Wow… please be my friend. A lot of other people wanted MORE description of the scenery but I felt I’d put in enough so that people could imagine Belleview for themselves.
Also, I’d never actually thought of writing it as an actual children’s book but I really like the idea of making part of Sam’s story into that. The actual story is more young adult/teenage but now I’m really thinking about just continuing the prologue. It’d certainly be nice to be the next JK Rowling… Anyway, your review was IMMENSELY helpful. I’d really appreciate it if you could read Chapter 1 and let me know what you think. This was well worth the credits.
Young Adult / Prologue - Summer of 1999
Samantha woke from a sound sleep to the sound of hammering echoing across the lake. She looked at the alarm clock and cursed. It was barely eight o’clock on the first day of her summer vacation. She rolled out of bed, walked over to the window, and pulled the curtain back, then shook her head at what she saw and got dressed before heading downstairs.
“Good morning.” Her grandmother said, reading the newspaper over a cup of coffee. Her grandparents had undoubtedly been up for hours already.
She mumbled something that sounded close to “Good Morning” as she opened a cold soda and headed for the back yard where her grandfather and the ridiculous boy next door were hammering new planks to the pier between the two houses.
“What are you two doing?” Sam asked in a tone purposely indicating that they woke her from a very pleasant sleep.
“Replacing some rotten boards on the deck.” Her grandfather replied with a smile.
“Looks like fun.” Sam said sarcastically.
“Yeah, lots. Why don’t you help instead of standing there?” Griffin Brody said gesturing toward a hammer. He was slim and almost scrawny with big brown eyes and unruly brown hair. By the end of summer, the spattering of freckles across his nose and shoulders would fade into an even bronze. At fourteen, he was as unsure of himself as any boy that age and stooped his shoulders to hide his height.
She rolled her eyes, “Fine.” She picked up her grandfather’s hammer and swung it aimlessly at the wood.
“You’re such a girl.” Griffin said flatly, hammering deftly.
“Wow. Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
“Brat.”
“Who are you calling a brat?”
Griffin looked around, “Um… that’d be you.”
They looked at each other for a moment, feigning anger, before they both laughed. He watched her struggle with the hammer and nail, trying harder not to hit her fingers than to hit the nail.
“Hey.” He said.
She looked up, “What do you want, Brody?”
“I was just gonna ask you a question.”
“Yeah, well, don’t. I’m trying to concentrate, here.”
“You’re not very good at that.” He observed as she struck her thumb with the hammer and threw it down, cursing loudly.
“Yeah, I know, okay? So, what?”
He shrugged, “Nothin’. You can’t be good at everything.”
“No, I guess we’ll leave that up to you.” She sniped back.
“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Whatever. Just hammer your stupid boards.”
“You wanna go out to on the jetski with me?”
“For what?”
“For something to do.”
She sighed, “Don’t you have any friends?”
“Yes.” He nailed the final nail in. “Agh! You’re so…” he stared at her. ‘Cute when you’re angry’ was on the tip of his tongue but he stopped. She wasn’t interested and neither was he. He was a foot too tall, scrawny, and completely oblivious to all things female. She was sarcastic, outspoken, and short-tempered with a mouth full of braces. But she was awfully cute when she was angry.
“So what, Brody?”
“I don’t know. Just come with me, okay? You might have fun.”
“Why should I?”
“Because I asked you to.”
“Do you like me or something?”
“No. I’m just a nice person.”
“Yeah, you are.” She sighed. “Fine. But you have to stop being so nice to people.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s unnerving, Brody.”
He laughed, “Sorry to have unnerved you.” He said in a mocking tone. “We can’t all be evil like you.”
She smiled, “True enough. Though the world would be far more interesting.”
They went inside and had lunch before heading out on the lake. As steered in lazy zig-zags, Griffin noticed that her legs were pressed against his. He’d never noticed it before, though he was sure they’d been seated the same way every day the summer before when he’d first gotten the jet ski. He shook his head. There was no reason for her skinny legs to make him uneasy.
When they landed in a patch of sand across the lake, she helped him tie the jet ski to a post before they made their way up the slight hill and into the woods.
“So, that question I wanted to ask you.” Griffin said, watching her feet as she walked, stepping so delicately over pine cones and twigs.
“I thought you already asked it.”
“No, that wasn’t it.” He paused, “Why don’t you like Roseland? I mean, you never talk about it.”
She shrugged, “It’s not home? I don’t know. The people there are just so… superficial. Even the little pervs our age are, like, trying to get into girls’ pants. It’s like, “Hello? You’re fourteen,” you know?”
Griffin mumbled something unintelligible. He didn’t know. Not really. Caleb was a year older than him and had been interested in girls since he was nine but he avoided the topic with Caleb for fear that he would find out something he wasn’t ready to know. He’d never liked a girl, never wanted to kiss one, never wanted to know what it was like, never felt that spark when they touched. Never until that summer and the constant firing of synapses was driving him insane.
“So, you don’t have a boyfriend?”
She stopped in her tracks and looked up at him, almost laughing, “Why?”
Griffin shrugged, “Just curious.”
“And why were you pondering whether or not I have a boyfriend? Are you interesting in applying for the position?”
“No.” he said quickly. “It was just a question.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked.
“I asked you first.”
She shrugged, “Fine. No, I don’t have a boyfriend. Fortunately for me, the geeky brunettes don’t get quite as much attention as the head cheerleaders of the world.”
Griffin looked at her. She wasn’t that geeky.
“And what about you?” she asked as she started walking again.
He followed suit, “No. No girlfriend.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“I’m too tall and skinny.” He replied, “Girls are interested in guys like Caleb anyway.”
Sam laughed, “Girls are only interested in Caleb because he’s so confident. He makes them think that everyone wants him and so everyone does. And you’re not too tall.”
Griffin felt his face flush a little and was thankful they were walking in the shadows. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you like Caleb?”
She laughed again, “Caleb’s okay. I mean, he’s cute, yes and funny but he’s… a little too much for me.”
“Hello, kids.” Caleb said with a grin. He and a petite red-head had been sitting on a fallen tree trunk very deep in conversation.
“Hey, Caleb.” They said, almost in unison.
“Hey, Griff, d’you mind if I borrow your jet ski? Shannon and I want to go for a quick spin.”
Griffin shrugged and tossed him the keys, “Bring it back in one piece, though.”
Caleb nodded, winked, and set off with Shannon trailing behind him.
Griffin and Sam stood staring at each other for a minute before they realized they were there alone and settled onto the now vacant trunk.
“So, what were we talking about?” Griffin asked, hoping she wouldn’t remember.
“I think you were trying to make out with me or something.” She said, just to watch him blush.
“I doubt that.”
“No, really, you were grilling me about my lack of a boyfriend and asking me if I liked Caleb. It sounded to me like you wanted the job.”
“No.” he said, trying hard to think of some reason for asking but coming up with nothing.
“Good.” She said with a smile. “Because I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She laughed and punched him softly on the arm, “Nothing. I just- I don’t know- that whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing just seems silly, you know? Everything is so labeled and categorized to the point of absolute stupidity.”
He let a few moments pass before he found himself asking, “Have you ever kissed a guy?” He couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why he’d asked it or even why he was curious.
“No.” she looked at him and cocked her head, “Now, why in the world would you ask me a question like that? Do you want to kiss me, Brody?”
He turned up his nose, “No.” He did. He really did and he had no idea why. Caleb had warned him about that. One day, out of the blue, he’d find himself struck silly with those thoughts and he’d be done for. “I was just curious.” Curious was not even the word for it but it was the first one that came to his addled mind.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No.” he said, finding it increasingly difficult to look her in the eye.
“D’you want to?”
He looked up at her. She had a smirk, that all-knowing smirk that drove him nuts. He looked away.
“Answer the question.” She said, moving into his line of vision.
“Just forget it.”
“Do you want to kiss me or not, Brody?”
“Just leave it alone.”
“It’s a simple question.”
“I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Do you or don’t you?”
“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes, okay?” he snapped, “I don’t know why I do but I do, okay? Are you happy now?” He crossed his arms sulkily and was about to slouch against the wall when she grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him toward her just hard enough so their faces met and before he realized what was happening she was kissing him and, much to his surprise, he was enjoying it.
She pulled away from him. “That doesn’t mean I’ll be your girlfriend, Brody.”
He didn’t say anything but spent the rest of the summer agonizing over that one stupid kiss.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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jenniferb29 reviewed Version 2 -
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You definitely have a talent worth shaping. I liked the direction of the story. A teenager girl overcoming her angst while dealing with uninterested parents. Not too played out, however the only issue I saw was you stated this was a prolouge. Now to me a prolouge is something that sets the tone of a story, an introduction into what is going to come. This reads like the begining of a first chapter. I think you are off to a great start here. Keep going. Thanks for sharing.
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Rag reviewed Version 3 -
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rosalind reviewed Version 3 -
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This story was absolutely adorable. It’s definitely written for kids, and accurately describes the angst they go through with growing pains. After reading it, I read it to my nine year old son, because I keep telling him this will happen to him. He’s a harsh critic, especially about subject matters that are taboo, such as girls. Yuck! But several times I caught him smiling and he admitted that he did enjoy it.Now, on to the review.
You perfectly captured that summer day and made what, how, and where it happened so natural. It is a wonderful story for youth who are/will experience that first kiss.
The downside is, it’s a big wordy and could benefit from omitting a lot of filler words. These bog the reader down and restate the obvious.
Some examples:
School had just ended but it seemed her internal clock had not yet adjusted. It was barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world.
School had just ended but her internal clock had not yet adjusted, barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy.
Some of the sentences are just too long. Phrases like “had just ended” tend to be laborious.
Way too long.
She smiled at the thought of summer, looking forward to the two month reprieve from her parents’ and their incessant bickering, two months with her beloved grandparents in Belleview where she grew up.
You should work on cutting your sentences down, and at times making sure the reader can accurately envision scenes without having to labor over them. The trees lining the street, looking like a tunnel, etc. was a bit much.
But, having said all of this, your writing is good. Your flow is fabulous, and your handling of the situation was superb. Tighten up those problem areas and you’re on your way to a bestseller. It has that much potential!
campb26593 reviewed Version 3 -
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The characters are credible, and I believe the situations will resonate with young adults. You are a very good writer and this piece weaves narrative and action nicely. My only recommendation is to add some metaphors—the more that better.
This is as close as the narrative comes to an actual metaphor:
…practically formed a tunnel through which the road sprawled out…
Here are some examples of the types of metaphors you might add:
Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world, vibrant as her i-Pod on a shiny new battery.
“Yes, Gram.” Samantha giggled like a three-year old whose entitlement to a warm, soft, chocolate cookie was predestined.
I hope that helps.
lupi reviewed Version 3 -
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I really enjoyed reading this piece as I got a good sense of the characters. I disagree with some of your other critiques though. One stated that introducing Caleb and his girl (I forgot her name – sorry) only to immediately remove them was problematic. I thought it was inspired because it introduced additional tension into the scene, first because if they had interrupted Caleb/girl, they could themselves be interrupted just as easily – in fact, more so. And they were very aware of this as Caleb/girl could return at any time. (Also, I assume that at least Caleb will important to the story later.) I also disagree with one reviewer’s assessment of Sam. I think that Sam is a very “real” character. Her cynicism could easily be caused by how she/her friends/her older siblings have been treated by other/older boys. Don’t forget that girls tend to mature faster than boys, in the relationship arena even more so than other areas , so this attitude is entirely natural, especially as the rewrite indicates that she is old enough for a come-out. I don’t necessarily disagree with another reviewer’s comment about POV. You do indeed shift from Sam’s POV to Griffin’s at the end, even with the rewrite (see the last line). I like the other changes, but you have in some sense weakened Griffin’s character a bit. His patience with her attitude is not as visible, nor is the nervousness she made him feel in the original. He will need to be strengthened as your novel progresses because of this. Overall a very strong piece. Happy writing!
shygurl56 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought that it was good. But you start out the story with Samantha being the main character, and ended it with Brody being the main character. It would have flowed better if you had started with Brody, not Samantha. Or started and ended with Samantha. But, it was good. I hope that there is going to be another chapter.
Silic0Ns0uL reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written overall. Interesting choice to relate from Grif’s view. Great descriptions of Sam paint a nice picture of her without having you delve into details. Not quite sure about the relevance of having Caleb and Shannon in the scene if you’re just going to make them disappear again in one sentence. Dialogue needs a bit more consistent formatting; sometimes it is formal, sometimes conversational.
violetstrings reviewed Version 1 -
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This is the start of a very sweet, ‘coming of age’ type story. I see potential, specifically in the character, Griffin. He is the most 3D and real, the others simply are not interesting to me yet. Griffin has a clumsy and insecure charm that could easily allow teenage readers to relate to him. Sam, unfortunately, is a shallow character at this point. I cannot get a real feel for her personality other than she’s more aggressive and cynical than Griffin. She isn’t witty enough to be entertaining, in fact, her introduction and much of her dialogue fell flat. Perhaps, more background on Sam is necessary before launching into the dialogue. Most 14 year olds do not have enough experience in relationships to be that jaded, so why is she?
Also, the shift of POV is a bit confusing. The story starts off with Sam seemingly the main character, but Griffin takes over to the point where only his thoughts are known. The reader knows he is developing feelings for Sam, but Sam’s thoughts or feelings towards Griffin are unknown or not made clear. If the reader is mainly in Griffin’s head, the story should open up with Griffin’s thoughts and not Sam’s. It would also be nice to get more description and background. Where are they? What does the house look like? When they share a kiss, what are their surroundings?
You have a good sketch here, you just need to add some color for clarity and depth.
intothewild reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m always amazed and slightly envious when people can handle conversational test so easily, something I’ve certainly never mastered! But you’ve pulled it off with what seems to be a great deal of ease, and the characters you’ve created are chamring and flawed, exactly the way they should be. I loved your mentioning of Griffin stooping to hide his height, a common action in teenage boys, when most people tend to forget, ignore, or simply miss altogether.
I will say I noticed a coupl eof typos, but nothing that another glance over won’t fix, and other than that you have a beautifully structured piece. I hope you keep up with your writing, and with this story. I’ll be watching you closely for future updates!
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