Wow… please be my friend. A lot of other people wanted MORE description of the scenery but I felt I’d put in enough so that people could imagine Belleview for themselves.
Also, I’d never actually thought of writing it as an actual children’s book but I really like the idea of making part of Sam’s story into that. The actual story is more young adult/teenage but now I’m really thinking about just continuing the prologue. It’d certainly be nice to be the next JK Rowling… Anyway, your review was IMMENSELY helpful. I’d really appreciate it if you could read Chapter 1 and let me know what you think. This was well worth the credits.
Novel Treatments / Prologue - Summer of 1999
Belleview, North Carolina
June 1999
Samantha awoke with a start. School had just ended but it seemed her internal clock had not yet adjusted. It was barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world. She smiled at the thought of summer, looking forward to the two month reprieve from her parents’ and their incessant bickering, two months with her beloved grandparents in Belleview where she grew up.
In the backseat of her parents’ obnoxious SUV, she turned up her headphones, blaring Queens of the Stone Age as she watched gigantic oak trees sail by the tinted windows. The trees lining the road got thicker until they practically formed a tunnel through which the road sprawled out before them, until finally historic downtown Belleview was upon them. Buildings erected in the 1930’s stood statuesque on the pristine streets, bustling with friendly faces. Samantha couldn’t help but smile with the feeling of being home again.
Past the courthouse, a left turn, and three miles down Shady Oak Lane was Gatling Lake and the towering Victorian homes that dotted its edge. Henry and Janice Ryan lived in the largest home, inherited from Henry’s mother, Lily Gatling herself. They were sitting on the wrap-around porch, drinking iced tea when Samantha arrived and she felt as though they looked like characters from a book, perfect and happy and everything she remembered.
Samantha’s parents’ left shortly after unloading her luggage but she couldn’t say that she cared. It was the same every summer. Samantha was happy to be with her grandparents, who adored her. Her grandparents were ecstatic to have her and her parents seemed relieved to be rid of her. After all, they did have more important engagements throughout the summer. They had many parties, banquets, and drunken functions to attend.
“So, how are you? You look thin? Are you eating well?”
“Yes, Gram.” Samantha laughed.
“Yes, well, we’ll fatten you up some.” her grandfather said, pinching her cheek lovingly.
“Oh, dear, if I’m fat then I’ll never fit in.” Samantha said ruefully.
Janice Ryan shook her head, “That mother of yours.”
“Janice.” Henry cut her off before she could get started. “She ought to just leave her be, that’s all.” she nodded in her husband’s direction. “Let’s have lunch and we can talk about more interesting things.”
Samantha followed them inside, unable to suppress the grin that played across her face.
“Your mother says you’re coming out this fall.” Janice said with a look of painful exasperation as she handed Sam a sandwich.
“Coming out of what?” Sam asked, mouth half full of a tuna.
“Into what, you mean.” Henry corrected with a knowing smirk.
“Okay, into what?”
“Society.” Janice replied.
“What?” Sam asked, her face twisted in horror.
“Your first debutante ball.”
“No way!” Sam said, dropping the potato chip that had been poised about to pop into her mouth.
“It’s not so bad, Samantha.” her grandmother said.
Henry, having heard enough got up and headed for the back porch with his newspaper and pipe.
“I’m not wearing a big fluffy dress and parading around like an idiot. No.”
“Your mother is quite dedicated to the cause.”
“I won’t do it.”
“You may not have a choice, darling.”
“Let me stay here, then.”
“That would break your mother’s heart.”
“So? I don’t want to do it and she doesn’t care. Why should I care about her?”
“Because she’s your mother.”
“Gram, look at me. I’m not a swan. I’m an ugly duckling.”
“You’re not ugly, by any means.”
“You know what I mean.” she said. “The fact that she’s into all of that stupid stuff shouldn’t mean that I have to be involved. Isn’t there some sort of law against torturing your children?”
Janice laughed, “I’m sorry I brought it up. I just wanted to prepare you.”
“Someone should prepare her for the fact that she can’t make me.”
Her grandmother smiled, “Go relax and enjoy your summer.”
Samantha sighed and walked out the back door, careful to close the door quietly behind her as her grandfather was already asleep in his big old rocking chair. It wasn’t long before she found herself wandering the grounds of their estate. There was about an acre of neatly manicured lawn in front of the house, and about five hundred feet of the same brilliant green grass stretching out to the lake in back. As she sat in the tire swing that had been hanging in the back yard since she could little, she saw Griffin Brody walk out of his back door and onto the deck. She waved and he walked over.
“Hey, Sam.” He said with a boyish grin. At fourteen, Griffin had unruly brown hair, and was a bit too tall for his build, causing him to stoop his shoulders in an effort to disguise his height.
“Hey, Griffin. How are you?” she asked, suddenly aware of the formality of her words. She’d known Griffin since kindergarten and couldn’t understand why she was suddenly nervous around him.
“Good.”
“Where’s Caleb?” Sam asked. Normally Griffin and his best friend, Caleb, were inseparable.
“He’s at camp.” Griffin said with a grimace. “Baseball camp.”
“Why didn’t you go?”
Griffin shrugged, “I was supposed to visit my dad this week but he had to go out of town at the last minute.”
“That story sounds pretty familiar.” Sam said. Griffin’s father was always cancelling on him.
“Yeah, well, he’s busy.” And Griffin always stood up for him.
Sam decided to let it go.
“He bought me a jet-ski. You want to go out?” Griffin asked after a moment of silence.
“Sure.” Sam smiled, “Let me get changed.” She hurried upstairs and ransacked her suitcase for one of the bathing suits she’d gotten. It was skimpier than she wanted, especially given the fact that her chest wasn’t quite as flat as last summer, but her mother had insisted that it was “the absolute cutest thing ever” and Sam hadn’t felt like arguing. Maura Ryan was always trying to make improvements on her daughter. Sam had whole-heartedly agreed with getting braces but her mother constantly insisted on taking it a step further. Go to the gym to get rid of those skinny legs and put some curves on that stick straight figure. Go to the salon together to put blonde highlights in that mousey brown hair and manicure bitten-down nails. Samantha, on the other hand, didn’t really care too much about her appearance. She was fourteen and oddly, comfortable with being a little awkward and felt that if her mother didn’t pester her so much, she probably wouldn’t suffer the compulsion of biting her nails.
When she walked out of the back door in the bikini top and a pair of cut-off shorts that were about two inches shorter than she was comfortable with, she could have sworn she saw Griffin’s jaw drop. He was standing at the edge of the dock with one foot in the grass. As she caught up to him, he took a step and tripped over his own two feet, almost falling head first into the lake.
“Easy there, Cowboy. It’s just a bathing suit.” she said, laughing.
He stared at his feet sheepishly as he walked down the dock next to her, “Shut up.”
She laughed again, mischievously, “What’s the matter, Griff? Never seen a girl before?”
He hopped on the jet-ski, trying to ignore her as she hopped on behind him, and breathed a sigh of relief as she covered her practically bare chest with a life jacket. “I’ve just never seen you as a girl before.”
She nudged him, “Thanks. I think.”
He shook his head and took off. There was no reason for skinny little Sam to make him uneasy.
When they landed in a patch of sand across the lake, she helped him tie the jet ski to a post before they made their way up the slight hill and into the woods. There was an oak tree with branches low enough to sit on and enjoy the shade and the echo of wildlife around them. They’d spent many summer afternoons there, avoiding the noonday soon.
“Quit staring at me, Brody.”
“I wasn’t-”
“You were. Stop. It’s unnerving.”
He laughed, “Sorry to have unnerved you.” He said in a mocking tone.
She laughed and looked up at him. “Do you like me or something now?”
His eyes shot to his feet and his cheeks turned bright pink, “No.” he said, perhaps more quickly than he should have.
“Aw. You do! That’s so cute.”
“Stop it.” He tried to hid his smile but it was impossible.
She was in a fit of giggles. “For Heaven’s sake, Griff, if you want to kiss me, just do it.”
“I don’t.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.” he laughed, nervously, “Now stop. I’m sorry I was looking at you.”
She watched him out of the corner of her eye, not able to remember him ever being that cute before. It was an indescribable feeling in the pit of her stomach that made her head buzz. And the way he looked at her didn’t unnerve her; it made her feel pretty and that unnerved her.
Griffin stared at his feet. He wanted to kiss her. He’d never liked a girl, never wanted to kiss one, never wanted to know what it was like, never felt that spark when they touched. Never until that summer and the constant firing of synapses was driving him insane.
He let a few moments pass before he found himself asking, “Have you ever kissed a guy?” He couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why he’d asked it or even why he was curious.
“No.” she looked at him and cocked her head, “Now, why in the world would you ask me a question like that if you don’t want to kiss me?” It occurred to her suddenly that she had made the comment about kissing because she wanted him to kiss her. Or, more accurately, she wanted to kiss him and had no clue where to begin or even if he would be okay with the idea. He had asked the question, though, after telling her to drop it. Of course. Griffin was just about the most bashful person she’d ever known. There would be no way he would ever kiss her first. She would have to take matters into her own hands.
He turned up his nose, “No.” He did. He really did and he had no idea why. Caleb had warned him about that. One day, out of the blue, he’d find himself struck silly with those thoughts and he’d be done for. “I was just curious.” Curious was not even the word for it but it was the first one that came to his addled mind.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No.” he said, finding it increasingly difficult to look her in the eye.
“Do you want to?”
He looked up at her. She had a smirk, that all-knowing smirk that drove him nuts. He looked away.
“Answer the question.” She said, moving into his line of vision.
“Just forget it.”
“Do you want to kiss me or not, Brody?”
“Just drop it.”
“It’s a simple question.”
“I’m sorry I asked.”
“Do you or don’t you?”
“Sam, please?”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes, okay?” he snapped, “I don’t know why I do but I do, okay? Are you happy now?” His eyes narrowed, angry and embarrassed, and he was about to stand up and stalk off when she grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him toward her just hard enough so their faces met and before he realized what was happening she was kissing him and, much to his surprise, he was enjoying it.
She pulled away from him. “That doesn’t mean I’ll be your girlfriend, Brody.”
He didn’t say anything but spent the rest of the summer agonizing over that one stupid kiss.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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jenniferb29 reviewed Version 2 -
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You definitely have a talent worth shaping. I liked the direction of the story. A teenager girl overcoming her angst while dealing with uninterested parents. Not too played out, however the only issue I saw was you stated this was a prolouge. Now to me a prolouge is something that sets the tone of a story, an introduction into what is going to come. This reads like the begining of a first chapter. I think you are off to a great start here. Keep going. Thanks for sharing.
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Rag reviewed Version 3 -
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rosalind reviewed Version 3 -
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This story was absolutely adorable. It’s definitely written for kids, and accurately describes the angst they go through with growing pains. After reading it, I read it to my nine year old son, because I keep telling him this will happen to him. He’s a harsh critic, especially about subject matters that are taboo, such as girls. Yuck! But several times I caught him smiling and he admitted that he did enjoy it.Now, on to the review.
You perfectly captured that summer day and made what, how, and where it happened so natural. It is a wonderful story for youth who are/will experience that first kiss.
The downside is, it’s a big wordy and could benefit from omitting a lot of filler words. These bog the reader down and restate the obvious.
Some examples:
School had just ended but it seemed her internal clock had not yet adjusted. It was barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world.
School had just ended but her internal clock had not yet adjusted, barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy.
Some of the sentences are just too long. Phrases like “had just ended” tend to be laborious.
Way too long.
She smiled at the thought of summer, looking forward to the two month reprieve from her parents’ and their incessant bickering, two months with her beloved grandparents in Belleview where she grew up.
You should work on cutting your sentences down, and at times making sure the reader can accurately envision scenes without having to labor over them. The trees lining the street, looking like a tunnel, etc. was a bit much.
But, having said all of this, your writing is good. Your flow is fabulous, and your handling of the situation was superb. Tighten up those problem areas and you’re on your way to a bestseller. It has that much potential!
campb26593 reviewed Version 3 -
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The characters are credible, and I believe the situations will resonate with young adults. You are a very good writer and this piece weaves narrative and action nicely. My only recommendation is to add some metaphors—the more that better.
This is as close as the narrative comes to an actual metaphor:
…practically formed a tunnel through which the road sprawled out…
Here are some examples of the types of metaphors you might add:
Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world, vibrant as her i-Pod on a shiny new battery.
“Yes, Gram.” Samantha giggled like a three-year old whose entitlement to a warm, soft, chocolate cookie was predestined.
I hope that helps.
lupi reviewed Version 3 -
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I really enjoyed reading this piece as I got a good sense of the characters. I disagree with some of your other critiques though. One stated that introducing Caleb and his girl (I forgot her name – sorry) only to immediately remove them was problematic. I thought it was inspired because it introduced additional tension into the scene, first because if they had interrupted Caleb/girl, they could themselves be interrupted just as easily – in fact, more so. And they were very aware of this as Caleb/girl could return at any time. (Also, I assume that at least Caleb will important to the story later.) I also disagree with one reviewer’s assessment of Sam. I think that Sam is a very “real” character. Her cynicism could easily be caused by how she/her friends/her older siblings have been treated by other/older boys. Don’t forget that girls tend to mature faster than boys, in the relationship arena even more so than other areas , so this attitude is entirely natural, especially as the rewrite indicates that she is old enough for a come-out. I don’t necessarily disagree with another reviewer’s comment about POV. You do indeed shift from Sam’s POV to Griffin’s at the end, even with the rewrite (see the last line). I like the other changes, but you have in some sense weakened Griffin’s character a bit. His patience with her attitude is not as visible, nor is the nervousness she made him feel in the original. He will need to be strengthened as your novel progresses because of this. Overall a very strong piece. Happy writing!
shygurl56 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought that it was good. But you start out the story with Samantha being the main character, and ended it with Brody being the main character. It would have flowed better if you had started with Brody, not Samantha. Or started and ended with Samantha. But, it was good. I hope that there is going to be another chapter.
Silic0Ns0uL reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written overall. Interesting choice to relate from Grif’s view. Great descriptions of Sam paint a nice picture of her without having you delve into details. Not quite sure about the relevance of having Caleb and Shannon in the scene if you’re just going to make them disappear again in one sentence. Dialogue needs a bit more consistent formatting; sometimes it is formal, sometimes conversational.
violetstrings reviewed Version 1 -
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This is the start of a very sweet, ‘coming of age’ type story. I see potential, specifically in the character, Griffin. He is the most 3D and real, the others simply are not interesting to me yet. Griffin has a clumsy and insecure charm that could easily allow teenage readers to relate to him. Sam, unfortunately, is a shallow character at this point. I cannot get a real feel for her personality other than she’s more aggressive and cynical than Griffin. She isn’t witty enough to be entertaining, in fact, her introduction and much of her dialogue fell flat. Perhaps, more background on Sam is necessary before launching into the dialogue. Most 14 year olds do not have enough experience in relationships to be that jaded, so why is she?
Also, the shift of POV is a bit confusing. The story starts off with Sam seemingly the main character, but Griffin takes over to the point where only his thoughts are known. The reader knows he is developing feelings for Sam, but Sam’s thoughts or feelings towards Griffin are unknown or not made clear. If the reader is mainly in Griffin’s head, the story should open up with Griffin’s thoughts and not Sam’s. It would also be nice to get more description and background. Where are they? What does the house look like? When they share a kiss, what are their surroundings?
You have a good sketch here, you just need to add some color for clarity and depth.
intothewild reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m always amazed and slightly envious when people can handle conversational test so easily, something I’ve certainly never mastered! But you’ve pulled it off with what seems to be a great deal of ease, and the characters you’ve created are chamring and flawed, exactly the way they should be. I loved your mentioning of Griffin stooping to hide his height, a common action in teenage boys, when most people tend to forget, ignore, or simply miss altogether.
I will say I noticed a coupl eof typos, but nothing that another glance over won’t fix, and other than that you have a beautifully structured piece. I hope you keep up with your writing, and with this story. I’ll be watching you closely for future updates!
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