Romance / You Don’t Know

i read ur poem and i thought that is was very pretty and it flowed just right down the page. i thought that you did a very nice job putting the words in the right place of each other so it makes a very pretty poem. good luck with the next one

The rhyme scheme and the construction of the poem are okay.  I liked the parallels in the  alternating verses.

The scansion and grammar require a bit of polishing.  It’s okay to break up a triple beat with the occasional double-beat, when it’s important, but on a first and just as much on a second reading, Line 4 (for example) cries out to me for another “that”.  

The full stops and commas threw me into confusion.  I came to ignore them, especially the full stop in Verse 3 line 2.

It’s not clear to me what would happen “if”, in the last two lines of each five-line verse.  I accept that there’s a failure.  Why?  

“If only”, the poem asks.  I feel the lack of the rest of the sentence. “Then …”.  I don’t think  in the poem as we see it there’s enough depth to provide an answer.

Sorry.  But don’t be discouraged.  You have put together a poem thyat almost works.  The next one will be good.

Regards
Ann
www.lulu.com/AnnEnglish

I think that the main character, the person thinking these thoughts of inadequacy, needs a reason.  I say this because even thought he (I am assuming that the POV is from a male as he is offering protection…but I could be wrong) is expressing the sense of disconnection and self-doubt, the other, (she) the object of this malaise is right there, in his bed, wanting the connection, probably doing what she can to draw it out of him.  So, I think that if the author is going to write a poem, it should have reason to it, not a simple “cat got your tongue” explanation of why he can’t speak.  I believe that it is good to leave the reader with questions at the end of the piece, I think that it is important to leave blanks in the work to be filled in by others, but in this case the job is half finished.  I now know how he feels; now give me at least half of the “why”.

Overall I think that this is an excellent start and if the author added more to this piece I think that it would be rated much higher.  

Hello,
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only my opinion. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish.

Suggestions
1)”If only I could express all of the parts
Of my soul, not only that which is left”

The second line in this part seems a continuation of the first, whereas, in the rest of your poem, each line seems to be a separate thought, or at least one that stands on its own. Maybe tweak this part a little?

What I Liked
1)You followed the rhyme scheme well.
2)The form of the poem was consistent.

Best wishes,
Aurelia Rose

I like it. Very well-written. You Don’t Know conveys that the speaker yearns to voice the thoughts of his/her heart, but doesn’t dare, perhaps fearing negative results. Keep writing and good luck.

“I know our souls know just what to say.” -for purposes of maintaining rhythm, I recommend that you leave off the word ‘just’.