thank you so much! it was a fun double entendre write…
Poetry / Allium Cepa, My Love
Slowly, ever so slowly, I peel off the layers,
uncover your firm white flesh
and stroke by stroke I make you ready –
you are hard now –
but soon you will simmer till soft.
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
Hope you are well. What cleverness you write with. I love how your mind churns and seeps into mine. Kind of like a cold butter chip on a hot corn cobb…
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WanderingMind reviewed Version 1 -
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To compare the beauty that is sex to an onion strikes me as odd.
This seems like you may have a few things to work on.
Xina reviewed Version 1 -
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Erotic but not vulgar; I like it. I like the use of the “s” sound; it helps the reader slowly read as your actions are going slowly as well. I really like the line “simmer till soft.” It goes with the slowness and the tasteful language you use throughout the poem.
Deathbonewitch reviewed Version 1 -
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Well now, if that isn’t full of inuendos…but anyhow, it might be popular on the side of society that doesn’t have much maturity.
crazyfloyd reviewed Version 1 -
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primal, crude, and cliche.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting poem as it smacks the reader in the face with innuendo until the last line. I’m not smart enough to know what Allium Cepa is, but the friendly people over at wikipedia were happy to explain that it’s your “garden variety” onion.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not poking humor at the poem or the writer. I think it’s very unusual but fascinating that one can draw such succinct allusions between sex and a very common vegetable.
Onions, like lovers, can make you cry. This was a pretty brilliant piece. Good work.
-Curt
VampiresPortrait reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very interesting. I figured maybe by the title it wouldn’t be written like this, but i was surprised. It was a pretty goog piece. i think you should add more to it and make it rhyme.
hesir reviewed Version 1 -
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Very clever… I’m surprised at no reference to tears though, but perhaps that is for the best.
Great.
h.
medicalattache reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve never been so stimulated by the cooking of an onion.
I think that “and” is not totally necessary in the third line.
I am shocked by this short poem’s power. It struck me in in a moving way, and I don’t completely understand why. I would say it needs to be lengthened, but I don’t think I would last much longer.
I would also remove “but” from the last stanza, if I were you. If i were you, though, I would have a great command over the words I use and I probably wouldn’t listen to anything some punk reviewer has to say. Seriously though, if you are using “but” and “and” for pace or to soften the words that follow, you may be right in doing so. I tend to like bold statements without lead-ins, though. That is just my taste.
Keep writing. Great.
danisterror reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagery in this is fantastic. It appeals to the senses very well. As well, the message is clear enough when you stop and think. Good job.
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