Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Believe
Should be dead. It’s Sunday morining and darkness is closing in. I stumble to the wall, cold, keeping me form my freedom. Hitting my head against steel bars to keep you from my mind. Make a decision, leave me here to burn in Hell??? Your dead to me now, just like the rest of the world.
Someone came to visit that day. I lifted my head to see the light of a 1000 angels, and turned away. He picked me up and showed me the world. “Show me when I can really believe.” The sky a darkend and I heard screams from behind. I spun around to see a cross with a man come up from the ground. His hands and feet had been nailed to the wood. He had a crown of thorns stuck down into his head. He was sweating blood and looked like he had been beaten and torn. He was choking himself and only breathed when he could. I turned back around to where the man should of been, but no one. When the chaos was over I walked to the cross. They had stuck a spear through his side and had bled to the ground. I lifted my head again to see the face of the man who had come to get me out of my prison.
Three days later I went to the tomb. Instead there where two angels. ” Do not be afraid for this is the day the day that Jesus will rise to the heavens.” As I stepped out of the tomb I saw a crowd and he rose to the clouds, disapeared.
“This is what I should believe.”
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Before I began writing, I looked back to the beginning of the piece and realized the author is thirteen years old. That changes--somewhat--what I will write…while maintaining honesty.
First and foremost, the spelling must become better. I know most folks say “Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, and all that other jazz,” but, for me, it’s a huge turn-off when words are not spelled correctly—especially when someone is posting for others to judge.
Secondly--and last--I understand you were attempting to get deep as all get-out--and, in a way, you do--however, do your best to remain clear…even as you’re trying to twist our minds. You want us, the Readers, to nod our heads and squint as we read—not frown.
Now, all of that being said, I think you do have a future in this here game. That you’re able to post your writing at such a young age is something in and of itself. Sincerely. Also, you have a high cerebral IQ (not quite sure what that sentence means, but I think it says exactly what I want it to say).
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Grammar is a problem with your piece as well as mispellings. This needs to be edited for both. Also your piece is scattershot. It has no clear line of logic from thought to thought. This doesn’t work at all. It is not even a story. Your character is no one… just pieces of thought with no orgin. There is no conflict, no resolution, no movement. It is more like a retelling of a dream sequence. This could be a small scene of a bigger piece or even a blog… but not a story. To be a story there has to be a character that can be related to by the reader. There has to be a conflict and a resolution and there has to be movement from point a to point b.
Whoa! This is something that opened my eyes , I wanted to Believe in something today and now I’m leaving with some inspiration today. Were you an Atheist before coming across this story/enlightenment ? I’m not judging you but to be changed like that is really something….
I love how this was a sour situaition that turned into a blessing ,you were good with describing What Jesus looked like when he was crusified. It was so great to imagion that I was there too ,because everyone can feel terrible like this. Thinking how heven must be was something I only dream of . Great work!
Keep up the good work! -SMK
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