I understand where your coming from. But I still don’t understand why the conversations don’t sound real! I need more from you. please help!!!
Short Story / The Goddess Realm Part of Chapter One
Chapter One
My sister Emily and I anticipated summer vacation for a long time. Now it was finally here, and all the pleasures of television and sleeping late were gone. Now this was part of our regular routine, and everything was boring.
The afternoon sun was especially hot today, making me feel as if I were living in a dry desert rather than Baton Rouge. The soft hiss of sprinklers in the neighbor’s yard made me wish I could go swimming. The community pool was over two miles away and I was sure it would be packed. I didn’t feel like walking to the Dairy Queen and our fridge had been with out ice cream for days.
Not even the animals could escape the heat. Not one bird took flight that day. Instead they chose to rest in the shade of the neighbor’s oak trees our yard had been deprived of.
The only disturbance in the air was the occasional breeze that drifted through the open window. Our air conditioner was broken, leaving the air in the house as humid and stuffy as outside.
I sat at the kitchen table, trying to think of something to occupy myself. Emily stepped into the room with the news paper tucked under her arm.
“I have something that will solve all our problems,” she said, spreading the sheets of paper over the flowered table cloth. I took one of the sheets and groaned unhappily. “No, not again.”
Emily had tried to get me to go to a camp since the day school let out. “But Sarah,” she slid a chair out from under the table and sat down next to me.“It’s so boring here. I mean all we do is complain. And it’s too hot! You could fry and egg on the sidewalk!”
“Its summer, it’s supposed to be hot,” I replied flatly.
“Oh come on!” she begged, suddenly cross, “All we’ve done so far is watch those stupid soap operas with Mom! Do you really want that to be the high light of your summer?”
“Look,” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Its not that I don’t want to go, believe me I’d much rather be in the wilderness than here. It’s just that…”
“What?” Emily asked her voice full of concern.
I sighed again and sat up, crossing my arms, “You know Dad would rather let himself get eaten by a shark than let us out of his sight for a week.”
“You don’t know that for sure. He might be more than happy to send us off to New York or San Francisco.” She grinned, brushing her blonde hair out of her face.
“No,” I said slowly, “What’s the point of asking him? You know he’ll say no!”
“You bet I will,” said Dad, walking into the kitchen and sitting down beside me, “What am I saying ‘no’ to?”
He wiped his forehead with a hand towel and took off his tool belt, which had been around his waist. His gray shirt was wet with sweat and his usually neat brown hair was now matted and messy.
“Daddy,” Emily said in a sweet voice. I knew she was trying hard to sound like a five year old. “Can we go to the most fabulous camp ever?”
Dad sighed; he’d been through this almost every day. “Now before you say anything, let me tell you a little bit about it.”
She picked up a paper with some circled and crossed out articles. “Camp Truce,” she began, “This camp encourages special abilities and talents. It is guaranteed to unmask your child’s unique qualities. Beginning on Monday, June 15, and ending on Saturday, June 20. This camp is open to children ages 13 to 18. The camp bus is at Calico Bus Station and—”
“Enough,” he ordered holding up his hand, “Girls there are some things you just aren’t old enough for.”
“Dad that’s insane!” Emily shouted standing up, “We’ll be 14 in October! You know you can’t hold onto us forever!” Emily’s face tuned red with anger.
“Emily Marie Rhodel,” He started to raise his voice but quickly lowered it, “You can’t go to that camp! You’re much too young.”
“But there are kids younger than six and they go to camp!” Emily whined.
“You aren’t other kids, you are my daughters and you’ll do as I say!” He pushed his chair back, snatched his tool belt from the table and stormed into the living room.
“I told you so,” I added, coolly, “But no you just wouldn’t listen.”
Emily pursed her lips. Maybe I’d taken the teasing a little too far. “Oh come on. Don’t be mad,” I tried to make her sit down again. She did, but folded her arms and pouted.
“I don’t want this to be another stupid, boring summer with nothing to do,” she said, tensely, “I’m sick of being treated like a little kid!” She bit her bottom lip angrily. Before I could stop her, Emily ran into the living room.
Dad was sitting in an arm chair, looking at an instruction manual. “So… um, how’s the air conditioner coming?” Emily asked, nervously. Her confidence and anger had somehow melted away in her quest to get on his good side.
He peered at her from behind his big round reading glasses. A look of annoyance swept over his face. “What do you want this time?” he asked, examining the manual in his hand.
Emily took a deep breath, “Can we—”
“No,” he interrupted.
“But you didn’t even know what I was going to say!”
“That sounded like your ‘can we go to camp’ voice,” he responded, not even bothering to look up.
“Okay, so you did know what I was going to say,” she replied, sitting on our lumpy green couch. “But I still don’t get why we can’t go.”
“Because I said so,” he replied, sounding as if the answer were obvious.
“That’s not an answer,” she pointed out, frustrated. I knew that Emily would keep pushing Dad until she got what she wanted. Emily could argue all day and night if she had to.
My twin sister and I were always fighting. Most of the time Emily won. She had a knack for twisting your words around and using them against you. She was stubborn and an expert liar.
I, on the other hand, prefer not to complicate things. I’m more laid back. I knew that the only way Dad would allow us to go anywhere, was if he was with us.
There just wasn’t any sense in trying to reason with him. I would gladly go to this camp, but our father just couldn’t bear to let us grow up.
I’d tried many times to get him to let me go to the movies by myself or to let me walk to my friend’s house, but no mater how hard I begged, Dad was all ways in the next seat or driving me two blocks away. Why even try any more?
“Emily,” he sounded tiered, like he was about to give in.
She stuck her tongue out at me, as if to say, “I told you so”.
Then in one sentence Emily’s confidence was crushed, “You can’t go to Camp Truce,” he insisted, turning back to the instructions.
Emily looked as if she couldn’t believe her ears, “What?” she asked blankly.
“You’re not going,” he answered, firmly.
“You’re totally not being fair! You always do this! Why can’t we go to camp? The worst thing that could happen is that we run out of snacks on the bus ride! What are you so afraid of! Nothing bad will happen to us! We aren’t made of porcelain! There is nothing to be afraid of!” Emily sat back down on the couch, breathing heavily and looking pretty satisfied.
If only she’d known how wrong she was. Dad looked taken aback. He stared at Emily as if she were a ghost. I couldn’t believe what she’d said.
Clearly our father was unable to think of a response. He looked so sad, as if Emily had just killed someone!
Suddenly, the light bulbs exploded! The lamp shade on the table beside me flew across the room as the light underneath it busted into tiny little pieces.
The chandelier came crashing down on the kitchen table as all seventeen of its flower shaped lights blew up.
The ceiling fan fell onto the coffee table, sending glass and pieces of plastic everywhere. I covered my face and hugged my knees, hoping I wouldn’t be cut.
Through my fingers I could still see a blue spark that ran across the wire from our TV. Then everything was dark. I herd Mom coming down the stairs behind us. “Is everyone alright?” she called.
There was moment of silence before I finally said, “Yeah… we’re fine.” The only light came from the covered windows. I watched as the outline of my dad groped his way to the windows and pulled back the curtains, filling the room with sun light.
“Oh great now we have no lights and no air conditioner! What else could go wrong?” Emily asked. She didn’t seem to wonder what had just happened.
“Hey Mom,” I turned to see her leaning against the post on the bottom step. “What happened to the lights?”
I regretted asking this after a deadly silence took over the room. “I’m not sure,” she replied. Her teeth were clenched in frustration and she stared straight at Dad as if they were speaking in code. Her face looked gray in pale light.
Realizing I was staring at her, Mom quickly changed the subject. “I herd shouting, what’s going on?” Her expression altered to a worried look.
“Dad doesn’t want us to grow up,” I replied bitterly.
She sat down beside me, but didn’t avert her eyes from Dad. “Andy, you can’t hold on forever,” she told him softly.
Dad started pacing in the dark corner of the room, his shoes crunching on the glass scattered over the floor.
“Samantha, they’re much too young,” he said, I could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm.
“You knew this day would come,” she pointed out.
“Are you saying you want them there?” he accused, his voice rising. He stopped pacing and pulled her to her feet. He squeezed her shoulders and whispered, “There has to be some other way. Why does it have to our daughters?”
I couldn’t understand why they were making such a big deal about this. It was just camp! I glanced over at my sister. Emily looked as confused as I was.
Mom pulled away, looking very disappointed, “Are you saying they aren’t good enough? That they aren’t ready?”
“No I’m saying I’m not ready!” he replied.
Not ready for what? I wondered. Emily and I exchanged glances. I had a feeling we were both thinking the same thing.
Secrets! If there was one thing that really made me mad, it was secrets. Both of us were very curious about everything. We couldn’t stand it when we knew someone was keeping a secret.
My friends could get me to do anything by saying ‘I know something you don’t know.’ Even if I knew they were lying, I couldn’t help but do their bidding in hopes they’d tell me what they knew.
Three years ago, I went to my cousin’s 7th birthday party. I’d been forced to hug a clown so she’d tell me whether or not she liked my gift! That was a big deal because I absolutely hate clowns!
In 5th grade, Emily nearly choked a kid for not telling her a stupid secret about who liked who! Our parents knew secrets drove us crazy. And here they were practically telling us they had a secret.
“I think we should talk about this later,” Mom whispered. She turned to us; a fake smile nearly split her face in two.
“Girls,” she started, her voice full of disappointment, as if she were sending us over seas and never to return. She took a seat next to us, her hands clasped tightly on her lap.
I was so anxious to hear what she wanted to say, every second crept by. She sighed like she was going to deliver bad news. “When we get the lights repaired you should go up stairs and pack.” She smiled, “The bus to camp leaves tomorrow.”
“Yes!” Emily shouted excitedly, pumping her fist into air.
“Calm down,” I told her, making a face. Emily has always been the spastic twin. She would do just about anything to have fun. She enjoyed being loud and was very outspoken.
It didn’t mater who she was speaking to. In the third grade, she was nearly expelled for telling a teacher that she didn’t want to write a paragraph about what was fun about school. I’d hidden my face in embarrassment as she’d informed our class on how boring school really was.
Of course, I too, have told teachers mean things, but they weren’t as bad as what Emily had done. “Sorry,” she replied, “I’m just so happy our parents are letting us have lives!”
I hushed her, eyeing mom and dad.
“Uh, hello, we’re right here,” Dad told her, laughing. We hurried upstairs, calling “good night” to our parents on the way.
I opened my window, letting the sun light pour in. I found my suitcase in my closet and packed enough clothes for the week.
Suddenly, the lights came on, blinding me for a moment. I blinked rapidly to force my eyes to get used to it. I stood and searched through my top dresser drawer, tossing out notebooks and pictures and other things I’d stuffed in it.
I finally pulled out my iPod. My ear phones and a piece of wire came out with it. I untangled the ear phones and placed them in my suitcase.
I rummaged in my drawer and found my favorite book, Creatures of Roman and Greek Mythology. I enjoyed reading it and found it very fascinating to learn about magical creatures.
I laid it on top of my red shirt and continued searching for things I couldn’t go without. I jump over my suitcase and to my closed door. Hanging on the back of it was my push pin board.
It was covered in pictures. I moved the one of Emily and I sitting on the front porch drinking soda and lifted the pictures of us at the Zoo with a baby tiger. I finally found the picture I was looking for.
It was a picture of my boyfriend, Ben, leaning against the front door of my house. I remembered him coming over on Halloween to wish me a happy birthday. We’d been going out for about a year.
Of course my father didn’t approve of me having a boyfriend. He said that thirteen years old was much too young. Luckily Mom was there to save my birthday and allowed me to see him.
I hadn’t kissed him yet. I knew Dad would go crazy if I did. We couldn’t go anywhere without someone saying, “Aw look how cute! Sarah has a little boyfriend.”
I pulled the push pin out of the board and put the picture safely in my secret pocket. I zipped the suitcase and stood it outside the door. Dad could get it in the morning.
“Sarah! Your boyfriend is here!” Emily’s voice drifted up the stairs.
“Ben!” I raced downstairs, two at a time, stopping at a mirror at the landing to check my hair, and ran into the kitchen to open the door.
“Hey,” I said, moving aside so he could come in. Strangely, he didn’t budge. He stood on the front porch with his hands deep in his jeans pockets, the porch light revealing a solemn expression on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, stepping out onto the porch and shutting the door.
“I’m moving,” he replied, staring down at his tennis shoes.
“What? No way. You’re kidding.” Ben was always joking around and being stupid. This had to be one of his tricks. “No,” he replied, still not looking at me, “We leave for Chicago tomorrow.”
“Chicago?” I exclaimed. Now I knew he was being serious.
“Well my dad got transferred… I was going to tell you but—”
“Wait a minuet,” I said, “How long have you known about this?”
“A week, maybe two,” he answered, looking up for the first time.
“Two weeks! Why didn’t you tell me?” I was really starting to get angry.
“I wanted to, I just didn’t know how,” he responded.
“Well I don’t know,” I replied sarcastically, “Oh, here’s a thought, how about, ‘Sarah, I’m moving in two weeks’.”
“Look it’s not the easiest thing in the world to say,” he snapped.
“So you waited ‘til tonight to tell me?”
“Well I didn’t want you to be upset!” he yelled, glaring at me from cold blue eyes. This was our first fight, the first time he’d raised his voice.
It felt strange, being mad at him. He’d never stopped cracking jokes and was almost never serious. He could always find a way to make me laugh even when I didn’t want to.
I hated being angry with him but I couldn’t help it. There he was telling me he was moving across the country. I knew he’d say that we could still be friends but we both knew that wouldn’t happen.
“Listen, I gotta go help pack. I can come back here in the morning if you want.” His expression remained blank. It was clear he didn’t want to come back and see me.
I didn’t care. I shook my head, “No. Don’t come back here. Have fun in Chicago.” I tore open the door, ran inside and slammed it in his face.
The glass rattled in the door as I watched the blurred figure of my ex boyfriend jog down the driveway. “What happened?” Emily asked, stopping beside me and watching him too, “Why’s he leaving?”
“His dad got transferred to Chicago,” I replied bitterly, “He just told me about it and he’s leaving tomorrow!” I ran upstairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me.
I took Ben’s picture and ripped it in half, tossing the pieces in the trash can by my bed. I hid my face in a pillow but I was too angry to cry.
Ben wants me to cry, I realized. That’s exactly what he thinks I should do! I sat up and threw the pillow against the wall. It bounced off and landed in front of the door.
I fell back onto another pillow and turned to my bedside table. I picked up my alarm clock and set it for 6:00 AM. Then I noticed another picture in a green frame.
Ben and I were at the movies, sitting on a bench. I was smiling so big that it looked like my face would pop! If I’d know that four months later he’d break up with me, my smile wouldn’t even be an issue. I groaned and pushed it on the floor.
I heard the crack of the frame but I didn’t care. I rolled over and faced the wall. Surprisingly, I was excited for camp. I shouldn’t be sad over a guy, I thought. I would have fun tomorrow no mater what.
Before I knew it, I was asleep and enjoying a great dream. I was having fun at camp while Ben was stuck in boring, cold Chicago.
Ben was standing at a bus stop in the rain. A car sped by, splashing him with mud. He looked miserable and cold, wearing only rags. The rain poured over him and cars continued to pass.
A sign appeared in his hand, Will work for food. He was starving! “Sarah,” he said, barely over a whisper, “Wake up.” I was being shaken awake from the best dream I’d had in years!
“Mom!” I said in annoyance.
“Come on, get up,” she replied, smiling, “Come on. It’s time to go.” She was sitting beside me, still shaking me.
I turned over and shut my eyes again, hoping to catch some more of the dream. “Sarah, wake up!” she ordered crossly. I opened my eyes again, pretending to start getting up.
Mom was already dressed. She had on a blue shirt and khaki pants. Her hair hung over her shoulders in long dark curls. Then I remembered camp and quickly got up.
Mom said that breakfast was in ten minuets and that we’d leave afterwards. “Oh and can you wake up your sister?” she called walking downstairs.
“Yeah,” I replied, pulling on some jeans and dropping my night shirt on the floor. I opened my closet and got my light green tee and flip flops.
I jumped as my alarm clock went off. I hurried to stop it and accidentally stepped on the picture of Ben and me. I could hardly see the picture through the cracked glass.
Careful not to touch the glass, I picked it up and put it in the trash can. I sat on my window seat, and watched the sun turn the sky a pale blue as it rose from behind the houses. Soon the sun illuminated everything; golden rays of morning sunshine spread throughout the sky.
I forced myself up and went into Emily’s room. I opened the door and felt on the wall for the light switch. Emily was still sleeping. Her blue bed spread was pulled over her head.
Emily could sleep through just about anything. Regardless of how hyper she was, she’d never pass up the opportunity to sleep in and it seemed to me that she’d sleep through a fire if no one came to wake her up.
I crossed over to her bed, stepping over clothes that she’d thrown on the floor. “Emily, wake up,” I said, as I pulled her covers to the foot of the bed. If it weren’t for the steady rise and fall of her chest, she would’ve looked dead to those who didn’t know her.
Her blonde hair was messy and knotted. She lay motionless with her eyes shut. Obviously she hadn’t heard me. “Emily!” I yelled.
She shot up; nearly rolling out of bed. “What the heck was that for?” she asked, finally sitting up.
“Well I had to find out if you were dead or not,” I replied, grinning, “Now hurry up and get dressed, we leave for camp after breakfast.”
Suddenly full of energy, she jumped out of bed and changed into some shorts and a brown shirt. She slipped on some flip flops and brushed her hair.
When we were both ready we hurried into the kitchen where Mom was cooking chocolate chip muffins.
We sat at the table waiting to eat. Dad sat in his usual chair, reading the morning paper. We could finally enjoy air conditioning now that he’d fixed it.
“So, are you sure you want to go to this camp?” asked Dad, folding his news paper and setting it by his plate.
“Yes Dad, we’re sure,” I replied, rolling my eyes in annoyance.
“Well I mean, do you really want to go now? We could wait six or seven years.” There was just no stopping him! He’d keep asking until he ruined our summer for good.
“Yes Dad, we’re going this year,” Emily answered in a bored voice.
“Andy, stop bothering them,” Mom said, putting a hot plate of muffins in the center of the table.
It was quiet all through breakfast. The silence pressed heavily against my ears, making me question whether I was watching one of those silent films.
I let my mind wander to the night before when the lights exploded. I remembered the strange conversation my parents had. My thoughts seemed entwined around each other, making it impossible for me to formulate questions. Words were clouded in uncertainty. I felt I was drowning in fear of what I’d find out. I was desperate for answers but I knew there was little chance of getting them.
Soon after breakfast we all crammed into the car and headed for the bus station. “Are we there yet?” I questioned for the thousandth time. Dad was deliberately driving under the speed limit.
“No,” he replied, turning a corner onto Range Road.
“Could you drive any slower?” asked Emily sarcastically.
“What makes you think I’m going slowly?” he asked.
“People are passing us on bicycles,” I replied, watching a small girl ridding down the sidewalk.
He sped up a little but not much. The car continued down the road; finally pulling into a parking lot. He stopped the car and turned off the ignition.
I rolled down the window and stared out at the vast, empty lot. “Are you sure we’re at the right place?” I asked.
“Yep this is the place. Your father and I both went to Camp Truce when we were your age,” Mom replied, beaming with the joy that we got to do the same thing they did.
“Yeah well I’m sure a lot has change since then,” Dad added, his voice filled with false happiness.
“But not too much,” Mom shot back in the same fake tone.
“Whatever, all I know is that there are like no cars here,” Emily added, biting her bottom lip the way she always did when she was upset or worried.
“Don’t worry, there will be,” Mom assured her.
“What are you talking about? How do you…” Suddenly, the parking lot was packed with cars. A long charter bus was parked on one side and kids were already loading onto it. How could this be? A second ago we’d been the only car there!
“How did you know…? Where did they…? But there was…” Emily couldn’t even complete her sentences. I was so confused and began to wonder if this camp thing had made me and my family crazy!
Our parents didn’t seem at all fazed by this. They acted as if it were an everyday occurrence for cars to appear out of nowhere.
“You’ll understand soon,” Mom promised, “Before you leave, I have something I want to give you.”
Suddenly, a golden box materialized in her lap! “Mom… how’d you do that?” I asked in astonishment. The box appeared out of thin air!
“Don’t worry about that,” she added softly, “Open this.” She thrust the heavy box into my hands.
Solid gold! Emily and I exchanged glances. “Samantha, are you sure?” I heard Dad whisper. I slid one finger under the lid and pulled it back.
I gasped as I saw its contents. Surrounded by red velvet were the two most beautiful necklaces I ever laid eyes on.
The bus driver honked the horn and someone yelled into a megaphone, “Bus leaves in five minuets.”
Dad hurried to get our suitcases out of the trunk and loaded them onto the storage compartment. Hundreds of kids climbed onto the bus and hundreds more were still saying their goodbyes.
Mom opened my door and motioned for us to get out. I lingered a moment, still staring at the necklaces. Mom took the box as we stepped out. She handed one of the necklaces to Dad and he tied it around my neck.
When he let go, I felt strange. As if this golden necklace with a flower on it was somehow… part of me.
I wondered if Emily felt the same. Mom finished tying her necklace and gave Emily a little push towards the bus. “Why are we getting these?” asked Emily, “Our birthday isn’t until October.”
“We’ve had them since you were born,” Dad placed a hand on my shoulder and another on Emily’s, steering us toward the bus.
Then I realized I didn’t want to go. I wanted answers! Why were they acting to strange? Why was Dad so reluctant to let us leave? Why did I feel so strange with this necklace? Did Emily feel the same? What caused the lights to explode? Why did they choose today to give these to us? I knew that if I set foot on that bus; I’d have to wait for the answers.
In all my life I’d never had so many pressing questions. As I hugged Mom, I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. A golden moon shape hung from the chain that was always around her neck. My mother had always been so secretive about this necklace, only revealing the chain and keeping the charm under her shirt.
Before I knew it, I was being pushed onto the bus by a gloved hand. The lady with the megaphone shoved Emily and I into a seat, “You’ll have to be faster than that if you want to go to Camp Truce,” she explained.
“I swear this keeps getting weirder and weirder every minuet,” Emily whispered when she was gone.
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learning2fly reviewed Version 4 -
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Let me start by saying that you show amazing discipline in your writing for someone so young. Your story, so far, is believable, well structured and easily understood. Most importantly, it is interesting. I would not be overly concerned about spelling and grammar at this point. If you have a university somewhere near by, you may be able to get some free help from some of the journalism students there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from them; just don’t let them take your words. This is your story and, where good advice is always helpful, don’t let it change the original integrity of your work.
I did have one nagging question as I read that you might want to address; where’s Mom?
Keep going! I look forward to your updated version.
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TLBodine reviewed Version 4 -
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Obviously this is just part of the first chapter, so I’m not going to comment much on structure, especially since I don’t know exactly where in the chapter this piece lies. I don’t have much idea of exactly where it’s headed yet, but that’s OK because you’ve introduced a conflict and characters, so there’s action and motion and forward drive—all good things to have in a first chapter. So far, so good.
The dialogue is reading a little too stiff for me. It doesn’t sound like real people talking so much as just a vehicle for plot development. Remember that our conversations are mostly dominated by things we don’t say, and that dialogue can be a great way to introduce us to characters; in between spoken lines, give us more idea of what these characters are doing, what they’re thinking. The way your narrator describes things--like the expressions on people’s faces--will give insight into everyone’s character. Also, anchoring the dialogue more strongly in action and thought will make this read more smoothly and lend some realism to it.
In terms of the dialogue itself, it’s hard to explain how to write good dialogue; it takes some studying of conversation and the natural rhythms of speaking. I recommend going somewhere with lots of people--in this case, lots of young girls, so probably a shopping mall--and just listening to people, making notes if you can about cadence and vocabulary, just to see if you can get an idea of how people talk. That’s always helped me.
I’d also like to see a little more character development and glimpses of people’s motivations—why is the father overprotective? why do the girls know this, and why does Emily fight it when Sarah doesn’t? You don’t have to tell us everything, but I do want to know, and I think that would help the dialogue along a bit as well.
Otherwise, I’m intrigued (largely by the title) to see where this heads next. What sort of adventures are in store for these girls?
damien5024 reviewed Version 4 -
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this story isnt bad but it could use a little work for instance you get repetitive when you say dad did this and dad did that. when a conversation is started it is best not to interrupt it with unnecessary explanations
for instance…
Emily took a deep breath, “Can we—”
“No,” Dad interrupted.
“But you didn’t even know what I was going to say,” she replied, surprised.
“That sounded like your ‘can we go to camp’ voice,” he responded, not even bothering to look up
you can take out he responded also replace not even bothering to look up with ”with out looking up”
overall the story is at a good start its just word flow that can kill you also the dad seems a little childish when he storms out of the room. that is just my opinion
squarehopper reviewed Version 4 -
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Tell us they are twins much earlier in the story. Maybe change the names. Naming one of the main characters after yourself is to alarming. Makes one think they are reading non-fiction. Please edit your work for grammar, mechanics, spelling and clarity errors. Have someone help you with that task as well. It helps the readers if they don’t have to mentally fix the errors on the page. It takes too much of their energy and detracts from the pleasure and distracts from the story, and casts a shadow on your competency.
It is a good start for something more. I can only wait to see where this story takes us.
Good luck!
Romani reviewed Version 4 -
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Emily reminds me of my own 13 year old daughter. I too would like to know where the story is headed. It needs grammatical editing, a little tidying up with spelling & commas etc. To me, it reads well, it flows. You have created a scene which can be easily envisaged. I had no problem with the interaction, the conversation. I believe you have alot of potential for your young age. Keep writing.
squarehopper reviewed Version 7 -
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As I have stated to you in another review of this piece, you have to work on your grammar and spelling. Minute, matter, are a few of the words you don’t know how to spell. It is your job, not the reader, or editor, or reviewer to do the grammar and spelling editing/correcting. The easy part is over kiddo, now do the work and finish the job right.
The piece drags forever. Although it does a decent job of developing Sarah, it fails to really develop the parents and Emily. You should decide what is really needed for the story to work. Is Ben and the scene that he is convienently in (it was an afterthought it is obvious, never mentioned him before, and soon as you do… he shows up and you get rid of him – presto!), really really needed? I don’t think so.
You still have to tell us the sisters are twins much sooner in the story than you do. Why do you insist on surprising us. Do twins really sleep in separate bedrooms? They never have in my family. They are always together.
The magic towards the end - Harry Potter ghosts! – is too rushed and seems just thrown in as an after thought. Much of this story is just like that.
You should do an outline of your story so that you can plan it to flow better and not seem like you have a new idea while you are writing and you just throw it in for good measure. It doesn’t work.
Seriously write an outline and plan everything out so that it is firm in your mind as you write, if you do get a new idea as you write, jot it down and sit on it, but continue writing. After thinking about the new idea for a few days, see how it really fits in your story and start making the changes in your outline if it does and then change your story as needed to make the idea fit seemlessly.
Good luck!
SeyeS reviewed Version 7 -
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I liked it!hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkdddddddddddddddlldl fklfdl dkfslkdfj kdjflksjflsf kdfjkldjk kdjfjkdsj dkfjdk dkfjklds dkfjkf kdfjk kldfj dfskl fkf kgdsk kdfjdsklfj dkfjskl dksfjsd dkfj fdkdd dkd ffk kf kfkff mf kfml flfjf ffff rfrefkif refnff fklnfl ffkrelf reflkfkf fk klf k fl flk lfk klflk frl f flrkf lrkf f klrl fklf r rflkf lk k flf fkl ew we we e ee kke kr
Romani reviewed Version 7 -
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I find this so easy to read. It would make a great book for a teenager. Your descriptions are detailed but not overdone. I like the way you revert back to things that have happened in earlier years for both Emily and Sarah, like the episode with the clown at Sarah’s cousin’s 7th birthday. This keeps things interesting and allows the reader to have a deeper understanding of the characters and possibly situations to come. I feel sorry for Ben, are you going to bring him back into the story? You have a good grasp, already, of expression. Keep going, you’re a natural writer.
planetaryexit reviewed Version 7 -
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First off the biggest problem with your story is that you do not describe the setting enough there was too much dialog. The largest redeeming factor was how well you knew your characters in the story it gave the story a life like feeling to it. Over all I did not like the story too much because it’s too normal, which is no big deal because it much better than any short story I have ever writen.
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Version 7
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
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| Version 7 | Version 6 (Deleted) | Version 5 (Deleted) | Version 4 (Deleted) | Version 3 (Deleted) | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |