Short Story / Against My Will
It has been forty-nine days, six hours and three minutes that I have been held here in captivity. I remember my kidnapping as if it had happened yesterday. The tall, heavyset man watched me walking across the gas station parking lot. He stepped out of his dark blue truck and slowly sauntered into the store, never taking his eyes too far from me.
At the time I did not think much of it. Men look at me all the time. I assume that it must be my tantalizing beauty that they are attracted to, although I am not really sure.
While I waited by the pay phone, listening to the teenage girl yakking about her boyfriend problems, the overweight man snuck up behind me, grabbed me, and dragged me into his truck. Shocked and unable to scream for help, I scratched and bit his arms as I tried to get away. But he refused to let me go.
He threw me into the passenger side of his truck and pushed me down onto the floorboard. He started the engine and quickly pulled out of the parking lot.
Speeding down the road, we drove for hours. I kept trying to peek my head up and look out the window, but the man kept pushing me back down.
When the truck finally came to a stop, the man stepped out of the truck and slammed the door. The leaves crunched under his feet as he strutted over to my door. I looked out the window to see where he had taken me. He had pulled in front of a huge, white house with blue trim. Next to the truck sat a small red car covered in mud. The windows of the truck had a thick layer of dirt, which did not allow me to see around the yard.
As the man approached my door, my heartbeat rapidly increased.
I have to get away! I thought to myself. When he opens the door, I am going to run as fast as I can back towards the road.
As he opened the door, I braced myself for a possible struggle. I stared into his cold, dark eyes. This is it! I told myself. Its time to run!
Before he could grab me, I leaped into the air as the door opened, making my break for it. Darting across the yard, I kept looking for a way out. Or at least someplace safe that I could hide, but realized I was trapped by a tall brick fence that enclosed the yard.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the evil man chasing after me. Sweat poured down his beat red face as he tried to keep up with me. Stop! he screamed as he chased after me.
As I approached the fence, I slowed down. Measuring the height of the fence with my eyes, I decided I could try to jump it. Increasing my speed, I prepared to soar into the air. As my feet left the ground, I spread out my arms and reached for the top of the fence.
Before I could grab a hold of the fence, I felt his sweaty palms clutch onto my right foot. Pulling me out of the air, the man tightly wrapped himself around my tiny waist, holding down my arms so that I could not scratch him. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but no one came to my rescue.
The man struggled to hold onto me as I tried to squirm my way free. The harder I struggled, the tighter he held me.
Carrying me in his arms, he approached the white house. The front door slowly opened. A woman with long, red hair stood in the doorway.
What do you think? The tall man asked anxiously.
Mesmerized, the woman replied, Gorgeous! Absolutely gorgeous!
Screaming, kicking, and scratching the man, I tried to free myself from his overbearing hold on me. But I was not strong enough. He carried me into the house. The woman shut the door behind him, pulled a key from her pocket, locked the deadbolt, and slid the key back into its hiding place.
The man began to loosen his grip as he looked for a place to release me. He walked down a long, dark hall and kicked open a door.
Still struggling, we entered the doorway of a small bedroom. The woman followed him in, turned on the light and shut the door. He gently sat me down on the bed and walked into the bathroom to wash his wounds.
Frightened, I stared at the woman as she approached me. She placed her hand under my chin, massaging it just a little as she gazed at my facial features. Then, she ran her long, cold fingers through my long, black hair. She then turned, walked into the bathroom, and helped the man tend to his wounds.
I quickly jumped off the bed and crawled under it. My entire body started shaking as I peered at their feet, which were quickly approaching my hiding spot.
Come out, come out wherever you are. the man sang with an evil tone. Searching the room, he knelt down on the floor and lifted the dust ruffle. His beady, black eyes gazed right into mine.
I found you! rang from his lips. He stood up, looked at the woman and said, It has been a long night. Lets just go to bed and we can deal with this situation in the morning.
The woman nodded and they left the room, locking the door behind them. Crouching beneath the bed, I chose to stay there for awhile. Maybe I felt like being under the bed made me invisible. Or at least that was what I was wishing for since I could only imagine the horrible acts they had planned for me.
A few minutes later, the door opened. The woman stood in the doorway. I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you something to eat. she whispered as she slid the tray into the room. She shut the door, locked it, and walked away.
Within a few minutes, the entire house fell dark and silent.
The aroma of chicken and rice filled the room. My stomach growled, but I was still too afraid to move. I could not help but wonder if this was a trap.
Slowly, I began to crawl out from under the bed. I quickly made my way over the tray, ate a bite, and ran back under the bed.
Nothing happened!
I repeated this a few more times until I had eaten all of the food and milk. Then, I quietly curled up on the bed and tried to fall asleep.
My body jumped with every sound I heard throughout the night. No matter how hard I tried, I was too scared to close my eyes entirely.
When the sun brightened the room, the woman opened the door, shutting it behind her. She sat down beside me on the bed and stared into my eyes. She reached over and grabbed a brush from the dresser and began brushing my hair.
What shall I name you? I know You look like a Chloe, so that will be your new name. she proudly announced as she continued to brush my hair. Do you like your new name? she asked.
I did not respond to this. What would I say to her? How would I tell her that I did not like that name? It was too girly for me!
Maybe that doesnt suit you, but I like it and that is what we are going to call you. We will be one big, happy family. Just wait, youll see. Your gonna love it here! Daddy may seem a little rough, but he has a good heart. If he didnt want you, he would not have risked everything to bring you here. We love you already and I know you will love us back one day. she explained as she laid the brush back down on the dresser.
The woman stood up and walked into the bathroom. When she came out, she knelt down, kissed me on my forehead and walked toward the door.
Why dont you come explore your new home? she said, inviting me to come with her.
Too afraid to move, I did not respond to her.
The woman shrugged her shoulders, rambled something about coming out when I was ready, and walked out the door, leaving it open.
She must have gone into the kitchen to prepare a meal because the air was filled with a delicious aroma of bacon.
My empty stomach began to growl loudly. Nervously, I stood up, walked to the open doorway and peeked my head into the hallway. I did not see the wicked man who brought me to this place. Maybe it was safe to investigate my surroundings. I cautiously walked out of the room, leery of any sudden movements or sounds, and made my way down the hall.
I found my way to the kitchen. I had guessed right. The woman stood over the stove making the most mouthwatering bacon I had ever smelled. I stood in the doorway of the kitchen waiting for her to see me, wondering if I should invite myself in.
When the woman turned around and saw me, she called to me, Come sit down over here. We need to fatten you up?
Still leery and incredibly hungry, I did as she asked.
While I ate, I thought to myself, They might not want to hurt me. Maybe they are just lonely and need someone special in their lives. . . maybe someone like me. But why did they have to choose me. I still want to be free. I want to see my friends and family again. Surely they have to be worried about me and they must be searching everywhere looking for me.
As the days went by, I continued to explore the house and the people who had taken me. I began to take mental notes on their daily routines and activities, hoping that this information would someday come in handy.
When the man and woman left for the day, I found myself completely alone in the house. They made sure to lock the doors and seal the windows before they left to ensure that I would not be able to run away. But that still did not stop me from trying to find a way out.
With each passing day, my thoughts became more and more consumed with finding a way to escape. As the man and woman came and went, I closely studied their every movement, looking for any possible escape route.
I soon realized that my only way out would be through the front door when the woman came home alone from the grocery store. When she came in with the first load of bags, she always closes the door by tilting her foot back and gently kicking the door shut as she walked into the kitchen to put the cold items in the refrigerator. That seemed to be the only time the door was unlocked and the woman would be distracted enough for me to make my great escape.
The woman would go to the grocery store within the next few days. I knew I would have to plan my great escape quickly and with extreme caution.
The next morning, after the man and woman left, I looked for a place beside the front door that I could hide. My body fit perfectly into a small nook next the huge grandfather clock that stood next to the door. I practiced how sneaking out the door as she carried in the groceries several times.
After hours of practice, I was ready!
Watching out the window, I saw the woman pull into the driveway and park her car. She opened the trunk, pulled out a few bags of groceries, and began walking to the front door.
This is it! I told myself.
I dashed over to my hiding spot, just beside the door as she slid the key in, turned the lock, and opened the door. The woman walked in, reached her foot back, and gently kicked the door with her foot. As the door slowly began to close, I managed to slither through the opening without the woman seeing me.
It worked! It worked! My plan really worked! Im free! I screamed silently as I ran across the yard.
Just then, I realized something I had overlooked. I did not plan on how to get out of the yard. I stopped running to look around for a moment. How was I going to get out of here? How could I have forgotten about the enclosed yard?
At that moment, I felt the womans arms reach around my waist. Too discouraged, I did not fight her as she picked me up, carried me back into the house, down the hall and threw me onto the bed, just as the heavyset man had done the night he took me.
Im very disappointed in you. I thought you liked living here with us. She stated sadly as she turned and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
Later, the woman came in to check on me with my dinner tray. She sat down beside me and began brushing my long hair.
I tried to plead with her; begging her to let me go. But she just ignored me. Nothing I said had any type of impact on her. It was as if she did not hear me. Maybe she did not understand what I was asking her. How could I make her understand that I wanted to go home?
We have given you a good home, full of love and compassion. And how do you repay us? You try to run away from us! Why cant you just love us as much as we love you? the woman cried. Then she stood up and left the room, leaving the door wide open.
The man came home soon after. I overheard the woman telling the man of my attempted escape. She seemed extremely nervous as she told him how I snuck passed her as she carried in the groceries. Maybe she was afraid of how he would react to the days events and to her incompetence.
The man laughed as he responded to her, What do you expect, sweetie? After all, he is a cat.
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A well written piece. you have the reader believing it is a child that’s been kidnapped, then we learn the story is told through the cat’s eyes. wonderful.
my only suggestion would be to introduce more story line where the actions of the cat, before the revelation, mimic a human’s actions. i believe this would accentuate the punch line.
keep writing!
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Great story. My honest opinions:
One, I loved the imagery. I could sense the surroundings, line by line. However, I felt the imagery was a little on and off. For instance, the “huge, white house with blue trim” didn’t really paint the picture in my mind. How (or maybe when) you described made it feel a little out of place or incomplete. There were a few lines that caught me that way. One was, “Stop! he screamed as he chased after me.” It didn’t seem to fit. The man so far seemed more like an object than a person (was that intentional?) to me, and him, sweaty, yelling stop, didn’t seem to mesh. One more that I found was the “long, dark hall” line. It seemed to lack character.
A couple times I felt there was a little overkill. Like the the woman’s “long, cold fingers through [his] long, black hair.” Or the line “great escape.” I thought that was great, but also that you shouldn’t have used it twice in so short a time. Made it sound like sarcasm.
One line seemed a little underdone: ”I quickly made my way over the tray, ate a bite, and ran back under the bed.” Didn’t seem to express enough feeling.
Also, I wish you had given a better sense of the woman. She lacked character to me. (I’m starting to think that was the point, though – a cat’s view.)
Also, when the character said, ”..did not like that name? It was too girly for me!” - that threw me a little. Seemed out of tone. Almost comical.
One last thing that threw me was the section: “I still want to be free. I want to see my friends and family again.” That just seemed a little out of place, a little corny to me.
Overall great piece.
(One last thing, the reason I gave a 7 for publishable was all the grammar errors. There were a lot. The ones were because it wouldn’t let me submit without choosing them.)
Ok, I really did not like this. The plot, it was ok. Then end, pretty good. The actual writing, terrible. This definitely needs to be proofed again. I did not include all the things I found in the piece because I didn’t have the patience. Also, I read something like this before on Urbis, the whole cat thing, and it was much better written. This review is pretty harsh, I’ll warn you. The writing seemed immature, underdeveloped and pretty much like a young teen’s. So if you lied about your age, then this was fitting for you, but still not good.
Stuff as I went:
- kind of had issues with your tenses right off the bat, example: “watched me walking”-> walk? since you walked, not walking, doesn’t flow like this, “remember my kidnapping as if it had happened” -> you’ve already said that you’re (character) ‘here’, this fragment makes it seem like you’re recounting this from your rocker at home
- “I assume that it must be my tantalizing beauty that they are attracted to, although I am not really sure. ” hate this. writing should be definitive, seriously, how can you not be sure?
- 3rd paragraph: What? 1st there’s the tenses issue with yakking, then there’s
the complete lack of description. makes you sound like a teenager on the phone, like this one time this fat guy…
- “approached my door, my heartbeat” no comma needed, don’t put them wherever you would pause when you’re reading aloud
- Evil man? What is this, the third grade? …does your computer not have quotation marks?
-“I decided I could try to jump it” yes…anyone COULD try. Again, be definitive and decisive. Say you’re going to try.
-“myself from his overbearing hold on me.” If you’re freeing yourself we get that he’d holding you…
-don’t start sentences with the word then, and avoid using it period.
-A while….2 words
-“leery” try proofreading
-great escape sounds corny
- adverbs aren’t great
And since I’ve pretty much made you hate me with this, why not throw in a few positives just to shake things up?
The end was cute. The characterization was for the most part decent. The cat’s vanity was well shown in the beginning. The cat theme fits well without confusion. Each character is given a personality.
There you have it. Needs a rewrite, not sure if it’s worth it though. And sorry this was harsh, it’s my opinion on the piece and nothing personal. I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your future writing.
Mika
Very entertaining. Funny ending. I think the piece can be improved with some tweaking. The story moves really well. No problem there at all. I just think the quality of the writing can be improved with some work. I would look for a touch or two of comic elements so that the ending REALLY hits home. and I mean just the slightest hints. Geez, then when i rethink, the wall? couldn’t a cat get over the wall? either way this is a funny set up.
I liked the pace of the story. I’ll try not to repeat what has been already said about your piece. Cats are curious creatures and each has a different personality. I think the piece lacks a little detail. You can add detail without giving the ending away. I think you can accentuated on the sense of scent and sound, and use his curiosity to paint a picture of the prison you’re in. Hope I helped a little. Nice work, keep it up.
Let’s start with the good: you have a neat plot, I smiled and nodded when I read the last line, the pace was very good – you kept things moving along nicely. There was never a point when I felt the story was dragging, nor any point where I felt you sped things up to a point where it was distracting. You took a few liberties with the language: cats don’t have arms; they have front and back legs. That’s not a big problem for me – artistic license probably gets you there. Great hook at the beginning – you create instant tension with captivity. How does a cat know how to tell time? Maybe artistic license again, but on the fringe. I love the tantalizing beauty line at the beginning – that is so like a cat, but I didn’t really understand it until my second read-through.
Technical ability is decent. A few minor grammar/spelling errors – I won’t burn your points with them. Have this proofread by someone other than yourself, because it’s hard for us to spot our own errors.
The biggest problem with this piece is the tell-vs-show issue and the looseness of the writing. Get rid of every single adverb and adjective, and replace them with either strong verbs or good descriptions, (or nothing at all if it doesn’t advance the story.) I know you know how to do this: when the cat first gets out of the truck, you describe his (her?) action with a strong verb: he darts across the lawn. Later the cat “quickly” “makes his way” over to the food bowl. Strong verbs – “darts” – are alive; adverbs – “quickly” – coupled with weak verbs are dead.
Quite a bit more to say, but don’t want to burn more points. Get “The First Five Pages” by Noah Lukeman. It’s a fast read, and will give you the info you need to turn this into a first-class piece.
I thought this was kind of cute, problem is the narrator gave it away when you went under the bed and when you were named Chloe.
I’m a cat owner and I wrote about my kitten when he first got here. I thought it was very well written
Im-I’m that was the only typo I noticed.
A little more description of the yard and bedroom would be good.
What is a dust ruffle?
At first though it could of been a human kidnapping, which I’m sure was the intention.
You don’t really say if this cat is a kitten and why it was hanging around the garage. Or even if it already had a human family, that family you described as being the one you missed could of been your kitten family.
“slowly sauntered…”--- saunter implies slowly
“But he refused to let me go.”--- refuse sounds like a verbal negotiation took place which doesn’t fit the story
“Come out, come out wherever you are.”--- sort of cliche and there are many lines you need in quotes.
“Just wait, youll see. Your gonna love it here!” --- need apostrophe in you’ll and change your to you’re
“We need to fatten you up?” --- is this a question, if so maybe add ‘Do’ to the beginning.
mildly entertaining. anticlimactic plot twist/ending. decent writing/description though. lots on uncapitalized words and unquoted dialogue.
There is not enough description here.
The character is too simple… which gave it away that she/he was a cat/dog.
The emotions are not shown but told… which fails to add suspense and tension.
I would try to find a mix of showing and telling and describe the surrounding more. The grandfather clock showing up like that is just too easy.
Wow, what a twist in the end! This was a very interesting story told from the cat’s point of view. It was a little confusing at first because I thought this was about a teenage girl in the beginning when you wrote about listening to a girl talking about her boyfriend problems on the payphone. I guess, the part about the chicken and milk dinner might have been a clue. Bacon, for a cat? There is one potential grammar fix: “I quickly made my way over the tray….” This was the first time the cat ate the chicken and rice dinner the first night. Do you mean: “I quickly made my way over [to] the tray….”? This was the most notable fix in the flow of the story Overall, it was a great point of view [POV] for the reader to find out in the end. It makes me wonder what it must have been like for my cats when I first introduced them to their new home. Looking forward to your editing and re-posting and comments on this review. Cheers!
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