not sure I agree on the suggestion but I’ll take another look at that bit – already changed it like 7 times. Why is the first line always a pig to write?! lol. Thanks for the comments though
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Of Prophets - Chpt1 - Complete (Analysis)
Through the fusillade of rain, the lifeless form in the alleyway drew his eyes magnetically. Two large ravens postured on top of it. Wings outstretched, they defended their claim. It was clearly too late to help. The once lilac dress and pretty white bonnet appeared grubby but dry, thanks to the overlapping roofs above.
He wasn’t far from home, and this was his route to work. Perhaps he would recognise her up close. Gingerly, Campbell began to move closer. A curtain of dark hair had escaped the child’s bonnet and half masked her deathly countenance. Despite the interest she was receiving from the ravens though, the child appeared unmolested. They haven’t even taken her eyes… wait, they haven’t taken her eyes! He stopped dead.
An image of wicked jet black eyes, and black tears streaming from them, flashed through his mind. Ravens, crows, rats, flies, oh they would linger greedily around the dead. But if she had the Harrowing, not even the carrion feeders would dare touch her. Campbell craned his neck to get a better view, but moved no closer. In contrast to her pale complexion two slim black lines ran down her cheeks, coming into view just below her hairline. Small droplets of the thick fluid fell from the tip of her chin and into her lap.
My God, it’s loose. He had to get to Ravi. They had so much left to do. Campbell swallowed heavily, turned on his heels and set off at a determined pace.
Children, like the little girl in the alleyway, and the one he kissed goodbye every morning, were always amongst the first. He could almost hear the hacking cough that would consume her, bringing forth thick smoke, as her tiny lungs burned within. He could picture her pale blue irises fading, as the black holes of her pupils steadily expanded. She would begin to fear the light, and scream if it was too bright. Terrified and tormented, her agitation would have her in tears: thick black droplets, like hot tar would roll down her cheeks. He would have to restrain her when she became feverish; the sick became violent later on. After only two days her body would give up from exhaustion and her heart would stop. But finally, after death had taken her, as she lay beneath the funeral shroud, the fog would come, and like all the others, she would vanish in the night.
They had to get out. The plan had to work! He stuffed his hands in his pockets, set his jaw and marched through the rain.
XXX
Around him, the shadows of a hundred buildings gathered, as the shambling streets seemed to shuffle ever inwards. It was as if the very walls wanted to be close enough to hear him breathe. Campbell shivered trying to shake off the thought, but it wouldn’t budge. It was no longer over the walls, behind the bars or the armed guards. No longer was it far enough away, that the threat of it could be ignored to any extent. It was close. He could feel it
This place didn’t merely feel oppressive; the smell in the streets was overpowering, as the aroma of fragrant oils clung to the air despite the deluge. On either side every twisted window held censors and votives. Here and there reflections of the candles danced across the slick cobbles. Yet beneath the veneer, there was an underlying stink: a corrosive reek almost, but not completely, smothered by the perfume. Campbell glanced upwards. Visible, but only just, high above the rooftops which overhung the road, were the mill towers; the beating heart of industrial revolution, constantly belching their filth into the northern wind. If the Harrowing didn’t take them, and the Prophets did not punish them for their abuse of this world, scented candles would not protect them from the foulness emanating from these chimneys. Silly fools, he thought, even sweet smelling shit will kill you.
Nevertheless, in a round about way, it was the mill towers that would get them out. Escaping would be an expensive business. Despite having five thousand guineas in his account, the collapse of the Bank of Askentian rendered these savings worthless. But Ravi’s inheritance was still intact. At the ripe age of seventeen he was the owner of the two largest mills in the city, and could draw cash advances based on their equity. If only the young man could be persuaded that the time to leave had come. Would he leave behind all he’d ever known?
XXX
The surgery waiting room was warm and inviting. Bathed in candlelight, it was a place that was immediately comforting. Ravi had always maintained that it did the patients good to feel a little at ease before seeing the doctor. Campbell felt his body drinking in the new found heat from his surroundings. He brushed some of the remaining water from his riding coat and sighed.
“Morning Doctor.” said Ravi from behind the desk.
Campbell felt the soothing effect of the waiting room evaporate in an instant. Planning an escape, for use in this very situation, was all well and good. Having reality call your bluff was different. He took a breath, removed his hat and stood staring down at it.
Ravi skirted the desk and walked towards him cocking his head to one side and furrowing his brow.
“Doctor, what’s the matter?” His voice climbed an octave. The young man knew something was up.
You’ll regret asking, thought Campbell, but said nothing. Looking up at his assistant, he offered a weak and momentary smile before taking a seat. But the young man wasn’t stupid. Judging by his expression it took only that moment of silence before he realised. His eyes widened. His mouth turned downwards and he began to shake his head. By the time Campbell went to answer him, it was clear the young man already understood.
“It’s escaped Ravi: Escaped the quarantine.” said Campbell.
The look of abject terror in the young man’s eyes began to spread as the Doctor’s confirmation took hold. Ravi collapsed into the cold leather of the waiting room chair. His eyes searched the ceiling or perhaps even the heavens for answers.
“Prophets help us. What now, Sir?”
“We’re leaving,” said Campbell, “just like we planned.”
“What, right now?”
Ignoring the momentary protest, Campbell hoisted his assistant to his feet and pulled him towards the door.
“If this thing fought its way out of quarantine, then so can we. We’re going to find that Captain of yours, and pray that he’ll sail us through that blockade, Ravi.” Ravi dragged his arm away with a lurch.
“Stop! Listen, I’ve, I’ve been thinking… We’ll never make it through that blockade. They’ll kill us… I think… I think we should stay here.”
Oh dammit man! We don’t have time for this. But by the look on the young man’s face, it was clear that he had convinced himself. He was going to take some shifting.
“We can do it… We’ll barricade ourselves in. I mean, we have the food and weapons to hold out. We can run a triage from the cellar and help the wounded…”
We’ve been through this. Oh Ravi, don’t make me. It was time for the hard sell. Campbell sighed, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and his thumb to relieve some of the tension. With outstretched arms and imploring eyes, Ravi tried again.
“Please Sir, think it through once more. We’re Doctors! There are people who need us here. We can’t just walk aw…”
“What people, Ravi?! Those over the wall are dying by the hour and if it’s here, if it’s inside, then it’s over. We saw it in the West quarter last month, and again in the King’s quarter two weeks ago; when the news breaks, the city guard will pull out, the aid missions will collapse and the looting will start. The state will cut off our rations and watch us starve. But the people here won’t just lie down. They’ll kill each other for food. They’ll burn the infected alive in the streets, and bit by bit this quarter will tear itself apart. If we board this house up we might as well paint a target on it, because when they get in, and they will, they’ll hang us from the nearest tree. Mark my words, before this thing chokes the life out of everything inside these walls, those around you will try. In two days these streets will be a living nightmare Ravi. We can’t help these people! If we stay here, we die with them.”
Ravi’s eyes glazed over, his bottom lip trembled and his shoulders collapsed in resignation. The reality of it all had finally hit home. For a moment he looked like he was about to cry. The image of a child: scared, lost and alone. Campbell cursed himself silently for being so harsh; the hard sell. Now though, it was time to proceed more gently.
“I don’t want to die here, Ravi. Not like that.”
Ravi’s eyes were blank, as if the mind behind them was picking up the pieces of shattered illusions. He just sat, and stared. It was Campbell’s turn to do the pleading. Crouching down, he placed a reassuring hand on Ravi’s shoulder.
“I’m getting Meredith out. If there’s even a chance I can save my little girl, I’ll take it. Only… I can’t afford to on my own. I need your help, my friend.”
The young man blinked. The knotted brow, the disapproving scowl, the quivering lip, they were all gone. Campbell prayed silently that his friend would come to his senses. He stood up and wandered to the window to give the young man some space. After a minute, Ravi rose to his feet and sighed. Campbell turned and looked the young man in the eye. Ravi took a deep breath and nodded.
“The Three Kings Tavern. We’ll find our man in The Three Kings Tavern.”
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Allex_Spires reviewed Version 6 -
Read 17% of the Item
Through the fusillade of rain, the lifeless form in the alleyway drew his eyes magnetically.
[Confusion in sentence one, without clarification in sentence two, causes me to sentence any story over my shoulder and move on to something else. Who is “his” referring to? The structure designates that, since only one person has fully been introduced, that must be who you are referring to. So the sentence says that through the barrage of falling rain a lifeless male form somehow perfomed the action of magnetically drawing his own eyes; maybe a reference to eyes being sunken through cranial decay.
There’s no such thing as an over-the-shoulder shot in a story. By the end of the paragraph it does become obvious that it’s what you’re going for, but you cannot do that because it doesn’t work. You have to show us him, and then show us what he sees. If you do this backward, you get confusion, and you don’t get read]
The purpose of a narator is to express setting and action through the story. There is no need to say “he thought he might know her” as narration, when you can put the reader further into the story by having it come as a character’s internal dialog.
Make sure that EVERYTHING pertaining to the setting and action, as it appears in your head, appears in the story. EVERYTHING. Put it on the page so that your reader doesn’t have to guess. People like being sure of themselves, even if they’re wrong.
Sample Rewrite Suggestion:
Through the fusillade of rain Campbell’s eyes focused on a lifeless form, dry under an awning. Two large ravens, with their wings outstretched, postured and crowed atop the dead girl. Her dress looked filthy but showed splotches of pristine lilac here-and-there; a torn and muddy bonnet sat loosely on her head.
Well, it’s clearly too late to help, thought Campbell, But perhaps I know her. He gingerly goose-stepped puddles along the edges of the alley, staying under overhangs and awnings, until he could make out her face; but a lock of black hair rested over her nose and chin. She’s not in bad shape. They haven’t even taken her eyes. He gasped and went pale. They haven’t taken the eyes!
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DCAllen reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
The pace of your first page (and the rest of the chapter) is fast, and it draws me in. Believe me, I skip items that don’t do this. You do it, and that’s great. You assume your reader has some knowledge that some readers won’t have. You’ll get comments like “I’m confused at first.” I don’t mind being confused. That said, if you don’t want to make your reader scratch his head, you might want to give us some idea of what the Harrowing is.
The long paragraph of dialogue that begins with “What people, Ravi?!” is absolutely brilliant. Any actor would love to deliver this. And this gives the reader so much information about what’s going on in the story. Very good.
Proofreading notes:
the sick became violent (Shouldn’t this be the sick would become violent?)
He could feel it (terminal punctuation missing)
Doctor.” said Ravi (should be a comma. Same: quarantine.” said Campbell.)
he looked like he was about to cry = looked as if
curtis_irion reviewed Version 10 -
Read 50% of the Item
I like it. Immeddiately, I thought that this should be a bit longer. More descriptive. Yet this piece already contains good, descriptive words used in the right places.
How long do you plan on making this entire book? I just feel like I need more.
I think that this would be better served as the book’s prologue rather than Chapter One perhaps?
trampledpixie reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Despite the interest she was receiving from the ravens though”—you can take out ‘though’. It’s redundant with ‘despite’ being there.
The description is vivid, but you might want to state the girl’s positioning a bit earlier. I spent the first two paragraphs envisioning her sprawled out on the ground, not in a sitting position at all, which she apparently is.
Apart from a few missing commas, that was all that captured my attention in the technical zone.
I got simply lost in the world you’ve created—and I use ‘lost’ in that good ‘lost in my imagination’ way. Your characters are relatable and believable, and they’re reacting in ways that most people would in their situation. You don’t have the Hercules charging pell-mell into things only to get his sidekicks all killed. You have two men, two doctors, analyzing the situation and taking the best course of action, the one more mature, and the other less so (Ravi wanting to almost go the Hercules route but in a more wait-it-out kind of way).
You take us right to the heart of the matter after a brief introduction (the diseased corpse), which is an excellent way to keep people reading. We know what’s going on, but it’s all still mysterious enough that we’ll turn the pages at your whim. I would love to see what follows!
lindsaypreston reviewed Version 10 -
Read 50% of the Item
This 10 word review has not been unlocked.
Autumn_Sims reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a very intriguing chapter. Full of conflict, being a doctor versus surviving and a real fear, massive virus out break. You described Ravi’s desperation of wanting to prove himself yet staying in line. The description of the city’s atmosphere was very eerie. I could actually visualize once bustling city turning into a surreal ghost town.
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Despite the interest she was receiving from the ravens though” – don’t need the word “though” (picky, i know….)
i’ll add things as i read, then i give an overall critique at the end, okay?
“They haven’t even taken her eyes… wait, they haven’t taken her eyes! He stopped dead.” – great sentence…. great hook…
i really enjoyed this… a lot…
you’ve created a very believeable world… west quarter – king’s quarter… all these little touches help immensely…
more importantly, you’ve created a situation that makes me want to read on… already i care about the doc and his little girl – already i care about what happens to them… well done…
as i said before. you’re very good at creating and describing your world… after only a few pages, i have a picture in my mind of what the town looks like – and even the type of people that live in it… again – well done…
your conversations feel real also… and that’s very important…
i really have no further criticisms to offer…
a very good read…
i would love to read more…
matty_j reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
great piece! i was hooked from the beginning.
one thing i couldn’t stop thinking about, and perhaps it’s me being dense.
if ravi isn’t quite 17 yet, how is he already a doctor? and maybe that would be better explained in further chapters, but i kept wondering in the back of my head while i read.
overall, it is a great chapter. the flow was nice and i enjoyed the style. the setting seemed interesting, a victorian era was what i had i mind.
great work!
Ramblin_Jack reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
i really liked it, it held my attention from the start and held it the whole way throughout. i want to know what happens to campbell and ravi! I’d definitely like to read more of their adventures. The semi-industrial atmosphere that you created as well was very detailed and easy to visualise. kudos to you!
finedani reviewed Version 6 -
Read 100%% of the Item
the lifeless … magnetically. – his eyes were drawn to the lifeless form in the alley. (Although, through the pouring rain, could someone tell that someone else was lifeless?)
He wasn’t far … move closer. – I would reorder this: Gingerly, Campbell stepped closer to the body. He wasn’t far from home, and he walked this route to work everyday – perhaps he would recognise her.
First section is fantastic! Lays intriguing groundwork, makes you want to read further. The only thing is that I would put Campbell’s thoughts in italics – don’t know if this is just a typo.
Around him, the shadows … ever inwards – This is an awesome sentence!
No longer was it … ignored to any extent – this sentence is a little clumsy, but I’m not sure how to fix it.
Silly fools, ... kill you. – Silly, fools, he thought. Even sweet-smelling shit will kill you
But Ravi’s inheritance – At least Ravi’s inheritance
form his surroundings – from his surroundings
“Morning Doctor.” said Ravi from the desk. – “Morning, Doctor,” Ravi said, from his post behind the desk.
Planning … good – Planning an escape – should the need ever arise – was all well and good
voice … octave – voice climbed an octave
You’ll regret asking, ... nothing – You’ll regret asking , Campbell thought, but said nothing.
“It’s escaped … said Campbell. – “It’s escaped, Ravi. Escaped the quarantine.” (I don’t think you need the dialog attribution (said Campbell) because it is obvious who is talking.)
What now Sir? – What now, Sir?
,” said Campbell “just like we planned.” – ,” said Campbell, “just like we planned.”
it’s way out of quarantine – its way out of quarantine
blockade Ravi. – blockade, Ravi.
Oh dammit man! We don’t have time for this. – Is this supposed to be a thought, or dialog?
triage from cellar – triage from the cellar
Very powerful story. I’m interested to see where it goes. You write very well – just a couple of grammar things. :)
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