I’ve been getting that with some frequency. We are not alone.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Just a letter (VII)
These letters never seem to find me at peace. I’ve been told that happiness writes blank. So here I am again.
As far as Wed. Jan. 14 goes, I can’t think of a worse day in my life, which is saying quite a bit considering a few I’ve been through. What makes it so bad is that I was madly in love with you until about 21:00, then after the movie I woke up to a few repeated revelations. I finally know what you always meant when you said you felt like we were breaking up every time we spoke. I think that each of those so-called arguments met the limit of what your commitment level would have been towards me, and that’s why each and every one left you feeling like you had just endured another break-up with one whom you had long broken-up with, time and time again. The reason I never felt that way is because they never approached the breach of my commitment to you. I could endure a thousand “arguments” and love you. I could wait for years if you needed space or time or “a break” as I thought you called it, before making a new undefined commitment. And that’s really where my philosophy breaks down, or at least runs into a significant obstacle. I don’t believe in competition. However I kept trying, and kept succeeding, to love you the best I could. When I confessed to you my proposal and it was treated like a line; “I think I’d even cry if a guy proposed to me like that”, as though that were my intention, to get a real sobbing acceptance as opposed to a mere two tear head nod, I think that’s when my heart broke. That’s when I decided that I need a divorce.
That’s how it feels to me. That was how far I was willing to go. Now I’m in a position where I am forced into being who I never wanted to be, but only to myself. No one other than you knew the measure of my heart except God, but not even God would consider us married because it takes two to covenant. It only takes one to commit though and I feel like I should be sorry that I did. You certainly didn’t ask for this curse of being the true love of every guy you meet. Chalk me up to another heartbroken casualty of choice and consequence or the discarded plaything of God, either way, I’m sorry.
I guess I should have just asked you the question instead of opening up the way for my knocking heart. Had I known exactly what I was to you, or more to the point, what I wasn’t, I’d like to think I’d have deprived myself of the most fun, joy, peace, promise, hope, trust, love, learning, passion (even though you hate that word), frustration, loss, jealousy, confusion, and of course the seemingly endless agonizing heart-wrenching torment that I’m afraid will end with the cold, numb, character you first met and warmed to love.
I’ll never understand. I don’t get how such a whimsical decision, in light of its absurdity, could not be unmade. I don’t get how you can commit to an absent someone you can’t admit loving while a present friend you once loved, and sometimes still seem to do, suffers from the memory of your kiss in the proximity of your touch and never had a chance.
No one has a chance against your imagination. In mine you were many things. It is reality you commit to, not unfounded images to never be. Not that I can talk. It would seem I was committed to as much as you ran away from, except that I saw all the things I loved in the you as I lay beside, and held, and ran behind, and walked before, and in your crossing eyes and smile and laugh, and in the few precious tears I witnessed fall… and all my doubts were constructed until six months ago.
The real sick part is that I want to stay committed, even to this misery, than leave you without someone. I don’t know who you have. I know that I’m alone, but I’m used to it. Or I was once. Sometime before the first time we met I was very alone. Then I starting calling, and visiting, before I moved in here and moved in there and then I felt at home. It does feel like I have to move again. Not because I want to, but because my home has found another tenant and I just found out I didn’t ever own the lease.
I want you to know that you’re right. I doubt that I would find one supporter in all this world or the next, but something still affords me the strength to hold on to nothing and remain in a limbo I dread to be in. It’s not even limbo. I’m in whichever place you afford to put me in at the time.
For future reference: I’m [A. Pseudonym], I’m 23, never been married, and divorced once.
PS. I re-read the other letters and some strike me as far happier than otherwise. Those were composed in happier times I guess, which makes this one still true though, because that hardened fact hardly settles me.
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janicejm reviewed Version 1 -
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Considering this is a journal or diary writing it is relatively good. I prefer not to see so many contracted words, i.e, “I’m used to it.” And, “I’d like to think I’d have deprived myself of the most fun” – in my writing but again in journal writing this is very acceptable. In more than a few places I became a little disoriented about what exactly she wanted to say, for example, ” That’s how it feels to me. That was how far I was willing to go. Now I’m in a position where I am forced into being who I never wanted to be, but only to myself.” And again in this sentence, “No one has a chance against your imagination. In mine you were many things. It is reality you commit to, not unfounded images to never be.” I am slightly lost but I am sure it has a true meaning in her thoughts. So as far as writing a review for this JOURNAL/DIARY ENTRY, it is rather hard to be very critical or concise, because these thoughts are from her mind and mean something to her. Therefore are useful for her to write down on paper in whatever manner she is capable of doing.
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amato3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I almost felt as if this is something I had written some time ago. I know and understand the feelings that you have expressed. Just when you think that you may be the only human on this earth that has ever gone through this you find someone else who has. I really appreciated the line “my home has found another tenant”. I felt exactly that way only was never able to find the words. Thank you for doing that for me. I enjoy your style of writing and for me, the feeling that comes through your words.
grandmai reviewed Version 1 -
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I am so sorry to read of your pain in your relationship. You express your thoughts very well in your letter…was the letter actually sent, or is it a letter you have written just for yourself? Your spelling and grammar are very good and you use descriptive words very effectively. Best wishes for a great future.
Foster reviewed Version 1 -
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I guess I never knew how deep that whole thing went. I’m sorry [again]. I do think these letters depict the trouble of heart and soul that many relationships can cause and few endure. I know it’s no consolation to say we’ve all been there, but we’ve all been somewhere and the scenery looks the same. This certainly airs some relatable thoughts with the spin of a writer’s voice. If this means it’s over, and you’re over it, so much the better.
- Foster
onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some deep lines in this writing “you felt like we were breaking up every time we spoke” That statement is so to the point. It would sum up many relationships. You release your feelings without degrading. I admire that.
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