Hi, this was written intended as part of an anthology in a comic actually. The thing had no powers really, it is a creature of unknown origin. Charlie was not effected, he had just to be standing with his back toward the creature while Seth was on the ground still in shock. Guess I did not convey that too well. I tried to keep the thing in the dark in hopes that the audience is forced to use a little imagination. As far was the program I used, Movie Magic 2000. Thanks for the review. I really appreciate it.
Screenplay / Last Night
“LAST NIGHT”
by
Jonathan Aldebot
ON BLACK:
MALE VOICE
What would you do to survive?
EXT. HOUSE—MORNING
Seth steps out of his house; his clothes are bloody and holds a bloody baseball bat in one hand. He sits down on the steps to the front porch and pulls out a cigarette from his shirt pocket. He lights it and takes a deep puff.
MALE VOICE
I know what I had to do, without question… without any hesitation. It was the worse night I ever had, but it was the last night for it… I was sure of it.
FADE OUT:
ON BLACK: A FEW HOURS PRIOR
FADE IN:
INT. HOUSE—NIGHT
An old, vintage radio lays atop a wooden shelf. Its tuner window glows a faint yellow that shows its age. A female voice on the radio speaks to an empty audience:
FEMALE VOICE
…Police have discovered the body of 63 year old Anne Marie Smothers earlier this evening in her residential home in the town of Newburgh.
Three men sit at a round table, a deck of playing cards are laid neatly at its center. They are SETH, CHARLIE and MAC. The three men each hold a set of five cards, poker’s the game.
FEMALE VOICE
...Reports say that they found the 63 year old, mother of three, dismembered. Further details of the murder are not being released out of respect for friends and family of the victim.
The men’s eyes shift as they each gaze into one another’s eyes, hoping to decipher any hints that would lead them to uncover a bluff. They are all speaking to one another without a single word being uttered. We see that Seth has the upper hand, a full house. Mac has a straight, whereas Charlie only holds a single pair. Mac is sure of himself that he holds the winning hand, Seth has one the best poker faces this side of town has seen in years; he is confident and he desperately needs to win the pot that is sitting only a few inches away from his hand; the pot now stands at $400.
FEMALE VOICE
...It is the fifth gruesome murder in recent weeks and police still have no leads and no suspects. The murders seem to be picked at random and authorities fear the makings of a serial killer. In other news…
The broadcast went unheard, moreso, a warning.
Charlie folds.
CHARLIE
I’m out.
Seth throws in a few chips into the pot.
SETH
I raise you abouther fifty-bucks.
Mac smirks, then throws in a few chips of his own; confidence is high.
MAC
I’ll see your fifty-bucks and raise you another fifty.
Charlie is wide-eyed; he knows he is missing out on a lot of money.
Seth throws in some more chips, avoiding any eye contact and still holding his straight face; no grins, no anything.
SETH
I’ll see your fifty.
Mac slams his cards unto the table.
MAC
Straight flush! Beat that!
And now comes the grin. Seth’s poker face has done its bidding and Seth slowly places his cards on the table.
SETH
Full house.
Mac pounds his fist against the table. Seth could not help but smile as he cups the chips with his arms and brings ‘em closer to his body.
Mac’s eyes burn with fury. Charlie looks at Mac, almost scared of the man himself.
Mac gets up and grabs his jacket that hung by the shoulders of the chair he sat on.
CHARLIE
Where ya’ going?
MAC
I think I’ve lost enough money for one night.
Seth is counting his earnings.
SETH
C’mon, just one more round.
Mac takes the last gulp of his beer, wipes his mouth clean then heads for the doorway. He pauses at the foot of the staircase that leads to the front door. Mac has a puzzled look on his face. There, by the doorway, a shadow lurks, or so he thought. The beer, he thinks, it must be the beer.
He walks up the flight of stairs, opens the front door and walks out into the darkness.
Charlie gets up from his chair and stretches when he notices a set of keys sitting on top of a coffee table near the foreground. He walks over to them and picks them up.
CHARLIE
(with a smile)
The old puss forgot his keys.
Charlie starts to walk towards the front door when he hears a noise.
SCCRRPHTH!
Charlie’s smile withers away and now bears a look of curiosity.
CHARLIE
What the hell was what?
Seth is oblivious to what is going on, instead, he is making sure that all of the money fits into his pockets.
SETH
What was what?
Charlie cautiously ascends the stairs. His squint as they try to look pass through the stained-glass windows of the front door but to no avail. He reaches the top of the landing and reaches out for the door knob.
Behind him, Seth peeks around the corner to have a looksy as to what Charlie is up too.
Charlie’s hand grabs a hold of the knob. Just then, Mac’s face slams against one of the door’s window pane, a trail of blood follows his face as it slithers down the glass.
Seth’s face is filled with horror.
CHARLIE
Mac!
Charlie has the door half-way open when Seth charges forward.
SETH
No!
Seth’s body slams itself against the door. There is resistance from the other side along with a horrid croaking and moaning sound. There is a brief struggle before they can get the door shut and locked.
From the outside, the sound of feet pattering become distant. There is relief on Seth’s face, then a look of shocka nd surprise.
SETH
Back door!
Seth pushes through Charlie and bolts across a long corridor that leads to the kitchen. Seth stop at the foot of the kitchen entrance and stares with horror at the unlocked backdoor. He races for the door and throws his body against it. Again, there is resistance, this time it is more fierce and Seth does not rule out the possibility that whatever it is out there just might get in this time.
Seth struggles to keep the door shut when he notices something, rather someone, standing at the foot of the kitchen entrance; it is Charile. He is hesitant to get any closer.
SETH
Charlie, what are you doing?! Help me!
Again, Charlie is hesitant. There is a desperate look on Seth’s face, it is a desperate plea for help.
SETH
Charlie!
Charlie snaps back to reality and helps his friend keep the thing at bay and on the other side. After a brief struggle, the door is shut and locked.
The two men walk backwards and catch a glimpse of what appeared to be a set of red-eyes just fading into the dark. They continue to walk backwards, not wanting to take their eyes off of the door, with each step they anticipate something to come crashing through those windowed doors. All is silent, their eyes remain fixed on the doors but alas nothing happens.
They stop walking and soon come to realize that they are at the center of the corridor that connects the foyer and the kitchen.
CHARLIE
(still looking at the doors)
Seth, what the hell is going on? What is that thing? What did it do to Mac?
SETH
I don’t know but we have to get—
Charlie “shooshes” him.
CHARLIE
(his index finger over his lips)
Shhhhh! Listen.
The patter of feet; they seem to be coming in all directions. The two men look left, then right, then they both slowly look toawrds the ceiling.
SETH
It’s in the attic.
INT. HOUSE—MOMENTS LATER
VARIOUS SHOTS:
DRAWER OPENING – HAND GRABS FLASHLIGHT
HAND GRABBING BASEBALL BAT FROM WALL RACK
The two men stand the end of the corridor, each holding their respective weapon or lack thereof.
The climb the stairs to the top floor, walk half-way down an upstairs corridor and stop just below an attic door.
SETH
Well, let’s have a look.
Seth pulls down the attic door and unfolds a wooden ladder that leads to the top. The stare into the dark above, the only light coming from the beam of the flashlight. Dust particles flow through the beams of the flashlight like tiny, glowing otbs.
SETH
So what do you say?
Charlie looks at Seth with a “you’ve got to be kidding” look.
Above them in the attic, a pair of glowing red eyes watch them.
CHARLIE
It’s your house, you go up.
Again, they both towards the darkness above them, only there are no eyes, only the dark.
SETH
(grabbing the flashlight)
Alright, give me that.
Charlie has somewhat of a smirk.
CHARLIE
What do I do?
SETH
Just stay down here and watch my back.
Charlie turns around.
CHARLIE
(mumbles under his breath)
Yeah, but who’s watching mine?
Seth climbs the ladder, stopping halfway to look back at Charlie; he is hesitant to push forward but does so reluctantly.
INT. ATTIC—CONTINUOUS
Seth peeks his head into the attic; it is dark except for the small amount of light seeping into the attic from the corridor below.
DOWNSTAIRS
CHARLIE
(in a half-whisper)
You see anything?
IN ATTIC
SETH
Nothing.
(beat)
Wait, I think I see something.
Seth could the sound of a faint croaking. He sways the beam of light side to side; something approaches him. Seth recoils in horror and falls down the stairs where Charlie breaks his fall. Seth kicks and screams.
SETH
Get away from me! Get away!
CHARLIE
Jesus! Seth, calm down! It’s me, Charlie.
SETH
(calming down)
That… thing… its eyes…
CHARLIE
Did you get a good look at it? Was it an animal?
SETH
No, but—
Charlie’s face goes numb, then a look of excruciating pain. Blood pours from between his lips and his eyes widen. Then his body, as if it were connected with cables, is swooped into the attic. Seth falls back to the ground and crawls away from the attic opening, his face filled with horror. Blood starts to stream down the ladder as sounds of flesh being torn and eaten pierce his ears.
Something is thrown down the stairs and rolls lto a stop at Seth’s feet; it is Charlie’s head. Charlie’s face, still wide-eyed, stares back at Seth. The decapitated head serves a mirror as Seth bears the same expression as the bodiless head.
Seth gets up and clumsily stumbles down the stairs.
EXT. HOUSE—CONTINUOUS
Seth opens the front door and almost stumbles over Mac’s body which lies in a bloodied mess. Seth puts a hand over his mouth hoping to hold back vomit.
Seth carefully steps over the body when a hand grabs at his ankle. Seth gives out a horrid yelp.
MAC
(barely audible)
Seth… help…me.
Seth looks down at his friend, he is helpless. Now, Seth looks back at the open front door of his own home. Seth rounds Mac’s body and grabs him from underneath his arm pits and starts to drag him back into the house.
INT. HOUSE—CONTINUOUS
Mac’s eyes widen in horro, shock and complete understanding as to what this so-called friend kis up too. But he is too weak and scarred to do anything about it.
MAC
Seth, please… don’t.
SETH
Don’t worry, Mac. You’re going to be ok. I’m here to help you.
Again, as if just winning another hand, Seth smirks.
Seth drags Mac up the flight of stairs and brings his body to the foot of the stairwell to the attic.
MAC
Seth, what are you doing?
Seth picks up the baseball bat which lays in a pool of Charlie’s blood.
SETH
I’m helping you.
(he grips the bat tight)
This won’t hurt a bit.
he brings the bat down on Mac’s head, blood spurts, then…
BLACK
EXT. HOUSE—MORNING
Seth walks out to the light of day. He holds a bloody bat in one hand; his face is emotionless, blank. He sits down on a step and pulls a cigarette out of his shirt pocket. He lights it and takes in a deep breath of smoke.
SETH
I figured that it would be full after eating Charlie and Mac, then it would rest… and it did. The son-of-a-bitch fell right asleep in my attic—
FLASHBACK
INT. ATTIC—NIGHT
Seth walks over dismembered parts that once belonged to his now dearly departed friends. He holds the baseball bat in one hand and a flashlight in his other. He slowly walks through the attic that is filled with an unearthly snoring.
SETH
I made little noise as I crept up on it, making sure to keep even my breathing to a minimum and then… I smashed its brains in…
Seth continuously brings the bat up and down, brain matter and a purpulish goo slapping onto his face every so often.
SETH
My God, it was the most God-aweful thing I had ever seen. But last night was its last night alive—
BLACK
SETH
—I think.
EXT. HOUSE—MORNING
Seth stares into the street in front of him and the row of houses on both sides of the street. It is a good neighborhhod, still quiet and still unaware of the horror that had just taken place next door.
He takes another puff of his cigarette and exhales. Then, there was a noise, an all too familiar noise that haunted him the entire night; it was a faint croaking noise coming from right behind him. Seth turns his head slightly, his eyeballs at the edge of their sockets. We can just make out a red eye and what appears to be sharp-edged teeth being displayed as the thing smiled back at Seth.
BLACK
SETH
I was wrong.
We hear the thing devour him; Seth screams.
END
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I was reading along, following your story line nicely when BANG I came to a huge error in your script that stopped me cold.
In poker, unless this story is set in an alternate universe, a straight flush is the highest hand you can get. It does not lose to a full house. Delete the word flush from the description and everything flows correctly in accordance with the rules laid down by the poker gods.
Next: “There is a desperate look on Seth’s face, it is a desperate plea for help.” How about just, “There is a desperate plea for help on Seth’s face.”
Just an idea but a better description of the “thing” might help the reader envision the horror. In fact, better descriptions of the type and age of the house, the interior furnishings and floorings—ie add some color and flavor to your setting.
And you need to avoid repeating the same words over and over in your descriptions—just like “desperate” above.
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I’m not really into horror, but I have to say it’s not bad. There was a sort of abrupt shift near the very end, though, because the whole thing up to the small scene with him on the porch is very linear and without Seth as a narrator, and then you start using a flashback with him voicing over. I think it would work well as a short comic for an anthology if you had a good artist.
Also, it’s unclear what The Thing is and what, exactly, its powers are. For instance, Seth goes up and sees the thing, but somehow Charlie is the one effected. Huh?
Your grammar and spelling is good, and so is your formatting, which I know from experience can be a bitch. What program do you use?
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