Poetry / Protagonist Bill

Interesting piece. I’m not sure why you refer to this as “dark”—it doesn’t feel dark. It does feel like a small slice of life, or a moment in time. Overall, I’m a fan of such pieces and I’m not typically one to suggest that a piece needs more content or some “fleshing out”. However, this one likely does.

I’m not sure what to make of the character in the piece…I don’t know anything about him other than the fact that he is smoking cheap cigars. That would potentially be OK if I knew what his actions were supposed to symbolize or the significance of the sun coming out. Is it night time, or is it coming out from behind the clouds? Does Bill represent the dark, evil side of life—or is it nothing so sinister.

In all, a few more lines may make a huge difference in this piece and solidify the scene and the message.

Some brief, specific comments:
1) I’d remove “the” from the second line. It isn’t really necessary unless the author wants us to know that there is some significance in the specific type of cigar—but that isn’t part of the imagery as it stands.
2) The fourth line is awkward and should likely contain a “for” after “sits”, unless the author is intentionally using a Southern (or at least small time) vernacular style.

I hope this helps. Stay with it.

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September 05, 2007

by planetaryexit

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18	M	Canton, NC	December 27

Wow hands down the best review I have ever received. The fourth line is in fact a southern style because I feel as if I need to pay some tribute to the culture that I live in. You are also right in thinking that this needs to become longer thats a work in progress that comes after schoolwork. As for the philosophical meaning of this work I have to also work on that. Good luck to ya.

September 05, 2007

by horse

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40	M	Plano, TX	November 03

I’m glad it was helpful.

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This poem like those snapshots of ordinary people that photographers get awards for. Or at least it seems to me. The second line is a bit off and it makes things a little lopsided, like there’s a noose around its top. Maybe he should be “smoking one of those cheap cigars”. I think that’ll bring more balance to the table.