pronunctiation…oops
Poetry / When Rhonnie Wears Red
when Rhonnie wears red
cherry bomb lipstick
on her too big for t-v
sugar plum lips
she looks like
a city park crack ho
so scratch that!
but you remember that summer
of 93
she wore out
a little red corvette
cross-colors sundress
the word cherry bomb
was the only thing
that came to mind
her timbre
hung in the air
like air freshner
it’s Throw-back Fridays
at Tia’s
and she christens the night
in Chicago Bulls
red and black
that stops just above mid-thigh
that’s a mile high
and wide as
the back seat of a Cadillac
vermillion leather upholstery
you want to stick your hands in
and look for change
she made the number
twenty-three
eminent
rhonnie at the back of the club
with her back to the wall
set if off with an apple martini
and no drawls
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duffybooks reviewed Version 1 -
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This is well constructed, it flows and it is fun!! Your work made me want to be 17 again! The only lines I struggled with was the last two: set it off with an apple martini and no drawls – I’m gonna have to sleep on those two. Set off what? The cherry bomb? :-) That ending made me wish your work was longer and told me just a bit more about Rhonnie than the fact that she can dress hot and have fun.
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Peace312 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. I think the most prominent piece of editing you need to make is the removal of the line that says “so scratch that” because it is an aside and detracts from the general flow of the poem. I really like the way it cascades from stanza to stanza, that is really effective. I also suggest taking out the second person direct address in the second stanza, it’s a lot more effective when reserved until later and has better usage at the end of the poem. A simple deletion of “but you” will do the trick just fine. Good job!
wajewboi reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the imagery here – very raw, and the flow is marvelous – the words just seem to fall where they may, and make it feel very organic. I’m particularly fond of the upholstery imagery “you want to stick you hands in and look for change” – really gives you a feel for the textures and colors and feel of the moment.
Work on your spelling a bit (christens, not Christians) to be sure you set the right images, and watch the extra hard returns (“like air freshener” should be part of the stanza before, but this also works, barely – in other places it doesn’t so much).
Altogether a beautifully edgy raw piece, and one of my favorites on the site. I’d like to read more of your work. Very reminiscent of Maya Angelou… You have a nice voice, keep it up.
deadchalk reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi. My name is deadchalk.
I liked your poem. There’s a few typos you might want to fix…
“TV”, not “t-v”
“christens”, not “christians”
“upholstery”, not “appolstry”
A good poem. Urban, ethnic, edgy.
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