Thank you very much Sandywolf. I’m very sorry it has taken a long while to thank you for your time and efforts in reading this. This is definitely a hard read for less experienced Shakespearean scholars and I’m very impressed you caught the rythym at the very least. :) It’s just a love letter to an imagined “perfect” man and then the realization that there is no use, he can’t reciprocate cuz he doesn’t exist. :P I wrote it after viewing Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night, Or What You Will” on HBO and I just couldn’t stop talking that way for the rest of the day! lol Doth mine laundry say how now to thy dirt so loud? was very silly of me. If you ever view this comedy just go with the flow and don’t try to translate every line, and you’ll still understand. Again I’m very impressed and glad you liked this style of which most would shudder at.
Poetry / " 'Tis With Threnody I Tarry, 'Stead O' Me Marry" (Analysis)
So, I sitteth, longly, talking to favor myself… ‘Tis a common plea, of mine own world ‘tis make-believe…and so begins my privy…
Thinking only: I dialogue to the Glorious Best & figment a man of reluctant rest…
”...And shoulds’t thy decision be precise; to build thy palace absent me, then I beseesh—prithee! Let my vow e’er be!”
O’ vow! “I shall sitteth a good fight ‘pon thy palace walls & decree, ‘til thy life’s heart beats ‘bout me! I wilt woo all manner of creation, the stars too shall I devote ‘til great praise be thoughts bestowed, ‘pon the hearts o’ mine & thine own!”
Ah; to mine gracious floated heart, which causeth even the Creator to set afire Love’s swift enemies… “Be ye true in’t, thine own glove, to exist only too welcome’d… devoured by love…” As a sparrow sitteth to sit or singeth to sing; I longeth to love, to be your cause; my hand thy glove.
“Aye. How now? Sayeth thy sweet sweet promise, I beg thee! O’ let seep from thine ample lips so ready to soar, those sweet sweet words of more!” O’ soar dear heart & taketh life’s breath to live just once in season, grant me ‘pon love’s clouds of shaken reason.
“Alas, Lord God—I thanketh THEE for such sensitivity brush’t, with boldness go my way as such…. My heart of soul, body of mind; these I feel so heavn’ly divine. O’ feelings of much, so intense as this! As if Ye powers ‘pon passion kiss’t.”
And yet… fear riseth in me… “If thou not see’st the point of my finality of final pleas, then eternally I shall picketh this scab from my heart’s own.” O’ that WOUND should bore compliment to new agony, such agony, alone!
O, ‘tis enmity! Does’t thou change into thy clothes from potential tryst to thy throes of wanton trousers beheld of this? “Merciless labels!” As this shirt I’ll not keep heaven sent, for my nakedness now shrouds a ready of embarrassment…
“O ‘list to my heavy hurts, as Patience is ‘pon Moment’s First! Must such notions be so common felt? “Nay! ‘Tis not so common… For if ‘twere common, ‘twould thrice more reveal ‘tself!!”
sigh Still, I shouldest kept better knowledge of fate, than with Love try my negotiate.”
I brace now…less bolder…thy unloved embers grow much colder. “And with this, rise I much older.”
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I couldn’t catch the rythm. Also the way the grammer went was difficult for me to follow. I think if you added more grammer and made it less fragmented it would be easier on the ears/eyes. Overall though I get the messege of the love of Christ. Good inspirational read, I just wish the grammar was better so I could get your point better. All in all good read, but I don’t think it’s publishable yet.
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Poetic, (good, considering it is poetry!) The language is difficult, and my first instinct is to say, “nah, it’s too hard to read, you can’t understand it… Use plain language.” However, after I read it over a few times, I find that it is exciting to read something akin to the language of Shakespeare. What a great opportunity you have to bring that kind/style of writing back!
Hope this is helpful,
Rebecca Reece
It was a little confusing for me, probably because I’m younger, but anyway.
The olde time english style was very pretty, and also truly poetic.
I’d say…
8/10?
It was very nice reading overall.
Very pretty, but very dated. The archaic aphorisms feel more a mimic and less creative than you are obviously capable of putting forth. This style of writing is so outdated, and the arrangement you use plays it out as prose rather than poetry. As for your not having a talent rating that is fine, I think you are very talented to craft this piece flawlessly, but being familiar with the current market everywhere, I don’t think it holds a place in current or future literature. As a play it would work fine with matching or mismatched dialogue. Feel free to email me with more material.
You have done an admirable job with the language here. Still, this is a tough variant of the English language to wield, and I think you might want to go back in and try a second swipe at this. It moves well enough, but there are some overlapping consanations that just tie up the tongue. Now if this was your goal, then, well you have accomplished it. However, if it was not your intent, then you have a little work to do. Overall, I enjoyed this work for its sublime humor and sentimentality, but I think it needs just a bit more polish. Re-read it and see if you don’t concur.
Good luck.
I thought it was very good. my favorite part
“Ah; to mine gracious floated heart, which causeth even the Creator to set afire Love’s swift enemies… “Be ye true in’t, thine own glove, to exist only too welcome’d… devoured by love…” As a sparrow sitteth to sit or singeth to sing; I longeth to love, to be your cause; my hand thy glove.”
the wording very vivid I could see this girl/woman saying these beautiful things in perfect phrases awesome.
I like this, i dont really know a whole lot about poetry, but it flows well and was easy for me to read. The use of old… dialect? not sure if thats really the word, but the language is nice.
Wow, that was a very good imatation of Shakespeare. I could definitely recognize the rhyming where you had placed it. The description of love in this poem was awesome and I especially liked the part where it said “my hand thy glove.” I don’t like reading poetry on this site that much but this was wonderful. For some reason, the title made me think of The Twa Corbies; I know it’s weird but oh well. I absolutely loved it!
sophie
This is a type of poem unfamiliar to me. I gave it my best shot however. I followed the thread and bought the word use. They seems authentic to the time.
if you want a review i think you are talented … if you want an agent maybee you can go read your poetry in person and get feedback offline which could perhaps make more sense than just online from people you dont even know…
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