When I originally wrote this, I had attempted to write a sonnet, or at least something in iambic pentameter although it might be blank verse. I don’t really write stuctured pieces very often, so I’m sure that that has made it sound strange or maybe forced in parts.
Poetry / Untitled I
When I see your body I see love
and life, in all its perfect, perfect splendor-
Your heartbeat, the rise and fall of your chest;
it is the warmth and light and love in you
that I cling to when times are cold and bleak.
Yet how the candle sputters in the wind,
meekly until it is but a tuft of smoke,
a memory of light and heat and flame.
And though the brush of your lips is sweet,
I know that it, and you, are fleeting.
Oh, my love! Let us keep open our eyes,
with the sight of each other in our hearts.
For though you, and I, must one day succumb
to human frailty, this, our love, shall not.
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Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, beautiful. Enchanting and heartfelt. Great job on keeping the rhythm without the aid of rhyme. The last two lines are wonderful and poignant.
Suggestions:
“see your body I see…” semi colon after body
11th line read a little rough for me. Maybe sound better “Let our eyes stay forever open” or even “Let us keep our eyes open” I know you lose a bit of “artsy” words that way, but it helps the overall rhythm.
Other than thos minor things VERY WELL DONE, superb, I cannot wait to read more! 9/10
Eve
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C78Foster reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this poem was pretty good, but it just didn’t do too much to hold my attention. I mean no rudeness at all, simply criticism, in this. This poem I can tell was written for a loved one, but it just seems like this has been overdone. On the bright side, the imagery was beautifully written, I visualized the majority of the poem as I read, that is a very good quality to keep. I feel as if the lines “When I see your body I see love and life, in all its perfect, perfect splendor” are sort of forced out, like you had to think a little more to come up with them. Again I mean no harm, and I apologize if a seemed a bit brash or harsh, just a bit of constructive criticism.
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