Kim did exist in his past, but not in this scene. Here she is a living memory, a dream, a ghost, or an angel. However, the reader wishes to interpret it. Thank you very much for the review. I am glad that you enjoyed this piece.
Short Story / A DREAM GIRL'S PARTING KISS
Alex rolled over and tried to get comfortable, then he saw her. There she sat on top of his standing clothes locker in his barracks room. Still groggy with sleep, the logic, or lack thereof, of seeing Kim in his barracks room did not even enter his mind. With him sleeping on the top rack of the bunk bed in his barracks room, Kim was now sitting at his level. Embarrassed by his morning appearance, he tried to comb his black head of hair with his strong tanned hands. His dark eyes quickly glanced down over his body and made sure the white sheets covered up his white boxers. Still trying to understand what he was seeing, he looked back up at her. She was sitting cross-legged in some old faded blue jeans and a light pink button up shirt. She had Asian features with light brown freckles, tanned skin, shiny black curly shoulder length hair and beautiful grey eyes. He hadn’t seen her in about four years and yet, somehow here she was.
As Kim adjusted her legs, Alex noticed a small tear along the seam of her pants along the outside of her upper thigh. He could see that she was wearing silky lavender underwear. She did not seem to notice his small peek into her hidden world. He caught a whiff of her soft rose-scented perfume. Kim just smiled her wonderful smile with her luscious lips, which were only lightly colored with a pink lip gloss. She never was one to wear a lot of make-up, but then again she didn’t have to. Kim had a very natural beauty to her. His eyes found hers and they locked their gazes upon each other.
“So how have you been? It has been a long time. How has the Navy been treating you? Is this military life anything like what they taught us in JROTC?” Kim asked.
“Well most of the lessons that we learned there, have helped me here. You know, I really have missed you. Every time I see a couple in the movie theatre, I think of the time that we should have spent together as a couple. I kick myself every single day for all of the missed opportunities that I had back in high school to ask you out. I think of you when I am having rough times. I think of your friendship and how we used to hang out in the high school stadium after the football games. I can remember the last of the lights going out on those Friday nights and then walking you across the field of dark green grass in the night’s cool air, through the gate, and then all the way home. I can still see the glowing grey moonlit sidewalks that we took as we talked. We would talk about what our schedule was going to be for the next week for JROTC, and whether or not we had our uniforms ready for the next weekly uniform inspection. In the very next breath, we would talk about your personal life or mine. There was nothing that we couldn’t share, except for those few dark moments when we spoke of your grandfather. He was raising you, but you always shied away from talking about your home life. I guess I couldn’t really blame you though. I never really wanted to talk about my home life either. I didn’t want you to see the unhappy life of the broken home that I had. We always found something to talk about though. I miss those evenings,” Alex recalled.
He watched Kim’s gaze drift off as she appeared to remember the good old days of her youth. “I remember when you and I would go out into the desert and compete in those high school orienteering competitions. You were like a mountain goat, running through the boulders to find every point in order and race back to the original start point to win. I was always amazed at how you never seemed to fall or slow down. You had the grace and speed of a mountain lion. Do you remember the time when we went up to Cottonwood Springs and spent the day up there? It was hidden away in that small valley in the mountains. We had that little picnic next to the trickling waters of that natural mountain spring. We ate beef jerky, corn nuts, and sandwiches. We had plenty of crisp, cool water to drink and a wonderful view of the city. That was one of those days that I will always remember. In fact, during many hard times in my life, I would escape to that day at the picnic. My only regret was that you never tried to kiss me. I just wished that you had been strong and brave enough to lean forward and kiss me. But, you never did.” Kim said sadly.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEEP!
Alex’s heart felt heavy with regret, as he rolled over and hit the alarm’s snooze button behind him. Ready to apologize for never taking the chance, he rolled back over and Kim was gone. He could still smell the light scent of her perfume. There was no way that this could have been a dream, but there was no way that this could have been real.
Alex rose and rested on his elbow. He then realized that today was the day of his final academic exam. He also knew that this test was to be his hardest qualification exam, which he fully expected to fail. He had run across too many barriers in this course that he barely passed. This was the biggest barrier he had to face to complete this course. Today would be his last day in this school. After this day, he was sure that the Navy would get rid of him and send him home. He would no longer have a job and he had nowhere left to turn. Still he got into the shower and put on a freshly pressed uniform. At least it was a nice bright, sunny morning.
In the classroom, the test began. Two and half hours later, he turned in his exam paper and went to the head to go relieve his aching bladder. His anger and frustration welled up inside of him. He punched the walls of the stall with his bare fists, over and over again. He hated failing. He hated losing. Fifteen minutes later, he walked out of the head with swelling hands. It was time to meet his fate.
Back in the classroom, the instructor asked all those that failed to report to the main office upon having their names called. He called 13 of 30 names and then stopped. Alex looked up. The instructor was beginning to put his things away. At first Alex was confused, then he realized that he had passed. It didn’t matter by how much. At that moment, Alex noticed a light scent of rose perfume and then, almost in a whisper, he heard Kim say, “Never give up on a dream, always try and ask for the kiss!”
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avedis reviewed Version 2 -
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There is a good story hidden in here. The trouble is, you have skimmed over most of it at lightening speed. Instead of reading the story, we hear mainly two or three monologues telling us what it could have been.
The sudden appearance of Kim, and the matter of fact way Alex accepts it, OK I can accept that. Even her rapid fire set of questions, OK. But for him to go down memory lane in a monologue just kills it all.
Here are some suggestions.
The section where Kim first speaks, break ip u with his responses. I’ll present this in script form, you can liven it up;
Kim,”So how have you been?”
Alex, “Well,.....”
She continued as though he hadn’t spoken, “It has been a long time. How has the Navy been treating you?”
Alex, “OK, but…”
Kim, “Is this military life anything like what they taught us in JROTC?”
She sat silently staring at him, as though content just to see him and not expecting any answers. He remembered….....
Now instead of a monologue, tell the story of their school days.
Then, bring us back to the barracks with Kim finally speaking again;
He watched Kim’s gaze drift off as she appeared to remember the good old days of her youth. “I remember when….
As Alex listened, he relived that time through her eyes,...
I think you will find this approach will work much better.
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omahadick reviewed Version 2 -
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I like these characters, but I don’t feel I get to know them very well in this piece. I hear about their history, but it’s told in a very exposition style. As soon as they see each other, they both launch into gigantic speeches about how they feel, what they remember, what parts of each other’s lives they heard about, their regrets, etc. These are things that people don’t talk about in such large chunks.
I think developing the speeches into actual dialogue would really help this piece. You did a good job at creating the characters. I wanted to know why Kim came to see Alex. Why did she run away? Was this all a dream? I am intrigued with the story, but I feel I have now been left hanging. Bit unsatisfying.
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this story. It was a wonderful fable. I loved how you described the girl. I could see her floating next to his bunk and waiting to speak with him.
Favorite Line:
1. She did not seem to notice his small peek into her hidden world.
Favorite description of Emotion:
2. His anger and frustration welled up inside of him. He punched the walls of the stall with his bare fists, over and over again. He hated failing. He hated losing. [I could feel his despair over such possibilities. The reaction was real and common to most]
Well written. I couldn’t fault anything in this story. I give it perfect 10’s!
Smile,
PrincessC
VoicesInMyHead reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good write. Was it a dream? Did Kim actually existed. I believe her to be a guardian angel that instilled confidence in Alex without him knowing. From this his confidence will grow and he will become a much better man as a result of it. I love how you set up the story and how you gave us enough of Alex to let us know his predicament. I love the lesson he learned at the end and how he will grow and become better. Very good job.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a sweet story. It’s an easy read and has a feel good quality about it. I doubt it will win a Pulitzer, but good stuff.
Despit that, it still left me looking for something more. Maybe because the maxim it expresses has been done so many, many times.
Even the characters are reminiscent of others where the haunting image of a former lover, friend, wife, mother,dad returns to encourage the narrator as they take a final exam, climb a mountain or otherwise conquer some mental, physical or metaphysical hurtle.
Nice story but lacks much originality. Of course, some stories wear well and perhaps this will become one of them.
groovieknave reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it, although the dialogue went on a little long, it was kind of a warm fuzzy story. Even though, him passing a test was kind of… dull. I’d recommend splitting up the dialogue a bit and giving us some more imagery between.
Also developing the characters early was kind of a drag, it was slow going even though it’s a short story. But at least you did some character development unlike most people writing on Urbis.
I’m also guessing this girl died? Would be nice to know or if she was a ghost or just a memory and is still alive. I don’t know, I wasn’t sure.
Anyway, cute story, keep writing!
blakdove reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed this piece, from the beginning it sparked my interests and kept it. If I had to say anything I would try to make the dream in the beginning more real by describing how she was looking at you, if you were uncomfortable or not and or if their was any uneasiness or not, for a few examples. Just real it up. The Last sentence wasn’t good for me though, it was to obvious, and try and ask? either try or not basically if you ask thats a try right? anyway you are working with something good play with the beginning and the end and you’ll be good.
AnnaElizabeth reviewed Version 2 -
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Well I thought this was an interesting read, it was meaningful and kept my attention. Your descriptions could use some work though. Some times you go into too much detail in the dialogue and sometimes you do not describe a scene well. Some parts are too fast and some are too slow. I know that YOU can see everything clearly in your mind’s eye, but what about me, the reader? I can only see what you give me and if that is not alot, it doesn’t look very profesional. But other than that you have a good topic. Edit and re-edit! And then re-edit it again! Make it sound perfect right down to the minute details and then it will be publishable.
MrShyRockstar reviewed Version 2 -
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This is really good but I got very confused. Had Kim really been there or was she just in his subconsious? Also you used ‘barracks’(Sp) in the beginning of your story a little too much, your readers will know that he is in that room so you dont have to repeat it so much. Also you jumped from the ‘dream’ to the ‘test’ to fast, it got a little confusing, and the last line of the story was also confusing, why did she say that when he had just realized he past the test? See that makes no sense, how does the test even fit in? I dont understand. So yeah, just be a little more clear maybe, but otherwise great story. Love the descriptions and stuff.
HollyHobart reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this story, I’m glad it includes a positive message for the readers. It’s well written and will holds the readers attention. The only thing I would think about is
” He was raising you, but you always shied away from talking about your home life. I guess I couldn’t really blame you though. I never really wanted to talk about my broken-home life either. I didn’t want you to see the unhappy life I had. ”
I feel like the word life is used too many time. The first and last seem okay, I would nip the second.
Again, great story. I look forward to reading more of you work.
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