Poetry / The Headline Reads (Analysis)

Before I get to anything that I personally think could use a tune up, I’d like to take the time out to say that you have an excellent poetic style, a vivid voice, and the poem itself is followed through logically and in sufficient detail.

“I curse myself for having done nothing,
For having been so self absorbed
But I justify,
It just wasn’t my problem.”

I think here the use of the word “just” just after the word “justify” strikes a sour syllable count and comes out a bit stilted. You also use the word justify throughout the poem more often than I think you should, and I believe you should either replace the word entirely or find a workable synonym to take its place.

“I see you every day,
A pleasant little girl who loves her doll,
The barefoot bandit the runs through the grass outside my
door just to feel it between her toes,”

This is, by far, my favorite part of the poem. You’ve caught a really vivid, really powerful image in that stanza, especially when its contrasted by the macabre undertones that flow throughout the rest of your poem.

I particularly like the message that your work is broadcasting. This is a very solid piece of creative work and I look forward to reading more like it.

i read ur pome and i like it very  much but u missed spelled a word. in this part of ur poem “I curse myself for having down nothing,
but I justify,
it just wasn’t my problem.” u missed spelled the word done. it says down. it will flow easyer if it is spelled the right way. other then that i think ur poem is nice. great work.

Hello,

The point of this fine piece was obvious so it then became how the story would be conveyed. It flowed well but the age factor of you and her seemed out of place here,
“I see you every day,
A pleasant little girl who loves her doll,
The barefoot bandit the runs through the grass outside my
door just to feel it between her toes,”

Throughout the entire story she was a girl next door, a co-worker, so she had to be older. When I came across this stanza’s section it seemed amiss. Maybe it’s just me. I am quite open minded so feel free to enlighten me, for I may just be missing something. The piece has great flow, a great feel even though the reader is well aware of the topic, which is quite painful and rampant throughout our society of our ‘civilization’. For such a painful topic it was layed out very cleverly. Well done!

well done.

you’ve shown the result of the “indifference” all of us are guilty of at one time or another, and consequently the horrendous result of justifying our in-action in the face of injustice or need.

then, redemption. not only for the “other”, but for ourselves through an act of kindness.

not much to critique… great piece.

What a great poem. It really gets you thinking. I loved the lines you wrote:

We have the chance to make a change,
To end the suffering of another,
But we just walk by,
Lying to ourselves to justify our inaction.

It is all so true. We justify doing nothing.

This is a good piece, but you’re right: it is a bit raw.

For now, I’ll stick to general comments. As you release newer edits, we can move into the details.

1.) Don’t feel forced into quatrains. You don’t need any sort of form here and trying to stick yourself inside of this limits you. Some of the stanzas don’t need all four lines, some could use twice as many.

2.) Try to cut down on unnecessary words. What exactly those are is trifle arbitrary, but a good deal of your sentences slide somewhat towards prose or have some sort of verbal “fat” on them. Try to use less words and make the ones you do use more vivid. Here’s a possible rewrite of the start of your poem, as a means of illustration:

“I see your face every day
—creased in pain.
I pass on;
oblivious.
I chose indifference.

Tears smear your makeup;
revealing buried bruises.
I check my watch.

I thought of you.
Does that matter?
It’s the thought that counts,
I wanted to help
—didn’t I?

Your face falls
to my tidy little desk,
smiling;
photographed in black and white.”

This is, obviously, rather rough. But it gives you an idea of how you can play with your piece. It’s very serious, there’s a lot of weight to what you’re saying so you can get away with short little lines; something a more frivolous poem couldn’t do.

3.) On a similar note to the last, I think you might be better served by illustrating the first as you did (very powerfully) and then maybe reading off a string of headlines with short descriptions.

”’Another Victim of Child Molestation’:
I remember her.
The dirt covered girl;
barefoot with her doll
on my yard.

‘Homeless Man Beaten by Cops’
—he told stories to travelers.
About the old days,
back in the war.
He was a hero.”

This gives you the emotional kick, and also lets you give us a variety of different pictures. Then, switch back to the detailed vision for the glorious happy ending.

Anyway, I love it and look forward to seeing more! We’ll discuss the rest in comments. This has gone too long, don’t want to cost you anymore credits.

When you edit, try to improve the flow, the readability of this. It is a bit “herky jerky” in places, perhaps in the verse lengths that are so varied.

Aside from that, this is wonderful and your passion for the subject is obvious in your writing.

Well, done. I will look forward to subsequent versions.
8/9

I really liked your focus, and can feel the pain of your poetry.  I don’t know that I can say how to improve it, when I enjoy the writing so much.  I feel that this is an excellant story, and could be transformed easily into any medium.    Who hasn’t felt the angst which you describe.   Good job.

very good

It is a good poem and emotionally hard to read at the same time.  You start out with a phrase, I see you every day, and it is very effective.  You need to use it more in rest of the poem.  I like the phrase about the paper falling to your desk.  You need to repeat phrases like that more often to help us remember it is a poem.  Try to be more consistant with the numbering of you lines.  You have four in some places, three in others and two in other places.  You have talent because the emotional parts of the poem come across good.  Keep writing.