review, of which you did not respond.

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hi sweet -

just read your notes for review and piece here ;-)

i like its layout and lines into brackets. a poem for 2 voices? am not entirely certain… I like it though.
your opening is heavily clichéed. i know of “no need to re-invent an existing wheel”, but… or why not consedering chiselling, pruning it to the bones:
as in,

“Last errant leaf.
Clinging to Tree of Nothingness,
desperate[ly],
tossing,
frantic[ly] -
to gust of wind of non-existent life,”

or something of that kind… think? Lots of “ing” ...why not considering
“clung” & “tossed” instead? think?

i like your 2nd stanza. Flows well ;-))

to your 1st question, my answer is stanza 4. why? Because it translates your image from your opening stanza and it is well worded!it works, Ravenn ;-)).
now, re-reading your 3rd stanza,
which i like too [actually!] due to its simplicity in its wordchoice,
     cannot convey
          how empty
               inside”

“the color black

good stanza [too]! though why not considering replacing “empty” with “hollow”. think?

stanza 6: why not pruning it of un-necessary words, such as “the”/ “and”?
as in,

over [the] jagged edge once more
does she secretly pray she will slip, [and] fall  [-> replacing “and” by a ,]
and tumble into [the] oblivion

read it loud again, or record it. play it back. you will hear them ;-))

final stanza:

yeah, you’re right: your final stanza doesn’t really tie with your opening, as you are now using new imagery, from errant leaf to tight rope. you may have to decide to which image you’re going to stick with ;-). make the loop, keep your reader in the circle ;-)). ending a poem with new images is sometimes asking for trouble!
“poised upon tiptoe”, yeah, okay ;-) why not “poised on tiptoe”?
flows better ;-))

i think you need to tie it up ;-))!

you’ve already worked very hard on this piece, and although i am not familiar with its previous versions, i would encourage you to “let it rest in a drawer. do other things. leave it for a while, and then come back to it with a fresh eye ;-)). it sometimes need to brew away from natural daylight.

you’re on your way, Girl ;-))
Always look for a better way.

nat xx

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August 07, 2007

by Ravenn

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Ah sweet Nat,

Thanks for looking.  You are always so helpful with poetry.  I really need you to compare this to version three – therein lies the dilemma.

As always, good advice, my friend.  I’ll email you the sad, sordid tale of this poem and give you some background.  It will then make much more sense where the problem lies.

Thanks for reviewing, my sweet.

Love,
Ravenn

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I will admit that I like this version best because it reads more story like and prose like while staying a poem. I am sure other cynics will disagree with me on that simply because I have discoverd that alot of old school poets stay to the same style or original formats of poetry. But I don’t like that myself, I like the indivisual to really come across just that, an indivisual. I really like the way the old title is used in the first sentence.
There also seems to be a little more emotion then version 3 in the way that this version seems less dark, but dark still without being stereotypicaly morbid.

Great work, the style is what makes this version better then the 3rd.

Speak soon

DK x

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August 06, 2007

by Ravenn

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I agree with the rewrite the first two stanzas are indeed more prose and not “telling.”  

Somehow, however, they almost seem too sophisticated for the rest of the poem.  I actually almost did an entire rewrite to match the rest of the poem to them.

Then I considered snatching them back and using them in another poem for another idea that occurred to me.

Yes, I am nuts – perfectionism blows.

I feel I am almost “there.”  Why this poem is such a bugger to feel “completed” is beyond me.  

Yes, another rewrite…but this is a good exercise in perspective for me – the words stereotypically morbid just gave me a good kick – in a good way.

I despise being common.

Thanks for making me think.  Much appreciated.

~R xx

August 07, 2007

by DannyK

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I too despise being common.lol.

The best writers worked for months and sometimes years to complete a full work of writing.
Perfection only exists to the beholder, be happy with you work cause thats more inportant then what I and others think.

DK

xx

August 07, 2007

by Ravenn

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Well in that case – go away and stop bugging me!  (Hah joke!)

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