Poetry / Dorothy's Garden

Her eyes remind me of the clouds around a full moon,
Pale grey to smokey blue, they change to suit her day.
Dispite her innocence, her brow is creased with wisdom;
Too young to see our faults, too old to look away.

She grows her world just like the flowers in a garden;
With her delighted smile she nurtures what she sews.
She casts the seeds of life with her carefree abandon,
Then dances while she waits to see what her life grows.

She greets each day as if it may well be her last one;
She wills away the clouds and stretches toward the sun.
Passing through our lives like ripples in the water,
Touching us soft as air and laughing when she’s done.

She’s spinning circles round the people in her garden;
Spellbound, we marvel at the magic that she’s twirled.
She grasps the moments of the day as they fly past her,
Then plants them lovingly so she can grow her world.

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Reviews

June 20, 2007

kasperkruse

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Denmark	September 19

kasperkruse reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Well, the garden as a symbol of innocence must be the oldest metaphor of them all – that being said I think it’s a sweet poem… You might want to make up for the lack of an original subject by intensifying the rhyme scheme a bit, maybe let lines 1 and 3 in every stanza rhyme as well – I know that would make for a major revision, but it’s worth considering if you want the poem to be more than just your personal praise of your daughter.

I like that notion of something dark and gloomy in the line “Too young to see our faults, too old to look away” – I think you should pursue that path a bit more, get an opposition in there besides the usual child vs. adult, something new to create dynamic.